“‘I want to build us a van to live in. We can show our kid the world.’ I wish I remembered exactly what he said—I was rage-deaf by that point—but it was something like that. That was the moment I knew we weren’t going to raise this baby.”
‘I’m sitting on my bed, in my teenage bedroom, at my mother’s house. It’s 3 days after I found out I got knocked up by the first guy I ever met from Tinder.’
‘It stopped my heart. I landed on a glass I was carrying, and a chunk of it punctured my jugular. A voice came to me and told me I was dying. Oh God no! I didn’t want to die.’
“I suddenly felt nauseous. I was standing at the kitchen counter – and my next memory is opening my eyes, and I’m lying on something red. I felt shattered glass falling from my face. I ran my hand down my chin, where I felt something snag my finger.”
‘She said they become ‘the pet of the school.’ The life I imagined crashed before me and fell to pieces. I heard the words, ‘She has characteristics of Down syndrome.’
“But then, I saw my daughter with her big marble colored eyes and blonde hair. Finally, I embraced it.”
‘I don’t understand how you don’t love me anymore, just like that,’ I said as we laid in the bed together, tears pouring down my cheeks. ‘I do still love you,’ she responded, and then stopped.’
“‘John, you didn’t lie to me,’ she said. ‘What do you mean?,’ I asked. ‘You told me you would never leave. And you didn’t lie,’ she said softly, as we squeezed each other’s hands so tight. The nurse who had become Michelle’s self-proclaimed ‘bestie’ stood in the corner and sobbed.”
‘The billing department doesn’t care if your baby died. The medical companies don’t care if you’re on unpaid leave because your child is a long-term patient. You still have to pay.’
“It keeps me lying awake at night, tears and stress making my heart race. I’m drowning in medical debt. And I know I’m not alone.”
‘I heard a lady say, ‘I would never NOT care if my child was running around. I’d STOP them.’ She gave me a disapproving look when my son threw himself forward and I had to catch him.’
“My son clung to me like Velcro. I had to peel him off me to grab my purse to order. He screamed, he yelled, he wanted to leave. I know what people think of parents who come in with kids screaming at restaurants.”
‘Katie, get off the couch!,’ was the last thing I heard before witnessing the shattering sound of the gun.’
“I’ll never forget looking down at my trembling hands as if I was a character in a war movie. Except, this wasn’t fictional. This was real and raw and urgent; no life experience could have prepared me for the intensity of what I was to see, hear, feel, and ache over.”
‘There is something wrong. She won’t open her eyes and is very weak.’ I drove to the babysitter’s house like a rocket! I collapsed in tears. Everything was chaos after that.’
“At lunchtime, I received a call no mother should ever receive. Who could be capable of hurting our baby? We trusted everyone around her.”
‘Yes of course, bring our boy home,’ I blurted out quickly. I started to panic. ‘Now is there one baby or two babies?’ He moved the probe and we saw it. ‘You’re pregnant, with twins.’
“My phone began to ring. My eyes rolled. I was still very bitter. ‘Hi Mrs. Amanda.’ Wait what? Is this for real? I looked down at my belly – I had two babies in my tummy who needed me, and now this? Really?”
‘I find myself apologizing a lot lately. ‘Hey, I’m so sorry, can we reschedule?’ ‘Man, I forgot to respond to your text, I’m so sorry.’ I’m saying I’m sorry ALL. THE. TIME.’
“Can I be honest for a second? I don’t want to be apologizing anymore.”
