mom humor

‘What in the actual hell are you doing?’ Then I saw it. The glassy eyes. I have NEVER seen my husband DRUNK. The waitress asks if he’d like another round. He’s LOST. HIS. MIND.’

“I peek into the bathroom. He is NAKED, on the toilet with his face in a garbage can. He hears me shriek with laughter and screams, ‘CLOSE THE DOOR DANIELLE!!’ Me: ‘You drink a little too much?’ Justin: ‘NO! It was the chicken wings.’ I am DOUBLED OVER laughing at how ridiculous this is, and how stupid he thinks I am.”

‘Did you hit something?’ ‘No.’ He crossed his arms and cocked his head to the side. ‘No, because you don’t know, or no, because you don’t want to tell me?’ There was no way I was admitting to it.’

“He walked in and had that look on his face. Where you know you’re in trouble, but you don’t know why. He’s waiting for you to say something and you’re racking your brain about what you should admit to. He found the evidence. ‘A-ha!’ My jaw dropped when I saw it.”

‘I take him to the doctor. ‘It’s an emergency!’ I remembered someone put sliced potatoes in their child’s sock, and it helped them feel better. No runny nose, he was cured. So, I did it!’

“I’ll tell you what it DID do. It made my husband think I had lost my mind when the baby is screaming and instead of being with him, I’m in the kitchen stomping around, gathering potatoes like a farmer and trying to slice them like I’m prepping to scalloped potatoes, like a mad woman, chanting, ‘Potatoes! He needs potatoes!’”

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