laughter

‘My friend started her period. I was so jealous, I could barely talk with her about it. I wore my mom’s pantie liners. Somehow it made me feel better.’: Mom says she will tell her kids things

“I told both of my children about the time I agreed to kiss a boy in the back of the school yard when I was way too young. How I really, really liked this boy. I told them how mortified I was when friends gathered around us and agreed to cover their eyes, but didn’t. Instead, they watched it all and laughed. Love can make you do stupid things.”

‘I send mind blowing messages that get him going. ‘Hey, buy the super absorbent pads, it’s raining Niagara Falls over here. And the baby vomited in my mouth, so some mouthwash, too.’: Mom hilariously recalls differences in sex life after you have children

“Dirty talk for me as a mother now is looking at my husband like I’m Post Malone (frizzy flyaway hair included) who’s smoked a few too many J’s with the sultriest voice I have and say, ‘I’ve showered today,’ flicking my nana undies at him. And him giving me the nod replying, ‘How tired are you?’”

‘We’ll refund your money, but you have to leave.’ ‘What?’ Husband: ‘YOU NEVER GET TO CHOOSE WHERE WE GO AGAIN.’: Woman recounts hilarious attempt at saving money on vacation

“‘Allison, this is a mistake.’ ‘No way! It’s great. It has a pool for the kids to swim in.’ My daughter dropped her pacifier on the floor under the bed. I bend down to grab it, and what do ya know? There’s a pair of dirty underwear under the bed. About 20 minutes pass and we hear a knock at the door. It was the poor desk clerk. ‘You have to leave.'”

‘My therapist said it might be a good idea to hire a ‘personal assistant.’ I’m a stay-at-home-mom. Am I crazy to consider it?’: Mother recalls how extra help would get her ‘sparkle’ back

“I was at brunch slurping up a delectable chai with a girlfriend when I confessed all my help. ‘So, I have this gal who does our house’s big deep cleans and then another gal who does light tidying and takes care of all the laundry a few times a week and this other gal who babysits one day a week during the afterschool hours to give me a break from, well, the after school hours.’ P.S. I’m a stay-at-home mom.”

‘Tragically, she died by poisoning.’ Needless to say, I was aghast, horrified. ‘Holy cow, I’m so sorry.‘: Woman recalls sarcastic husband’s morbid first date joke, ‘He was laughing so hard he was gasping for breath’

“We begin making more small talk. ‘You mentioned you’ve been married twice. What happened with your second wife?’ Manny sat straight up in his chair and looked me in the eye. ‘Well, sadly, she died as well…’ By now I’m thinking, ‘Oh my gosh, I could end up in the back of his trunk.’ Our server hands us our food. We just sat there across from each other in silence.”

‘The man yells, ‘Look! These are yours. They fell out of that box. I’m your mailman!’: Woman hilariously recalls run-in with Amazon Prime deliveryman who picked up her ‘new butt’ underwear

“I saw a man walk onto my porch, then he bent down like he was hiding. So, I was like, ‘Hell no, you aren’t about to steal my Halloween decorations.’ I grab a baseball bat and the dog, open the door, jump out and literally yell ‘Freeze!’ The man stands up, and he’s holding a pair of underwear. I’m like, ‘You dirty old man, you’re on my porch smelling underwear.’ I’m out here swinging this baseball bat and he’s screaming, ‘Wait! Wait!’”

‘I have to go the bathroom,’ my husband says, handing me the diaperless baby with poop on his hands. He rushes off.’: Mom quickly realizes she does NOT want another child after initially thinking she does thanks to friend’s precious newborn

“I met my friend’s new baby! I smelled the newborn goodness. I watched her little mouth open while she yawns and holds my thumb. Then, I felt a familiar sensation… my ovaries start to go off like firecrackers, like my little uterus has pressed the red button and is screaming MAYDAY! MAYDAY! We need a fetus!! I message my husband saying, ‘One more?'”

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