“It was hell. My doctor removed it and sent me on my way. And then I was alone.”
‘My husband and I decided during his deployment we would try to get pregnant as soon as he got home. I got pregnant the first try. But, I wasn’t supposed to mother this baby.’
‘Baby, when I hear you say you’re pregnant what I actually hear is ‘life destroyed.’ He was right. The Universe had been playing this cruel joke on me for 4 years.’
“Surprisingly, the doctor pulled me into her arms, ignoring professionalism and boundaries, and held me. She whispered in my ear, ‘I heard you talking in the change room. I know how badly you wanted this. Don’t give up yet.’”
‘I used the bathroom. My heart sank. I dove into panic mode. I am actually in labor. I surrendered to the universe. ‘Please just take care of me, please allow her to live.’
“I had lost 20 pounds by 18 weeks. Then it happened, ‘code white’ over the intercom. Twelve doctors and nurses ran into our room scrambling around me. I will never forget the moment before my eyes closed. My Guardian Angel grandfather had my hands in his, as if he were in the room. ‘Please keep our miracle alive.’”
‘My husband was my rock. But he was secretly falling apart as well. I thought it was because he never mourned our baby girl. He had been having an affair.’
“Not only had he been having an affair, but he ‘loved’ this other woman. We were approached about a pregnant woman looking for an adoptive family for her baby. I begged. My husband had a vasectomy and we paid an absurd amount of money to get it reversed. Chances were slim.”
‘I want to try for another baby,’ I told my husband. I was so scared. I took a test and it was positive! I felt fear creep in. At night I couldn’t sleep.’
“When I saw our sweet baby moving on the screen, I felt like I could breathe again. After that, I started to feel our baby kick. I was finally able to believe this baby would live.”
‘I pick up a pink sock from under the couch. Suddenly I sink to my knees. I try to smell her on the sock, hold it to my heart and scream, ‘COME BACK TO ME! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE!’
“I find myself softly chanting ‘daughter, daughter, daughter.’ I lose count as I hold that sock and rock it. Minutes pass, I don’t know how many. I finally pick myself up off the floor and I put her sock in her bedroom. I shut the door, stand there for a moment, my hand still clutching the doorknob as tears stream down my face.”
‘He was just gone. I came home one night to the apartment my boyfriend and I shared to find everything was missing. He terminated our lease and emptied our joint bank account.’
“Just a few weeks later, I woke up one morning feeling ‘different.’ I really can’t explain it, because it didn’t make any sense. But something in me, knew. I sat shaking with a pregnancy test in my hands. My body was barely functioning. But against all odds, two pink lines appeared.”
‘It was twins! In the back of my head though, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and our happy world to come tumbling down. It did, but not until later.’
“They were out of all other options. Phoenix was bleeding into his lungs, and they couldn’t figure out a way to stop it. The nurse was calling other hospitals to figure out an accurate dose of medical cocaine to administer. What?? This can’t be happening!”
‘Yes of course, bring our boy home,’ I blurted out quickly. I started to panic. ‘Now is there one baby or two babies?’ He moved the probe and we saw it. ‘You’re pregnant, with twins.’
“My phone began to ring. My eyes rolled. I was still very bitter. ‘Hi Mrs. Amanda.’ Wait what? Is this for real? I looked down at my belly – I had two babies in my tummy who needed me, and now this? Really?”
‘Stop pushing!,’ my doctor said. ‘No time to wait. His heart rate keeps dropping with every push, I cannot let this keep happening.’
“The epidural I was given hours ago never worked, I was feeling every intense pain throughout my labor. I clung to his words.”
