“Oh, are you wearing a dress? I didn’t even notice.”
‘I wore my wedding dress to make dinner. ‘Honey, this mac and cheese is amazing.’ He’s lying because it came out of a box and is made from orange powder. ‘Thanks babe. It must be the dress.’
‘My town spent years trying to figure out this man’s secret. One rumor was Dave was a secret millionaire. Others speculated he was mentally ill and homeless.’
“Dave always dressed in a sailor uniform. One rumor was he was a certified genius, who found the most happiness dancing on the side of the street. Whenever somebody honked or waved, Dave would dance a little dance, then smile and tip his hat. I can close my eyes and recall that happy little shuffle. He was captivating.”
‘His teacher suddenly jumped on the desk. He started walking across each one, to make sure every single eye was on him.’
“I’ll never forget when he had them throw their history books on the ground and tell them how they got it all wrong that day, and made choices that would come back to haunt them.”
‘Hi, I was 5 minutes away from calling you.’ Our baby’s heart was not sitting on the left side of her chest, but shifted to the right side. My stomach dropped with those words.’
“Silently, he began drawing on a blank piece of paper. When he was done, he turned to us, showed us his drawing, and began explaining what our future would look like. I started bawling. But we knew we needed to do it.”
‘Being 40 is too old for babies. My time is running out. I have lost count of the amount of times I have had this dream. It is so vivid and so real. I want to be a mother and in my dream I am.’
“In a previous life, with a previous partner, in a different country and a different decade, I was pregnant. I was pregnant for 10 weeks. But it was 10 weeks of feeling pregnant, of feeling hopeful, feeling excited, but also feeling cautious. And I was right to be cautious. I was given a due date, which we never got to.”
‘You have the perfect family.’ That’s what they saw. A life tied up in a pretty little bow. No one could’ve known what was happening behind closed doors.’
“It hasn’t just been a few years of hiding in plain sight. I smiled on cue. I showed up to play dates. I dressed my kids well. But here’s what was really going on behind our picket fence. Let’s start with my husband.”
‘I’m 10 years older, and 20 pounds heavier. I carry tweezers in my car to pluck chin hairs. I still have acne. And I refuse to apologize for it.’
“I learned to compete, not with the girl standing next to me, but with the girl I used to be. I learned that strong women stumble, and even stronger women ask for help when they need it. I learned that worry doesn’t change anything, except my level of energy.”
‘I find myself apologizing a lot lately. ‘Hey, I’m so sorry, can we reschedule?’ ‘Man, I forgot to respond to your text, I’m so sorry.’ I’m saying I’m sorry ALL. THE. TIME.’
“Can I be honest for a second? I don’t want to be apologizing anymore.”
‘Nothing prepared me for my wife’s cesarean. Nothing. Reaching from a gaping hole in my beautiful wife’s stomach was the head of a bloody, powder white, child-like creature.’
“I recall Mel lying naked in front of a handful of doctors after they finished. Blood dripped from the sides of her hips; her stomach like a deflated balloon. But nothing shocked me as much as the next day.”
‘That baby in the photo, the one you can’t see. The one who’s all snuggled up inside her mama. She did not survive.’
“I had been in the hospital for a week being monitored. I was in the safest place that I could be and under constant supervision. And then, it happened.”
