“I love your soft hair and your makeup, mama. I’d like to put makeup on my face, but I don’t have any. You run around searching for your phone, and I have an idea! I saw a marker in the other room. I color all over my face. I bet I look beautiful! But, you didn’t think so.”
‘Your voice got loud. You said I made a nasty mess. I’m sorry, mama. I didn’t mean to make you mad. You look so pretty today.’
‘I’d be driving to work and see the ‘perfect’ tree to ram my car into. I stared at the railing upstairs, picking out the spot to hang from. I knew this was not normal, but it was my new normal.’
“It was a dreary day. I was standing by the window with tears streaming down my face. The kids were whining in the background. The house was a complete disaster. I was trembling and my knuckles were white from gripping the chair. My marriage was crumbling before my eyes.”
‘Kalen I am done.’ We both were bartenders. I was a single mom, and this amazing guy was just waiting to get his next high. He did not even weigh 110 pounds and had very sad eyes.’
“I met this amazing guy. He always had headphones in, came in late every day and refused to speak to me. Being the high-strung, outspoken girl I am, I knew I would change that. Little did I know what I was up against.”
‘I was talking to and rubbing my belly. ‘I’m thankful for you. I love you no matter what. You are my child, and I will treat you as I would treat any child, even if I have to do this by myself.’
“Angelica was admitted into the hospital for emergency surgery. As I was leaving all of my emotions hit me. I felt so overwhelmed, my newborn baby was in the hospital, and now my wife. I felt helpless.”
‘Where are you going?’ I asked. ‘I’m leaving. Obviously, I am not a priority in your life!’ He peeled out of the parking lot, leaving me standing there wondering what the hell just happened.’
“I got a phone call. The woman was getting divorced and needed my help. My boyfriend stomps towards me, handing me my wallet and keys. ‘Your priorities are all out of whack,’ he said as he nearly runs me over while heading towards his car.”
‘Did he just rape me?’ My cousin. My family. I lay there wondering how could this have happened? I did not tell anyone until 6 weeks later when I found out I was pregnant.’
“I told my cousin I needed to lie down. He offered his bedroom to me. I didn’t think twice about it. I was safe. I was with family. I went to sleep. The next thing I know, my body was rocking. There was pressure. Unrecognizable pressure. Someone was behind me.”
‘I went into anaphylactic shock and had to be given adrenaline to keep me from dying. My body turned red and I started to pass out. She had to speak to me through the doorway.’
“There was something wrong with my body. I was told my illness was all in my head. Was I really crazy? Something deep down inside of me knew I wasn’t.”
‘I was okay with him having a daughter, but NOT an ex. ‘I wonder where she’s sitting? Are they on the same couch? Why hasn’t he texted me? They’re back together, in Vegas getting married.’
“If there was a woman coming into MY daughter’s life, I would need their social security number and 20 references. When I met her, she said ‘hi,’ and walked away. Hi. Hi? That’s it? Where’s the interrogation? Where’s the drug test? I told Sam, ‘She hates me! I should text her.’ I was a total crazy person.”
‘We were both speechless. ‘We’re almost 40 and we’ll be changing diapers again!,’ my husband finally muttered. I didn’t say a word. I was so shocked, my jaw on the ground with tears in my eyes.’
“Two children in Heaven, one here on earth; we were at peace. We signed the paperwork with the fertility clinic to finally close that chapter in our lives. Six months later, we were relaxing with a bottle of wine. Before I poured a glass, I ran upstairs. I was ‘late.’ I barely glanced at it, assuming it would be negative.”
‘I vividly remember. My right arm held the new baby I birthed less than 24-hours ago. My left held my foster son, patting his new sister on the foot. I felt so much joy and so much pain.’
“We sat in the courtroom and listened to the story of lives that had been destroyed. We watched as the judge decided our son could no longer live with his biological parents. I’d be lying if I said a part of me wasn’t relieved. I struggled with feeling I wasn’t enough for these two babies 15 months apart. I believed the lie.”
