“I looked around, saw a bedroom with a blow-up mattress, a kitchen with hardly any food, and only a few baby items. I then looked at my daughter sleeping so sweetly. Something inside me broke; I told her it would be the last night I would EVER put her in these circumstances.”
‘My child’s father was leaving me. I was a new mother to a 3-month-old baby girl. The only items I had were a bag of clothes and a computer. She didn’t deserve any of this.’
‘Our daughter was referred to as a number, I still remember that number to this day. I dropped to my knees and cried and begged and pleaded.’
“I felt so guilty, why couldn’t my body handle being pregnant?”
‘I love you, and I’m home.’ He wrapped me in a warm embrace. We had a fairy tale image of what our life would be. The next year was a whirlwind of emotions.’
“We lived off ramen noodles and ham sandwiches. We slept in forty-five minute increments. ‘I miss us,’ he said. The spark of our honeymoon years quickly faded, and life together felt more like survival.”
‘I will never forget her eyes. She looked directly at me, shouting to get the doctor. ‘What’s going on, what’s happening?’ ‘The cord is hanging out of you.’ ‘What does that mean?’
“I’m rolling down the hall looking at lights in the ceiling as I go by. I wake up and Jade’s standing there with Layla. But something isn’t right. I’m keeping a secret from everyone.”
‘He’s a sick guy.’ The pediatric cardiologist affirmed with an almost flippancy. Like, you know, yeah he’s dying, but like, he’s sick. Of course he’s dying. He’s a sick guy.’
“When my high school sweetheart and I decided to grow our family, we had no clue the battles we’d face. We’d had fairly smooth, straightforward lives up to this point. After my miscarriage of identical twins, I thought for sure we’d paid our dues.”
‘When I learned I was having twins, I cried. ‘But I already have a baby!’ were the first words out of my mouth as the ultrasound tech told me there was not ONE, but TWO embryos in there.’
“I felt at my breaking point. ‘JUST SLEEP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!’ Slamming doors and screaming, I was having a temper tantrum of my own.”
‘The baby suddenly gagged and then violently vomited what seemed to be a weeks’ worth of breast milk. I held her up and she was lifeless. She was unresponsive.’
“I immediately told my oldest to dial 9-1-1. She was trembling. I was trying to figure out if the baby was breathing. I realized my oldest was unable to call; she dialed 1-9-9 in utter fear.”
‘I was rocking my crying baby in his bassinet, bubbling with rage. My hands going white from gripping the bassinet so hard. I shook it forcefully and I screamed, ‘What do you want?!”
“I loved my baby, so how could I be depressed? But I was. I was suffocating. I was literally gasping for air.”
‘Being on anxiety meds does not make me a failure. It means I am doing what I need to be the best I can for my kids, my family.’
“I am strong and I’m fighting anxiety daily. I am learning more about myself and my needs as a mom. I am brave. And I am not alone.”
How I manage my postpartum anxiety
“I had to find ways to keep the intense thoughts out of my head while caring for my son, along with keeping communication open with my husband.”
