“I expected to be handed my baby like I was Beyoncé in a floral garden and the heavens open up. Instead, I felt like a potato cake seagulls were fighting over, one stitching me up, one folding my boob like a hamburger to stuff in my baby’s mouth, and one pressing so hard on my stomach I thought she was going to touch my spine. Yep, didn’t count on that.”
‘Motherhood is really tough.’ You’d think, ‘Well that’s crap.’ Birth was traumatic. As a child of sexual abuse, a traumatic birth can be very re-triggering. I didn’t count on that.’
‘I’m not attached to my baby. There, I said it.’
“It’s a harsh reality to admit, and I’m sure I’ll get a few gasps. But it’s the honest truth. And I know I’m not alone. I shrug off compliments from strangers about my pregnancy. This is my coping mechanism.”
‘I applied to more than 300 jobs and didn’t get a single response. I was shocked, heartbroken. I had 10 years of experience in the industry. So, I did an experiment.’
“I created a fake job applicant and called her Bianca White. I kept the same employment history and educational background, but listed her as a white woman on the diversity questionnaire. The next day, I was stunned.”
‘It was playtime on the playground. My student looked anxious. I climbed to get closer to him, placed my foot on the rail and tumbled, hitting my head on a metal pole. I fell to the ground.’
“That’s it. That’s all it took. Five minutes to change my entire life.”
‘I told her, ‘I’m looking for a ‘suit.’ He’s an ex-felon, an addict, covered in ink, going through a divorce, currently unemployed. Yeah, No!’ We married just 3 months later.’
“I clicked into his profile. ‘Hi.’ His response was, ‘Who is this?’ He would disappear for long periods of time – sometimes years – and no one knew if he was alive or dead. Just 6 days after meeting him, I was on pins and needles. I finally called. When he answered, I could hear the difference in his voice. I’m telling you, he was magic.”
‘It’s okay. Get in your car and scream. It’s not going to make everything go away, but you deserve the release. Are the tears coming now? Good, don’t stop them.’
“This feels like the weight of the world because it’s about your entire world: your precious child. Every prenatal screen passed with flying colors. They tell you your child is healthy and whole, and now, they say that very same child has special needs. Here’s how you reclaim your power.”
‘His last text said, ‘Bank robber.’ My heart raced and I ran upstairs. I received a message from a stranger offering condolences to my fiancé. I had no idea what was going on.’
“After several unanswered phone calls and texts, I rushed to the hospital. The surgeons called me into a tiny room with a white board. The news didn’t hit me until I had to relay it to my parents. All we could do was sob.”
‘She said, ‘That’s them. That’s my son’s parents. That’s who I’ve been looking for.’ And then, I told her you were pregnant.’
“Her entire demeanor changed. The pause felt like an eternity. There could be two ends to this. My hand flew to my mouth as a gasp of air escaped and a sob caught in my throat. Stunned.”
‘Are you mom?’ I nodded, ‘Yes.’ He ran along the canal for a mile. He saw the farmer pulling her out of the water. Our sweet girl had bumped into this farmer’s leg.’
“With 10 adults and 5 kids present, anyone would assume our daughter would have been safe. But after unexpected guests rang the doorbell, a bag of popcorn started on fire, and multiple kids ran outside, it only took seconds for Preslee to slip past everyone into the canal.”
‘My sister is not JUST my child’s aunt. She is a second mother. You became my closest ally, my wingwoman.’
“You were there with a bottle of wine the first night of sleep training. You were there when I cried tears, holding my new baby, as I battled postpartum. You were there when my husband and I needed to work on our relationship. You are his hero, his safe haven, his escape.”