“I met someone. The wrong someone. A friend. Or so I thought. I was catapulted into a world no one should experience. It was raining. The sky was black and the storm wasn’t letting up. I felt this strong feeling of evil hanging around me that day. My ‘friend’ was with me. I looked in the mirror and at that point, I knew.”
‘I was lying on a ‘friend’s’ kitchen floor. Standing over me were paramedics and a police officer. ‘You’re lucky we’re not busy today,’ the cop looked at me and said. I lied to everyone.’
‘My career failed. Everyone kept asking, ‘What are you doing these days?’ I’d just want to run away. I didn’t know what to tell them. I had no answers.’
“All my friends who had been doing nothing post-college, partying and vacationing, now all had good positions and were making good money. I thought, ‘Where am I? What am I doing? What am I going to do next?’ Slowly, I just became too comfortable avoiding people and doing absolutely nothing.”
‘I let our friendship go on for far too long. It was toxic. I would hear things she’d say about me that were simply not true. It was hurtful. Once I realized she was a liar, I knew it was time to let go.’
“Life is too short. Do yourself a favor and weed your circle. Eliminating toxic friendships is one of the hardest things about growing up, but let’s face it. Friends can break your heart too. It’s okay to find the strength to let go.”
‘My mom called, softly crying. ‘I took a lot of pills. I love you. It’s not your fault.’ I screamed into the phone, trying to keep her awake until the paramedics reached her.’
“Time slowed. She had just been laughing and joking on the way home. By the time I got to the hospital, she was nearly unrecognizable. Over the next 5 days, she went in and out of consciousness.”
‘Since my divorce, I’ve seen a plastic surgeon every month. Not for Botox. I had to face what I’d done with every shower, every decision to wear short sleeves or a bathing suit.’
“I had surprised my family with it. My husband told me he loved what I’d done to myself, but what he didn’t tell me was that he was having an affair. I often wonder what he must’ve felt when he saw his name on my wrist and knew he was lying.”
‘My daughter saw a spa day on TV and asked if we could ‘belax’ and have one too. After some contemplation, I thought, ‘Why not?’
“My daughter’s face was priceless. She squealed just like a sweet little girl you’d see in a movie when I said yes. As mothers, it can feel like we’re barely treading water. But we must also remember that our children need time to self-care too. There’s a universe of emotion going on inside their heads each day that we don’t know about.”
‘You were sending me strange text messages. I returned home to you acting even stranger. The paranoia set in. You accused me of infidelity. I did not recognize this man screaming at me.’
“I got the boys from school. We went straight home. I could feel your presence had been there. I went into your closet and your guns were missing. Two hours later, there was a knock on our door. I looked out the peep hole and there was a man dressed nicely with a manila envelope.”
‘There’s no quick fix. There WILL always be a next panic attack, a next day of self-harm or cloud of doubt. I started to feel I wasn’t enough for him. I couldn’t pray away the dark times.’
“There’s nothing I want more than to see his beautiful smile. But part of being in love with someone struggling with mental health is dealing with the ugly. It’s true what they say. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. But there’s also a damn dimmer switch in that tunnel too.”
‘The self-talk has to stop. Motherhood is not sunshine and rainbows. It’s mundane many days. I lose my patience. I screw up. I have unwashed dishes in the sink, crumbs on the floor.’
“There’s guilt. Pressure. Unrealistic expectations. How many times have you lain awake going through the to-do list of tomorrow while thinking about everything you didn’t accomplish today? All of the ‘should haves’ replaying in your mind. How are we ever going to get ahead when we are stuck in the guilt of yesterday?”
‘My boyfriend would sit on Tinder, sending sexts to women he’d hooked up with the night before. I still loved him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. It was the biggest mistake I ever made.’
“As weeks went by, we continued to live together. I thought there was a chance we could get back together. Then I found he’d been holding online relationships with several women, sending pornographic videos, and arranging meet ups. He claimed it was because he had no self-confidence and needed people to flirt with.”
