“I remember nothing after midnight. I woke up the next morning terrified of talking to my parents. They were going to murder me, I knew it. Tearfully, I told them what I’d done.”
‘I crawled out of my sunroof. I saw flashing lights behind my car and burst into tears. ‘How many times can 2 loving parents bail out their idiot child?,’ I thought. This was the last straw.’
‘The guy who brought me to the party passed out. I should have left him, but I’m a loyal person. I fell asleep and was awoken by a man’s body on top of mine. I couldn’t move and yelled for help.’
“I remember telling my mom, ‘I would die if something happened to you.’ She always reassured me, ‘I’m not going anywhere Erica.’ I whole-heartedly believed she would live forever. Then she started complaining of severe headaches. Selfishly, I thought, ‘Well if God took my Grannie, he can’t take my mom too.'”
‘I said ‘I don’t want to live anymore, my kids deserve better than this, I should have never had them and dragged them down with me’ I wanted a lifeline. I wanted that chance of hope.’
“But instead I got ‘you should feel so lucky! You are blessed.’ Imagine telling yourself you’re so worthless, you’re not deserving, that you literally mess everything you touch and feeling guilty for all of that, like a tumble dryer in your head, swirling around and then someone says, ‘be grateful’”
‘Oh wow, my thighs look huge in these jeans. After you have an eating disorder, they say you’ll never be normal again.’
“The next five minutes I spent trying to change the illusion of what I had just seen, pulling up the waist of my dark jeans a little higher, smoothing out the denim hoping that may give the twins a slimmer appearance. I pulled on the hem of my sweater a bit, pulling it down a little further than the widest part of my thighs, hoping once again to give a thinner illusion.”
‘My doctor held my hand and started, ‘Tami…’ In that moment, I knew. I couldn’t breathe because I knew. Or at least I thought I did. My heart exploded with relief!’
“We were walking out of the house when a feather floated right in front of us. As we sat enjoying our morning coffee, another tiny feather made an appearance. On the drive home, I kept thinking … two feathers … what does that mean? But I had a hunch. I went straight to the bathroom and found a pregnancy test.”
‘Help me get daddy out!,’ she begged. ‘He won’t like being dirty.’ I took her to see his grave. She started digging up the dirt, crying her little heart out. We sobbed until we had no more tears to cry.’
“She was 3. That was the last time I took her to his grave. She told me her ‘heart hurt too’ much and she didn’t want to go back. She asks if our family can die and ‘be a star in the sky with daddy.’ I go straight into Mommy mode and reassure her we can’t be stars. It’s not our time.”
‘I didn’t think anybody would miss me if I was gone.’ Her daughter planned to commit suicide. She left goodbye letters. She was ready to leave the world.’
“As her mom sat across from me, we both had tears streaming down our faces. I asked if I could write my student a letter to be delivered to her at the hospital. ‘My daughter would love that,’ she said. I wrote cards to every one of my students, over 100 of them.”
‘He hated me for leaving him. I hated that he destroyed us. But most of all, I hated that he couldn’t JUST. BE. HAPPY.’
“We were so happy, trying to have a baby, talking marriage. A month later, I got the call I’ll never forget.‘Tom overdosed last night. They think it was accidental… pills and vodka.’ I kept repeating, ‘What am I supposed to do? What do I do now?’ I’d never felt so lost in my life.”
‘Can you wipe my eyes? Can you make my tears stop?’ We sat in silence as my 90-year-old father’s tears fell. He was going to be alone for the first time in 69 years.’
“He laid his head on her chest. He kissed her and he cried. He told her how much he loved her. He said he wouldn’t trade one day of his life with her. He said he would marry her all over again. He said he will see her soon, and to hold the door for him.”
‘I can’t go back there; I can’t lose my wife again,’ he told me. ‘I’m not sure I’d survive that.’ We were terrified. Terrified of who I was pregnant.’
“My doctor very clearly advised me I would need to be off my antidepressants if I wanted to get pregnant, so I came off them. The next several months were some of my darkest. My husband was taking care of a wife who, in his words, ‘had disappeared.'”
