“I feel bad about it to this day. What we brushed off as her ditsy-ness was actually the first signs of the disease. I hate myself for the way I acted that day. I feel so bad and so guilty. It kills me.”
‘My mom went all out. I remember thinking how random it seemed. She tried so hard, wanting to make this nice dinner for us. We made fun of her for it.’
‘There are police officers in the hall. ‘I want them to hurt me, mommy! I want them to kill me with their guns!’ He started crying and hitting himself in the head.’
“‘I think he’s manic,’ I say. ‘His moods are rally erratic and I’m worried.’ The nurse looks at me skeptically. Who am I to know about ‘mania?’ It was stupid to bring him here. He has been through hell.”
‘As soon as she checked with the doppler she knew. And deep down I knew. I just prayed I was wrong. All I could get out is ‘why isn’t it flickering?’ They just said ‘we are trying to figure that out.’
“I screamed, asking if it was her cord that caused it over and over.”
‘He slipped something in my drink. He had a razor blade. He ‘accidentally’ sliced my thigh. I took photos of the blood dripping down my leg. When I woke up, the photos were deleted.’
“I met someone new. Someone who made me feel alive again. Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. Then I received devastating news.”
‘David and I have been pregnant 8 times. ‘I just took a pregnancy test. It’s positive.’ I sat on the toilet staring at the positive test until my legs went numb. This was not a part of our plan.’
“Despite the odds, the ‘treatment’ was unsuccessful. Our little fighter continued to grow. Something in my gut didn’t feel right about a second injection, so I refused. I pushed her to keep looking. ‘Wait, what’s that?’ The doctor turned back towards the screen. I saw our little baby for the first time. I instantly wept.”
‘If we don’t get approved, it’s my fault.’ His older brother and dad disowned him when he came out. He hasn’t spoken to his birth mom for 8 years.’
“She advised ‘Pudding’ would be be better suited with two men as he wasn’t a fan of women.”
‘Is it normal to hate your baby?’ I was desperately begging for God to kill her. What’s wrong with me? I was terrified of what I would do to her.’
“I decided I would talk to my OBGYN when I went for my next check up. Little did I know, I wouldn’t be able to make it until then.”
‘Doctors told me I was ‘lying.’ I hadn’t started my period. Before I took the birth control, I took a pregnancy test. It was POSITIVE!? We bought 5 more tests. All of them were positive!’
“I was having vivid, strange dreams. A neighbor said, ‘Are you pregnant?’ I said ‘no’ and cried. A switch flipped in me. I became crazy emotional. I was having day dreams about drilling a hole in my head or cutting it off. I went to doctor after doctor. They all said that it was because of my weight.”
‘He carried her! I noticed an elderly lady having a rough time. I pointed her out to my husband. She did not have the strength to come up the stairs.’
“Y’all I have to brag on my husband big time! He made me soo proud.”
‘I remember screaming, ‘What part of no don’t you understand!’ He looked at me shocked, and asked if I was ‘okay.’ ‘She’s harmless,’ he said. I had no idea what he had. I’d never seen it before.’
“I didn’t kiss my kids goodbye. I didn’t tell anyone. I left without a second thought. I don’t know how many times they asked, ‘When is mommy coming home?’ A few months later, I found out I was pregnant with twins.”
