“Now you’re left exhausted, thinking what the hell did we just do? Am I an imposter because I failed? I flipped my mindset. It felt good to dive into something again, which started with ripping up all the carpet in the upstairs of our house. There was no sense in avoiding a room meant for a nursery when I could change it into a usable space.”
‘My miscarriage crushed me. I screamed and cried in the nursery closet, clenching my son’s wubby so hard my palms bled. I was inconsolable.’
‘Millions of dollars later, we’re finally home. I get to spend each day with the most amazing 14-pound child imaginable. Dammit, Baby B.’
“I bled abundantly, but both babies continued to grow. My husband and I would leave appointments joking ‘dammit Baby B!,’ partially to prepare her for a lifetime of playful comparison, and partially to protect ourselves if something ever happened. We went into our 20-week scan assuming things were perfectly fine. They weren’t.”
‘My husband called. I knew something was up. ‘She delivered a baby last night.’ I shook. I cried. He wouldn’t be the only brown face in our family.’
“A week later I received an email. I thought, ‘Leave me alone! I have a brand new baby I wasn’t expecting! Just give me a chance!’ When I clicked on the email, it wasn’t them reminding me to do my update. It was their birth mother.”
‘They are ours forever,’ I told my husband as tears ran down my face. ‘We have twins. They’ve been moved due to limited beds.’ I read that text a million times. Our day had finally come.’
“I told my student I had to talk to his dad about his behavior. He turned around. ‘He is not my dad, he is my case worker. I don’t have a mom or dad. I am in foster care.’ I was shocked and speechless. I wanted to wrap my arms around him. During dinner, I had a conversation with my husband.”
‘Have you been taking fertility meds?’ No! We tried for 1 child, and spontaneously got 3. TRIPLETS! It felt like, Us: ‘Let’s have another kid.’ Universe: ‘Hold my beer.’
“We had a narrow window to get pregnant before our son’s next heart battles. By week 7 I knew something was different. I remember turning to my husband and telling him, ‘Either pregnancy as you get older is exponentially harder, or we are having twins.’ I’m pretty sure that sealed our fate.”
‘I was prepared for surgery. Panic took over. I counted the tiles on the floor to keep from having a major panic attack. All I could think about were my two sweet babies at home. 3. 2. 1…and I was asleep.’
“It was a quiet dinner; not many words were exchanged. We just sat together and acknowledged what was coming. He held my hand and made sure I drank and ate whatever I wanted. When we were done, I went home to feelings of intense physical pain. I didn’t want to go to the ER. I just had to wait.”
‘I anxiously laid there, holding my husband’s hand with a big smile on our faces. Only this time, something was different. I frantically scanned the screen. I knew it.’
“I put on the ugly gown, the ugly socks and continue breathing techniques. My husband kisses my hand, kisses my forehead, and holds my hand the entire way. The mask goes on, and I slowly close my eyes.”
‘This led us to a dark, silent hospital room on Halloween. We were supposed to be prepping a nursery and picking out names.’
“Instead, we hastened to name an already much-loved child that was not ours to keep. Every alarm bell in my body went off.”
‘They said, ‘You’re lucky you don’t have kids.’ I had just had my first miscarriage.’
“I went back to work the next day taking orders at a drive-in while someone was complaining about their kids. I explained to them I had just miscarried, and I WOULD gladly take their place.”
‘I drove high with my kids in the car. They would hear me lie through my teeth about pain I’d made up, just to get a script. My husband threatened to leave me, but I was so good at lying to him.’
“I wasn’t pregnant anymore technically, and those pills stopped more than just my physical pain – they numbed my emotions as well. I would hide pills around the house – on shelves behind clothes, in drawers, even in my kids’ rooms – anywhere.”
