“I could feel the nausea setting in. I could feel the walls closing in on me. I could feel Bobby fuming. I told him get me out of there. I was BORN to be her mom. She is here to prove everyone wrong.”
‘In the coldest bedside manner, he said, ‘It is extremely rare and there is no cure. IF she lives, she will stop mentally developing at 2 months old.’ I just stared at him, my body slowly over heating.’
‘The baby suddenly gagged and then violently vomited what seemed to be a weeks’ worth of breast milk. I held her up and she was lifeless. She was unresponsive.’
“I immediately told my oldest to dial 9-1-1. She was trembling. I was trying to figure out if the baby was breathing. I realized my oldest was unable to call; she dialed 1-9-9 in utter fear.”
‘I remember this guy said I had a ‘tight rig.’ I never ate much, I glorified my thinness. I was valued. I was funny, I felt pretty.’
“I met a guy, we fell in love and wanted babies. 3 kids, 2 vaginals, 1 cesarean, postpartum depression, antidepressant weight gain, and life later, this is my rig. I hated it. I would say it was broken. It’s not the person I valued anymore.”
‘When I lost my father at 18, you were there. You didn’t force me to talk about my emotions. You shared your father with me when I no longer had one.’
“As young parents I would call you crying because the task of being an adult was too overwhelming. I didn’t feel like enough of a wife or mother. You were kind to irrational postpartum me.”
‘I get it. I finally get it. You see moms committing suicide. And I couldn’t understand it. How do you leave your kids behind like that?’
“And then everybody posts, ‘Oh, I never knew. She didn’t say anything. She seemed okay.’ She TOLD you.”
‘I held my baby and cried. I’ve never felt so alone and helpless. But then, I felt a cold nose on my arm. He was looking up at me to say, ‘Don’t worry Mom, you’re not alone. You have me.’
“He is my Service dog, and my best friend. I needed a C-section. When the time, I gave him a wink and a short goodbye. ‘Can I see it?’ ‘It sure is a noisy little thing!’ ‘Let me see, let me see!’”
‘My father was murdered. When Sawyer was 7 months old, I had a dream. He told me he was proud of me. I decided my dad was telling me I needed to do something that made me happy.’
“When people find out, the first thing out of their mouths is ‘why?’ I typically give a throw-away answer like ‘because I’m crazy,’ but that’s not the full truth.”
‘My husband and I arrived at the hospital to await our baby’s arrival. I had no idea the very bed I was settling in would soon become my death bed.’
“I became frantic. Something terrible was happening. I told my husband to find help immediately. He needed to prepare himself that he may leave the hospital with a baby, but not his wife.”
‘As soon as we took our baby home, I didn’t feel right. I started having graphic thoughts – throwing or shaking him would cross my mind. I’d imagine myself smothering him with a pillow.’
“I was scared to care for him in fear of acting on one of these thoughts. But I also had a hard time letting go of him for even 10 minutes to give myself a break.”
‘Sometimes being a mother is enough to unite you. ‘You grew a human?’ ‘Yeah, did you?’ ‘Yeah! Let’s drink wine!’ But sometimes, just because we are moms, it doesn’t mean we HAVE to get along.’
“This is why I feel it is important, when choosing mom friends, there’s certain qualities I look for.”
