“My 6-year-old plays Fortnite all day. My kids could sleep with a tablet in their bed and I wouldn’t give a flying hoot anymore, as long as they’re quiet. I’ve let the boys wrestle like they’re in a cage fight, right in front of me, and I haven’t done a thing. My selective hearing has really improved.”
This Mom’s List of Pandemic ‘Parenting Fails’ Is So Relatable
‘The detective said, ‘I need to speak with you immediately. This is the strangest thing to ever happen at the New Jersey DEA. Come to the precinct at once.’: Mom hilariously recalls Christmas gift gone wrong, ‘The things we do for our kids’
“I tried to get the best Christmas gift for my daughter on Etsy and accidentally became embroiled in an international drug-smuggling ring. The things we do for our kids.”
‘LEAVE ME ALONE.’ I hurled a toy at the wall. It looked like a tornado struck our basement. I hit my LOWEST point.’: Mom shares candid reality of parenting in a pandemic, ‘We’re trying our best’
“The dent in the wall? It’s from me. The toy I’m holding? Yep, I threw it against the wall in a fit of tears.”
‘He flailed around like a salted earthworm. ‘SIT DOWN. GO TO TIME OUT.’ I felt nothing but resentment. He widened his eyes and said, ‘Mommy, I’m scared.’: Mom shares moment of lost temper, ‘I’m terrified of screwing things up’
“His sweet little cherub curls and fat tears streaming down his face, and all I could think was WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??? My son was scared. Of me.”
‘As I was in the bathroom I heard a rustling noise. I figured it was a mouse. As I lifted my eyes to scan, mid-wipe, my eyes met another pair of eyes. IT WASN’T A MOUSE.’: Woman hilariously recounts embarrassing bathroom mishap
“‘HELLO! I’m in here.’ I think he knew I was ‘in’ there. I just don’t think his brain could process what he was seeing. He saw a bodacious woman, full-frontal from the waist down, wiping…her…backside.”
‘The server dropped off the check, and that’s when I realized. WHERE IS MY DEBIT CARD?’: Mom hilariously recounts ‘missing’ debit card, ‘I am NOT made for adulting’
“It’s not in my pockets. Not in my car. Not on the kitchen counter. So, I skivvy down for my sadness shower and… wait. Stuck to my boob. Because OBVIOUSLY.”
‘What the hell is that? Is it POOP? How did it survive the wash cycle?! Wait, can poop be sanitized?’: Mom hilariously recounts ‘heart-stopping’ moment of confusion, ‘Hang in there, y’all’
“A cold wash of panic flooded my chest. I blinked rapidly. ‘Oh my god, how did poop get in the washing machine?!’ I do not want to have to buy a new washer. Nonetheless, I had to address the situation at hand.”
‘Frankly, I was about to pull a Jesus at the Marketplace and send tables flying. Parents, we have to LOWER OUR STANDARDS.’: Mom shares act of ‘grace’ while out with family, urges ‘pay it forward’
“‘Great idea, hon. Let him eat on the filthy restaurant floor!’ A woman at the table behind us turned around in her seat. She was definitely preparing to make some commentary, and my stomach dropped a little. But then she smiled.”
‘Does it REALLY matter if she wears the d*mn earmuffs to school? NO, obviously not.’: Mom urges acceptance of quirks in kids, ‘One day I’ll miss these moments’
“Leopard earmuffs, too big. Take them away and distract with a princess poppy doll. That’s when I see it. A kid walking into school with a mask on.”
‘Right—THERE! MOMMY! NO! A CAR JUST SQUASHED IT!’ I pumped the brakes, started directing traffic. I was hyperventilating.’: Hero mom saves lizard
“‘Sir, can you take it to a hospital?’ He pulled his truck past me and tipped his hat. ‘Hail nawl, little lady. That thang is all on you.’ Pretty soon I was standing alone, next to my car, with a half-dead thing in a shoe box that was IN MY HANDS. I was hyperventilating. This was not okay.”
