“They would take my glasses off my face and see me wander around blindly trying to get them back. Then they would settle for throwing me in the trashcan. All I wanted was to go about my day in peace, but things only got worse.”
‘A push in the hall, being thrown in the trash. I dreaded school. I would end the day in tears. It wasn’t going to change. Why? I was an easy target.’
‘His little voice begged me to wake up. ‘Don’t die, mommy. Don’t die, mommy.’ His hug, his kiss and his tenderness, lying next to me for hours as I sobbed.’
“Another fight left me to sleep in the guest room. My middle child, my baby boy, crawled into bed with me as my head throbbed and I couldn’t’ stop the room from spinning. Again. My loudest rock bottom came like a whisper – It was his touch.”
‘I mumbled, ‘You just drove past my apartment.’ He stared at me. ‘Do you think I’m not going to take you home?’ That’s when he found the entrance into the woods.’
“It was very late and getting colder by the minute, so I started to walk home. I was passed by an SUV. The man inside asked if I needed a ride. I felt put off by him, but I ignored my gut feeling and got in.”
‘My husband waited up for me. Surprised, I sat down and asked about his day. I didn’t get very far into my question. He somberly turned off the TV and leaned forward in his seat.’
“Hands folded and eyes down, he told me he had something he needed to tell me. I had never seen him so serious. I was stunned. I didn’t understand. We were cruising right along in life. We were house shopping. We were planning family vacations. I thought I was going to become a mom soon.”
‘Don’t tell nobody. I’ll give you some money when I get paid,’ he said as he was getting off me. I was scared out of my mind. My uncle, my favorite uncle, had hurt me.’
“I can remember looking over at my brother who was still asleep. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I was too scared so I laid there, not speaking, thinking about the innocence I would never get back. He hurt me in the worst way that night.”
‘I was about a mile away from my parents’ house when I saw a pair of headlights coming at me in my lane. I was so scared it was going to burst into flames. I sat in front of the car screaming.’
“I brushed it off and thought, ‘Oh there’s no way I’m pregnant.’ I went to Tennessee for a week for my birthday. I had my cousin buy me a bottle of Jager and I couldn’t even drink, it made me so sick. When I got home, I took another test. Sure, enough I was pregnant.”
‘Shotgun!,’ they yelled as we left. Travis got in the front and Isaac got in behind me. They both fell asleep on the ride home. The next thing I remember is waking up in excruciating pain.’
“In one second, I became the kid from the accident. The boy whose brother died. To the prosecutor, I was the delinquent child who murdered his brother. The guy who survived the wreck that killed his brother.”
‘He was just gone. I came home one night to the apartment my boyfriend and I shared to find everything was missing. He terminated our lease and emptied our joint bank account.’
“Just a few weeks later, I woke up one morning feeling ‘different.’ I really can’t explain it, because it didn’t make any sense. But something in me, knew. I sat shaking with a pregnancy test in my hands. My body was barely functioning. But against all odds, two pink lines appeared.”
‘Staring into my Poppy’s eyes, I asked him to pick a baby for us when he got to heaven. I kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, ‘make it a girl.’
“I was hiding this secret. ‘Don’t you want the best care for your baby?’ Of course we did. As we approached our assigned room, there was a plaque outside the door. The name of the family who donated the funds for that room? The McAngel family. We knew my Poppy would get her through this.”
‘I was 6 when I wore my first bathing suit in a beauty competition. I was 8 when my dance instructor told my mom I was too chubby. I was 15 when I became addicted to diet pills.’
“After being sexually assaulted as a toddler, my trust was shaken. After becoming a mother, I’ve gained 75 pounds. You’d think that existing in a larger body – something I feared my entire life – would lead me further down the self-loathing spiral. But something miraculous has happened.”
