“I expected to be handed my baby like I was Beyoncé in a floral garden and the heavens open up. Instead, I felt like a potato cake seagulls were fighting over, one stitching me up, one folding my boob like a hamburger to stuff in my baby’s mouth, and one pressing so hard on my stomach I thought she was going to touch my spine. Yep, didn’t count on that.”
‘Motherhood is really tough.’ You’d think, ‘Well that’s crap.’ Birth was traumatic. As a child of sexual abuse, a traumatic birth can be very re-triggering. I didn’t count on that.’
‘I’m not attached to my baby. There, I said it.’
“It’s a harsh reality to admit, and I’m sure I’ll get a few gasps. But it’s the honest truth. And I know I’m not alone. I shrug off compliments from strangers about my pregnancy. This is my coping mechanism.”
‘It was playtime on the playground. My student looked anxious. I climbed to get closer to him, placed my foot on the rail and tumbled, hitting my head on a metal pole. I fell to the ground.’
“That’s it. That’s all it took. Five minutes to change my entire life.”
‘I told her, ‘I’m looking for a ‘suit.’ He’s an ex-felon, an addict, covered in ink, going through a divorce, currently unemployed. Yeah, No!’ We married just 3 months later.’
“I clicked into his profile. ‘Hi.’ His response was, ‘Who is this?’ He would disappear for long periods of time – sometimes years – and no one knew if he was alive or dead. Just 6 days after meeting him, I was on pins and needles. I finally called. When he answered, I could hear the difference in his voice. I’m telling you, he was magic.”
‘It’s okay. Get in your car and scream. It’s not going to make everything go away, but you deserve the release. Are the tears coming now? Good, don’t stop them.’
“This feels like the weight of the world because it’s about your entire world: your precious child. Every prenatal screen passed with flying colors. They tell you your child is healthy and whole, and now, they say that very same child has special needs. Here’s how you reclaim your power.”
‘She said, ‘That’s them. That’s my son’s parents. That’s who I’ve been looking for.’ And then, I told her you were pregnant.’
“Her entire demeanor changed. The pause felt like an eternity. There could be two ends to this. My hand flew to my mouth as a gasp of air escaped and a sob caught in my throat. Stunned.”
‘Are you mom?’ I nodded, ‘Yes.’ He ran along the canal for a mile. He saw the farmer pulling her out of the water. Our sweet girl had bumped into this farmer’s leg.’
“With 10 adults and 5 kids present, anyone would assume our daughter would have been safe. But after unexpected guests rang the doorbell, a bag of popcorn started on fire, and multiple kids ran outside, it only took seconds for Preslee to slip past everyone into the canal.”
‘My sister is not JUST my child’s aunt. She is a second mother. You became my closest ally, my wingwoman.’
“You were there with a bottle of wine the first night of sleep training. You were there when I cried tears, holding my new baby, as I battled postpartum. You were there when my husband and I needed to work on our relationship. You are his hero, his safe haven, his escape.”
‘What are ya’ll doing here?’ She had a peculiar look on her face. ‘We have something to tell you.’ ‘If you’re pregnant or dropping out of school, you might as well leave now! GET OUT!’
“I heard the words ‘Oh crap!’ We shockingly stared at the pregnancy test. ‘What do I do?!,’ I asked. ‘You have to tell your mom.’ My mom was a ‘no nonsense’ woman. Everyone knew she was NOT to be played with. I had to tell her in public. We showed up, unannounced, at her job.”
‘Did I love you enough today?,’ I wondered as I drove you to school through tears of frustration.. I catch a glimpse of you staring at me in the rear view.’
“I want to rewind the day and tell you how good you did. I will ALWAYS be here. Rooting for you. Lifting you up. You are, and always will be, the greatest thing I have ever done.”