“I expected to be handed my baby like I was Beyoncé in a floral garden and the heavens open up. Instead, I felt like a potato cake seagulls were fighting over, one stitching me up, one folding my boob like a hamburger to stuff in my baby’s mouth, and one pressing so hard on my stomach I thought she was going to touch my spine. Yep, didn’t count on that.”
‘Motherhood is really tough.’ You’d think, ‘Well that’s crap.’ Birth was traumatic. As a child of sexual abuse, a traumatic birth can be very re-triggering. I didn’t count on that.’
‘My girlfriend of 9 months was pregnant. ‘I need to tell you something.’ I opened it, saw pink and cried. My relationship was beyond repair. I had to leave, I had to be a single dad.’
“My heart was thumping. ‘Yeah, we are having a baby too.’ Nobody spoke. Everyone looked at each other dumbfounded. Finally, my sister broke the painful silence. ‘Are you serious?,’ she asked. I was serious. Everyone knew my relationship was vulnerable.”
‘I yelled to my husband, ‘This is the only child you’re getting, I can’t do this again!’ The doctor had to take the baby out in a split second. He was purple, had the cord around his neck, not crying.’
“The waiting game absolutely killed me. I was crying, desperate and confused. I felt like somebody was trying to take my baby away. My husband and I had to plan to spend time together. Our marriage and our relationship come before everything, and we don’t take it lightly.”
‘An hour before our flight, I got a text. ‘WATER BROKE BRING CAR SEAT!!!’ We couldn’t believe it! We were off to meet our baby boy. ‘I have news. Call me back,’ she said on the voicemail.’
“We waited in the parking lot, for hours. She ended up getting sick. It was a very contagious infection that ended up spreading to the baby. My husband cried. He couldn’t believe people were so kind.”
‘Are you ok tonight?’ I was in the grocery store trying to pretend everything was OK, but it wasn’t. I was bawling my eyes out. ‘This isn’t a forever feeling.’ I’m so grateful to you.’
“I was afraid to leave my house without my husband. ‘I know this is hard for you,’ he would say. ‘Can you tell yourself that you’re safe?’ ‘No,’ I would respond. I reached out as a bit of a last-ditch effort, right there in the grocery store, tears running down my face. The response was incredible. Those women saved me.”
‘It feels like a violation of your body. The doctor or assistant may remind you, ‘It’s nothing different than sex, have you never had sex before?’
“With the huge population of our country these doctors take innocent people for a ride, sometimes even during the pregnancy or childbirth.”
‘You’re 13 weeks pregnant!’ My bosses were so excited. Then things took a turn. ‘I have an issue with you pumping at work. Your job at this company is over.’
“I was heartbroken and confused. Was this man REALLY telling me I couldn’t pump?! I had no idea what to do. I needed this job! So, I wrote him a letter. ‘Come sit and talk with me,’ he said.”
‘Oh my God!,’ I gasped as I frantically pawed at my hair, as if I could find those absent hairs hiding just out of sight. ‘How long has it been like this?!’
“I quickly showered and washed my hair the morning of our first son’s baptism. We were running late, so I grabbed a brush and hair tie and resolved to do my hair in the car. I flipped down the visor. My eyes caught, to my horror, a glimpse of my new hairline. I shrieked.”
‘I constantly thought to myself ‘Ashley what the f*ck are you doing? You have no business being a mother.’ I told my family I was okay. I couldn’t let anybody know I wanted to die.’
“My husband wanted love, and I wanted to be left alone. I just wanted to stay home, cry and hug the toilet. My relationship was over, and I lost it.”
‘My husband and I decided during his deployment we would try to get pregnant as soon as he got home. I got pregnant the first try. But, I wasn’t supposed to mother this baby.’
“It was hell. My doctor removed it and sent me on my way. And then I was alone.”