“Our world crumbled beneath us. ‘Why is my body not working?’ I thought I didn’t deserve to have a baby or experience motherhood. I didn’t know when or how, but I still had faith it would happen. I felt it deep within my soul.”
‘You have a 2% chance.’ My husband and I sat on the exam table, crying uncontrollably. I believed I wasn’t good enough to be a mother. I was bitter. ‘WHY is everyone else getting pregnant?’
‘Everyone poops during labor,’ she warned. It was my first time. I couldn’t stop asking questions. ‘Is it normal my water hasn’t broken yet?’ ‘Should I push? When do I push?’
“My questions didn’t stop there. ‘Is the baby okay?’ He was covered in white slime. ‘Should he be that color?’ I felt so completely unprepared. These women never looked at me and said, ‘That isn’t my job.’ That is a hero.”
‘She couldn’t stop looking over to where her brother would have been, had he survived. I couldn’t help but feel he was lying there, letting her know he was present, and will always be with her.’
“‘You’re having a boy AND a girl!’ I thought to myself, ‘One of each. How perfect!’ When I arrived and saw what she had set up, I lost it. I knew I had to honor James somehow. She smiled countless times in his direction.”
‘It was midnight and everyone was asleep. I texted my friend, ‘Come quick! I need you. Lots of blood.’ I prayed she’d wake to the sound of her phone.’
“On a whim, I decided to download a dating app. I came across a man who was in the Army. I knew he was ‘the one’ the moment I saw his photo. At first sight, I was in love. Something I had never felt before.”
‘He went pale, stuttered and said, ‘Ma’am, one of your baby’s is in your birth canal, feet first.’ People started flying in. I begged him to give them more time.’
“By the time the helicopter arrived, conditions were too dangerous. I assumed we would be rushed, lights blazing and sirens blasting to the next hospital. I kept asking when a doctor would get around to me. A resident finally came in. His face immediately gave him away.”
‘I grabbed my belly and screamed, ‘YOU’RE WRONG MY BABY GIRL IS FINE YOU WILL SEE!’ My heart started racing. I asked again, in a panic. ‘Please let me see my baby?!’
“A month after my first ultrasound, my boyfriend started getting sick. I finally made him go to the doctor because he started puking up blood.”
‘I’m not pregnant. Yes, that’s an ultrasound, with my name, a recent date, but I am not pregnant…well, not anymore.’
“Why is my body not strong enough? What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why is this happening to me? What if I can’t have anymore kids, will my husband leave me?”
