“This is what it REALLY means to be a man. It’s kissing my wife’s stomach and telling her she’s beautiful, even with her c-section scar and stretch marks. It’s telling my daughter ‘Honey, OWN that Jersey’ when she comes home from school crying after a boy told her to take it off because girls ‘don’t play’ sports.”
‘An older man said to my sister, ‘Let me get a taste of that.’ He was sticking his tongue out and wiggling it. She instantly turned red. She was 12. He laughed and I did, too. I don’t know why, but I did.’
‘My boss asked me, ‘Are you a virgin?’ I was shocked. He said, ‘We as older people don’t do it like you anymore.’ He took the longest way to get there, but I kept quiet. HE’S MY BOSS, after all.’
“As we got inside, I felt him looking at me. You just get the feeling when someone stares at you. I turned around. He stared at me. I was uncomfortable. He was 30 years older than me. I was scared to go to work. But I faced him. I faced my fears.”
‘Just be a good boy and relax,’ he said. He was my teacher. Other men watched. Next was a priest and a trio of monks. I was 11 and my parents didn’t know.’
“I put on my backpack, left school, and walked across the street. I was surprised to be greeted by two smiling men who didn’t offer me a Coke, but real alcohol. I was flattered to be included in such grown-up activity. All three of us got into the car. I was naïve to their motives.”
‘I felt cold hands. He was a pastor. I laid there, stiff and mute, pretending to be asleep. ‘Get used to this. Your mom agrees it’s okay. It’s in the Bible.’
“‘I’ve gotten a vasectomy. That means you can’t get pregnant. You don’t need to worry about anything.’ He slipped 20 dollars in my pocket. ‘You’ve done good,’ he said. ‘We’re sending you back to your biological family.’ I was confused and afraid.”
‘I was 4 years old. I had on my plaid dress. He interrupted my nap and locked the bedroom door. When I told my dad, he said, ‘WHY did you need to share this? Can’t you see how upset your mother is?’
“I remember the pillow soaking with tears as he shushed me. I never meant to tell anyone. It was a secret I had decided to carry to the grave.”
‘He asked bluntly: ‘Am I allowed to hug you?’ I don’t love hugs. I especially don’t like men initiating physical contact. ‘Come on, it’s just a hug.’
“I cuddled up with my ferocious 5-year-old in bed. She said, ‘keep your hands to yourself.’ Then she smiled at me, and fell asleep. God, I hope for her.”
‘He had the neighbor watching me. ‘Bet you weren’t even raped.’ ‘Were you drinking?’ No one knew who he really was. I never thought these were red flags.’
“I found out he had been cheating on me. He convinced me it didn’t really happen and he went back to being the perfect guy. I couldn’t escape. I pushed on his chest and said, ‘No, I don’t want to.'”
‘My boyfriend didn’t pick me up, so I started to walk home. A man in an SUV asked, ‘Do you need a ride?’ Something felt off, but I told myself I was overreacting. Suddenly, I smelled gas fumes.’
“It was so strong and out of place. He turned to pull into my apartment, but didn’t stop. He got right back on the road and headed in the opposite direction. I contemplated jumping out, but he told me to shut the door. At this point, all I wanted was to make it home.”
‘He swears he won’t do it again. He’s broken over this. I deserved it. It’s okay. My jaw isn’t bruised that bad.’
“The two extremes of how you loved me so gently, and also tore my soul to shreds so easily. When you punched me so hard I couldn’t close my mouth. How could you be both those things in one man – and how could I love someone who healed me, and hurt me, all in the same movements.”
‘We are forgetting about our boys and that’s not OK.’
“Article after article is about raising daughters, not sons. And, when I do come across an essay on raising sons, it’s about how and why we need to raise our boys with particular values for the sake of the females and daughters of the world. This is something I’m not entirely on board with.”
