newborn

‘I’m not attached to my baby. There, I said it.’

“It’s a harsh reality to admit, and I’m sure I’ll get a few gasps. But it’s the honest truth. And I know I’m not alone. I shrug off compliments from strangers about my pregnancy. This is my coping mechanism.”

‘Is he gone?!,’ I yelled. It wasn’t my husband. He was so excited to be a dad. He was born to be one. I held his hand, telling him how much his unborn son and I loved him.’

“Scott just started a new job. We bought a house and were moving. He started not feeling well, but we attributed it to the stress of everything changing in our life. He went to work after getting me settled in the hospital. When he came back, he looked pale. I told him to get some rest, I would be just fine.”

‘The anesthetist put a mask over my face. ‘Please help me, I’m going to die.’ She replied, ‘You‘re not going to die.’ I thought about the family I was leaving behind, and then it went dark.’

“Mom kept saying to me, ‘You’re in labor.’ I kept replying, ‘No I’m not.’ Ethan and I just kept repeating, ‘IMAGINE, imagine if this is it!’ We were so excited, and so naive of what was to come. I put my chin to my chest and pushed as hard as my body could handle.”

‘I received a text. ‘Have you ever considered adoption? I have a friend looking to place.’ I said, ‘I wish!’ When my husband came home, I pulled him close. This was not a coincidence.’

“My husband asked me to schedule him a doctor’s appointment. This was rare. He never asks for that. He found a hard mass on his right testicle and needed it checked out immediately. ‘The doctor will see you now,’ the receptionist said. Once in the room, the doctor confirmed the news.”

‘His head was his hands. ‘It’s over! I ruined everything! Call the daycare. Tell them we can’t send the kids anymore.’ I used to hide in the bathroom to cry, but always kept my calm in front of him.’

“We had another baby, we were happy. Things were great, until they weren’t. I’ll never forget the day when I called in sick because of a bad migraine. An hour after my husband left for work, he called to tell me the bad news. He was crying, I could barely understand what he was saying.”

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