“Our nursery sat untouched. I couldn’t open the door. There was no need for 3 burping pillows. But, there was one box that sat in our basement for nearly 2 years. I held my breath as I opened that final storage box.”
‘What do you do with all the ‘stuff?’ It’s gut-wrenching for parents who lost a child. The dreams of a baby in the nursery are no longer viable, and now you are left with ‘stuff.’
‘I was pushing while nurses were rushing to break down the bed, my husband and a soon-to-be dad on each side, and a soon-to-be mom gloving up to help deliver HER baby.’
“He walked in and said, ‘What’s going on? I was just in here, she’s at 5.’ Nurse said, ‘NO, she’s not! It’s time! NOW!’ Everything was a blur. Tears streaming down my face – my mind racing – I was carrying someone else’s dreams.”
‘I realized I had missed 20 calls from my mom. The night before, her father picked her up and took her home with him. I arrived at the ER very confused. All I remember was her yelling and crying.’
“‘We think you hurt your daughter.’ I burst into tears and cried, ‘There’s no way, I would never hurt her!’ The investigator said, ‘I am sorry I had to do that to you, that is how we expect someone to act when told that. Your husband isn’t acting how we would expect him to.’”
‘My daughter said, ‘There’s a light coming into the picture.’ It wasn’t just any light. This was a beam straight from HEAVEN itself.’
“This pregnancy has been exceptionally harder for me emotionally, knowing I won’t have any pictures of my dad holding this baby. I keep praying for him to show up in some way or another. And boy, did he.”
‘When I gave birth to my second child, I relapsed. I was running around, so it was easy to miss lunch. But then, I started missing that meal purposely.’
“’Just because I did it in the past doesn’t mean I’d do it again. Plus, I’m breastfeeding.’ That was the scary thing, I was BREASTFEEDING, and my daughter needed the nutrients. Hearing myself say those words out loud freaked me out. I lied.”
‘There is a lot of fluid in there. I am going to get your doctor.’ My heart sank, and I debated calling my husband, but just sat there, numb, and decided to wait.’
“I trusted my doctor dearly, so I knew she’d have something good to say. She always did. She did not this time.”
‘I held my baby and cried. I’ve never felt so alone and helpless. But then, I felt a cold nose on my arm. He was looking up at me to say, ‘Don’t worry Mom, you’re not alone. You have me.’
“He is my Service dog, and my best friend. I needed a C-section. When the time, I gave him a wink and a short goodbye. ‘Can I see it?’ ‘It sure is a noisy little thing!’ ‘Let me see, let me see!’”
‘I didn’t love my daughter at first sight. I look at that picture and cringe. I just wanted to be left alone. I felt so heartless.’
“There the nurse was, taking this baby’s head and shoving it into my boob to start breastfeeding. ‘She’s your baby!’ I would tell myself, ‘just bond with her.’ I’ve made a huge mistake here.”
‘He asked me if he could murder the baby now. His father had been alone with him for 2 hours and everything had been fine.’
“I didn’t even make it through my first day back from maternity leave. At 2:30 I got the message every mother hopes they will never get. ‘Xavier stopped breathing. Come home now.’”
‘I anxiously laid there, holding my husband’s hand with a big smile on our faces. Only this time, something was different. I frantically scanned the screen. I knew it.’
“I put on the ugly gown, the ugly socks and continue breathing techniques. My husband kisses my hand, kisses my forehead, and holds my hand the entire way. The mask goes on, and I slowly close my eyes.”
