“I waited, patiently, for someone that needed me. I honestly never really expected to hear back. Then, it came. Before she was even able to tell me all of the risks associated with the surgery, I knew I was all in. This was my purpose.”
‘They called. My husband thought I was crazy. I hopped on a plane by myself. 1,500 miles from home, I sat on a stretcher, determined to help someone become a mom. I was REALLY doing this.’
‘To get 2 children, I gave up 2. Creating a baby lost all allure. I was on a mission, detached from the actual act. Every app told me when to breathe, when to baby make. I couldn’t feel joy. It was all fear.’
“I found some elaborate way to share the news with my husband. The handcrafted note around our dog’s neck read, ‘Surprise! You’re going to be a father!’ Then a few weeks later, surprise you’re not. By the 3rd pregnancy, there was no special announcement. I didn’t buy a single item, not even a bib. How could I?”
‘I thought you would like to meet your children,’ the nurse said with a smile. She handed me a stack of pictures, my first glimpse of my tiny premature babies.’
“I met my son for the first time, thanks to this picture. A picture that was taken by our nurse. She walked in, making the trek from a different building and several floors away. She knew I was too weak to visit the NICU, and hoped seeing my children would help me heal.”
‘You have a 2% chance.’ My husband and I sat on the exam table, crying uncontrollably. I believed I wasn’t good enough to be a mother. I was bitter. ‘WHY is everyone else getting pregnant?’
“Our world crumbled beneath us. ‘Why is my body not working?’ I thought I didn’t deserve to have a baby or experience motherhood. I didn’t know when or how, but I still had faith it would happen. I felt it deep within my soul.”
‘John was my PATIENT, and I was married. With tears streaming down my face, I looked at him. ‘Do you want to get married?’ We held each other in the tightest hug, and just sobbed. Hard.’
“I was working in an oncology clinic. John was a new patient. I couldn’t help but notice his sparkling eyes, and nervous smile. His doctor came in and held his hand. ‘It’s time, John.’”
‘I don’t recall seeing a deck of cards in the nurse’s hand as I was given an epidural. I don’t recall hearing ‘Go Fish’ as I laid in the operating room while delivering my child.’
“You know what I do recall? The nurse who stood in the bathroom with me and gave me a shower after my C-section. The nurse who was on the helicopter with my mom the day she died, making sure she held her hand because even after she passed, she didn’t want her to be alone.”
‘Why are you wearing a T-shirt?,’ I asked when I picked her up. ‘I had to put something on because I need privacy.’ She started bawling.’
“‘Yeah, it will be nice out, you can wear a dress.’ It didn’t occur to me an adult would look at my 5-year-old child and think wearing a dress was inappropriate. She was told she needed to leave class and go to the nurse’s office. The nurse told her, ‘She needed to cover her body.'”
‘I called that hotel room and heard his voice. And then heard HER voice in the background. That was the day I broke. How do you live with someone not know who they truly are? Was I blind?’
“When I saw the credit card charges to a hotel in a town 1,000 miles from where he was supposed to be, that was when I felt the knife in my gut – but somehow I still thought, maybe it was a mistake. Did someone open a card under his name?”
‘Our daughter was referred to as a number, I still remember that number to this day. I dropped to my knees and cried and begged and pleaded.’
“I felt so guilty, why couldn’t my body handle being pregnant?”
‘I put you in your mom’s arms so you could be snuggled while you drifted off to sleep. I hid behind the curtain and shed silent tears. I still hear the echo of, ‘I’m so sorry, but he is gone.’
“I remember every single detail about this day. I knew what I was coming into, but in no way was I prepared for it. Your nurses before me had gotten you so handsome, dressed for your family. You looked so small in that big bed.”
