“I put on my backpack, left school, and walked across the street. I was surprised to be greeted by two smiling men who didn’t offer me a Coke, but real alcohol. I was flattered to be included in such grown-up activity. All three of us got into the car. I was naïve to their motives.”
‘Just be a good boy and relax,’ he said. He was my teacher. Other men watched. Next was a priest and a trio of monks. I was 11 and my parents didn’t know.’
‘If you EVER speak out, I know where the bullets are.’ I walked in the snow for miles in short sleeves. I woke up in the hospital, angry I survived, and pulled out all the hospital tubes.’
“I looked up from my bed and saw my mother and sister at the door. The look in their eyes is something I never want to see again. I feared that I had to be cured. I wish I had seen the warning signs.’
‘Get out,’ he said. He left me on the side of the road and ran over my phone. It was pouring rain. I was in my pajamas, barefoot. ‘Mom, I think I made a mistake.’
“It was New Year’s Eve and I was four days late for my period. I felt a hot flash and burning sensation spread across my face. I awoke to his voice. ‘Who is this guy you’ve been texting?’”
‘I was 4 years old. I had on my plaid dress. He interrupted my nap and locked the bedroom door. When I told my dad, he said, ‘WHY did you need to share this? Can’t you see how upset your mother is?’
“I remember the pillow soaking with tears as he shushed me. I never meant to tell anyone. It was a secret I had decided to carry to the grave.”
‘I was told, ‘This will jumpstart your desire for women!’ Being gay was NOT an option. It was a ticket to hell.’
“I closed the blinds of my home, stopped answering my phone, and resigned from my position. Two weeks later, I sat in my dining room table with a close friend. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. I hoped it would be the last time.”
‘For 23 years, he wrote letters expressing deep remorse. ‘He is the most impeccable inmate,’ the district attorney said. I had to do something I struggled with for decades: forgive him.’
“I saw the shock in his eyes. ‘This is the best birthday gift I’ve ever received,’ he said, sobbing in my arms. We were together again for the first time in years.”
‘I bet all the girls at school have a crush on you,’ he said. He tore a receipt and wrote his phone number down. I walked out of my front door on a school night and hopped in his car.’
“My mom was distracted when he passed the information to me and said, ‘I would love to help you figure out what you want to do when you grow up.’ Then my mom chimed in about how great I was at sales. That was his siren. That was his bridge. That was his free ticket.”
‘At first, Mickey’s grooming was very subtle. I knew it was something I just had to deal with. He granted me a new home and this was my life now.’
“When I cut my hair short she said, ‘Only old women and dykes have their hair short.’ There is no doubt in my mind that any disclosure would have only solidified her disgust with me.”
‘Inside I was screaming, ‘I am your aunt!’ We waited in the school office. One by one, our kids walked into the room. We didn’t have a plan, but I knew my suspicions were right.’
“We spent the rest of that night carrying people out, and sending them to the emergency room. I said to myself, ‘I shouldn’t be here. I have children.’ I called my husband, worried about what he would say. My palms were sweating. ‘Go get your kids,’ he responded.”
‘There is smoke all around me. A bright flash followed by debris rushing past my face. A pitched ringing in my ears. My mouth is moving, but no sound is coming out.’
“The smell of burning flesh is in the air. My helmet chin strap is inside my mouth and being forced down my throat. In a state of panic, I pull at it and choke violently. All my senses are in shock. In an attempt to escape my impending fate, I notice all movement is restricted by an unseen force. Then, I wake up.”
