“I knew this van was a push-start because it was one of the first things I said when I test drove it. ‘Ooooh this is so boujee!,’ I even told the sales man. You literally just push a button! It’s OBVIOUSLY not that hard.”
‘I ‘push the button’ and throw the car into reverse. Something was wrong. Everything started locking up on me. I push the brake and that’s locked, too! What. The Heck.’
‘He is a good son. We love you Jeff.’ I couldn’t stop sobbing. He went on, as if they both were standing next to his bed. His eyes were closed, but he had the most peaceful smile.’
“He was sleeping, when I heard him say something. I leaned in. As clear as can be, he started having a conversation with Mom and Jeff. Jeff is his son, who died 2 years ago. They were whole, healthy, and together once again. I was overwhelmed by what had just taken place.”
‘Before he died, he requested to be cremated. It seemed like a no brainer. You know, ‘Easy peasy, I’ll get to keep a part of him forever and I’ll be thankful for that.’
“Except that’s not how it happened. I didn’t know how badly it would haunt me. Even talking about this is so shameful.”
‘I woke up to find a note on the dining room table. My world paused in that moment. That tiny note was the very first time I saw his handwriting in the 18 years I had known him.’
“Life moved on. He was never far from my mind but he no longer made his way into my life. Then one day he phoned me.”
‘A push in the hall, being thrown in the trash. I dreaded school. I would end the day in tears. It wasn’t going to change. Why? I was an easy target.’
“They would take my glasses off my face and see me wander around blindly trying to get them back. Then they would settle for throwing me in the trashcan. All I wanted was to go about my day in peace, but things only got worse.”
‘It must be stress’. The doctors made me feel I was making things up. This was all in my head, and I’m just wasting their time.’
“It was hard to keep it hidden anymore. The hope that these symptoms would go away was fading fast. I never told any of my friends or my school teachers because I felt too embarrassed.”
‘I have to take him and run!’ We were worried, but he was perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes, a head full of black hair. I thought, ‘There’s no way. She’s crazy.’
“My baby didn’t look like my baby. You know that feeling where you’re so shocked you could cry, but nothing comes out? That’s where I was. I was stuck between wanting to crumble to the ground in disbelief, and wanting to smile because my baby made it.”
‘His little voice begged me to wake up. ‘Don’t die, mommy. Don’t die, mommy.’ His hug, his kiss and his tenderness, lying next to me for hours as I sobbed.’
“Another fight left me to sleep in the guest room. My middle child, my baby boy, crawled into bed with me as my head throbbed and I couldn’t’ stop the room from spinning. Again. My loudest rock bottom came like a whisper – It was his touch.”
‘Megan silently handed me the letter. ‘I heard urine need of a kidney.’ My immediate thought was YEAH! I opened it and read, ‘Want Mine?’ WOW. I mean WOW.’
“She was my work wife. Our #1 goal was to go home safe every night. It said, ‘Turns out we are a perfect match. Not only on the job, but in blood and organs too. You always had my back on the road and off, now you can have my kidney.’ REALLY?!”
‘He’s a sick guy.’ The pediatric cardiologist affirmed with an almost flippancy. Like, you know, yeah he’s dying, but like, he’s sick. Of course he’s dying. He’s a sick guy.’
“When my high school sweetheart and I decided to grow our family, we had no clue the battles we’d face. We’d had fairly smooth, straightforward lives up to this point. After my miscarriage of identical twins, I thought for sure we’d paid our dues.”
