“He was sleeping, when I heard him say something. I leaned in. As clear as can be, he started having a conversation with Mom and Jeff. Jeff is his son, who died 2 years ago. They were whole, healthy, and together once again. I was overwhelmed by what had just taken place.”
‘He is a good son. We love you Jeff.’ I couldn’t stop sobbing. He went on, as if they both were standing next to his bed. His eyes were closed, but he had the most peaceful smile.’
‘I love you, Cindy, I’ll always love you. Please forgive me.’ I was no longer going to be her Momma and watch her grow up. ‘DO IT NOW,’ the Voice says.’
“This time it will work. I even have two bottles of sleeping pills for safety’s sake. Time to die. I unscrew both lids and turn the tap on. I’ve locked the door behind me, just in case, but I’m not expecting anyone else … not in this lifetime.”
‘What the hell was that? Get down!’ 60 seconds later, our lives would never be the same. At that moment, it hit me. ‘Oh my God, people are really dying here.’
“I wanted to speak to my mom in case I didn’t make it out. It was already past midnight. She answered the phone tired and confused why I would possibly be calling. ‘Mom, there is a shooter here, we are on the floor, please stay on the phone with me.’”
‘I was staring at a naked picture of myself on my father’s computer. ‘What the heck?,’ I said out loud, the last words before rage overtook my body.’
“I walked into the living room where they both sat. ‘I love you. I don’t blame you. I am here to protect you,’ I told my mother. My father looked me dead in the eyes. He was sitting on the couch with his computer screen opened before him. He stared at me blankly. ‘What do I need to show her?’”
‘The government thought I was a superhuman. My parents met in a cult called ‘New Testament Church’ in the 1980s. You can see things ranging from demons, to Big Bird, to Ryan Reynolds.’
“I had a forty-percent chance of getting it, but always knew I would. Although I tried to avoid it, it was ultimately inevitable.”
‘My father picked me up. After a short drive, he stopped the car and told me there was a ‘problem in our relationship.’ I had an instant sick feeling. I was 12 years old.’
“At 13, I fell into a sexually abusive relationship with a much older man. He carefully groomed me. I liked that someone showered me with affection and gifts. But there was a price to pay. He controlled my every move, he would follow my bus to school. He was obsessed.”
‘I was screaming at the top of my lungs, ‘Bryan, wake up! I need you. Don’t leave me.’ It was hidden in something. He had been clean. That is it.’
“My parents started calling every recent number, desperately searching for their child. When someone finally answered, they laughed and taunted my dad when he said he was looking for his son. They LAUGHED.”
‘Mom received a phone call, we must come to the hospital quickly. We were meant to be picking out baby clothes! Our world came crashing down. Life would never be the same again.’
“My Auntie came out of the ward, face pale and sick. I started saying ‘no no no no’. She told me I needed to sit down, and I collapsed to the floor. We were ushered into a small, hot side room.”
‘I saw you hand over your note with sadness in your eyes. You looked at the pharmacist with fear as she read your details. You replied with the most defeated ‘no’ I’d ever heard.’
“I saw your knuckles turn white on that stroller handle bar. I saw you look down on your baby while it was starting to stir. ‘Please don’t cry,’ you whispered.”
‘I would think, ‘I have time for me later. It’s their time now.’ The doctor confirmed I wasn’t dying ‘at that moment’ and sent me home. I laid across the receptionist’s desk sobbing, begging them to help me.’
“Looking back, I saw it coming but thought I could power through it. Well, even the strong need a break, and because I wasn’t taking one, my body did the work for me. It was a slow-moving storm that turned into a hurricane, and I went down. Hard.”
