“I go to check on Jason before bed. I find him – twitching and unresponsive. I run downstairs, yelling at my dad to call 911. Little did we know, he wouldn’t make it back for his last week of school.”
‘YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.’ I decided enough was enough. Now, I was really scared. Here I am, 19 years old, with a kid – a special needs kid at that – and totally alone.’
‘My honest thought when I first saw her was, ‘It wasn’t supposed to be this bad.’ The nurses were silent. Emmy was silent. It was eerie and terrifying.’
“I told my husband something was wrong and they weren’t telling us. When she finally came back after what felt like an eternity, all she said was the doctor was waiting for us. I could hardly get on my feet.”
‘The doctor knelt beside my bed with our baby. ‘There are things I want to point out to you.’ Those words hit me hard. ‘No she’s perfect. That’s not possible – she was already tested for that.’
“This was not how it was supposed to be. I was grieving the perfect baby I had in my head for 10 months. I felt pity for not only myself, but her. I wanted to know ‘why us?’”
‘As I looked in the mirror, I immediately started critiquing myself. Then I heard my daughter tell my husband, ‘She really IS Wonder Woman.’ My heart just stopped.’
“I go to bed and beat myself up for all the things I didn’t do perfectly that day. They go to bed with smiles, and I fall asleep with a panic attack. I see scars everywhere from the life I’ve survived.”
‘The first thing he wrote down was, ‘Was it my fault?’ I ran out of the room to get his mom. We all took a deep breath.’
“His coworker saw one of their work trucks in a bad accident on the highway. My heart started to race, and I frantically continued to call Brian over and over again. Still no answer.”
‘I’m finally happy, and now I’m going to die?’ I was losing blood from somewhere. My heart sank. I was terrified. All I could think about were my children and my husband.’
“My periods were out of control, I did nothing but bleed constantly. I would fill overnight pads within an hour. I stayed in pain, it was unbearable. My husband came home on his lunch and found me doubled over in the floor, unable to move.”
‘Mommy! I’m going to ask Santa for a baby in your belly!’ Doing all I could to keep it together, I replied, ‘That may be a hard promise for him to keep.’
“‘Well,’ she paused. ‘Five days is a long time. If it were me, I’d want to know.’ I could not get her words out of my head. I purchased the finest pregnancy tests 8 quarters could buy.”
‘I lay in bed with wires and IV’s attached to me. A nurse walked in, armed with a breast pump. ‘You need to start pumping,’ she said. Excuse me?’
“A confused expression took over my face. I was barely alive.”
‘I heard them bring up me and say, ‘Wow another pregnancy! Geez I hope you guys can afford it.’ He looked over at me while I had tears in my eyes.’
“Then they said, ‘Gosh it must be boring being at home all day, what does she do all day? I guess she’s not going back to work? Must be nice.’ And they giggled to each other with their stupid faces.”
‘The ache in my heart starts around the holidays. I know I am being ‘watched.’ I’m actually afraid everyone will think I have moved on and forgotten my son.’
“Everyone asked if we were doing anything special in honor of Alex on the first anniversary of his death. I refuse, to this day, to call it an anniversary. It is the day our lives changed forever. Anniversaries are for celebrating. So I just call it the day Alex died.”
