“I expected to be handed my baby like I was Beyoncé in a floral garden and the heavens open up. Instead, I felt like a potato cake seagulls were fighting over, one stitching me up, one folding my boob like a hamburger to stuff in my baby’s mouth, and one pressing so hard on my stomach I thought she was going to touch my spine. Yep, didn’t count on that.”
‘Motherhood is really tough.’ You’d think, ‘Well that’s crap.’ Birth was traumatic. As a child of sexual abuse, a traumatic birth can be very re-triggering. I didn’t count on that.’
‘I had jealousy and hatred for my husband. I imagined him enjoying his 40-minute commute, sipping his hot coffee at his desk, and having adult chats NOT about the color of poo.’
“You’re used to being a high-flying businesswoman, and now you’re sitting on the floor with a load of people who all seem to know the words to ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep!’ I was bloody mad!”
‘Guess what? It’s happened!’ I threw the pregnancy test to my 19-year-old boyfriend. ‘Are you sure you’re pregnant? You hide it so well.’ We had been trying for a baby for months.’
“While I was in labor, I had no support from my partner. At the time, I didn’t care. ‘This is the best day of my life,’ I whispered to my daughter. Then the arguing started. ‘Might as well be a single mom!,’ I said to him.”
‘Are you ok tonight?’ I was in the grocery store trying to pretend everything was OK, but it wasn’t. I was bawling my eyes out. ‘This isn’t a forever feeling.’ I’m so grateful to you.’
“I was afraid to leave my house without my husband. ‘I know this is hard for you,’ he would say. ‘Can you tell yourself that you’re safe?’ ‘No,’ I would respond. I reached out as a bit of a last-ditch effort, right there in the grocery store, tears running down my face. The response was incredible. Those women saved me.”
‘My dad began boarding up the windows for fear of people watching him. Spending nights in our attic filming neighbors. Insisting there was footage of a red laser being shined into his room.’
“My father was not a part of my life early on. He was successful businessman and wasn’t ready for a kid. But my mom was struggling, and he could give me what my mom couldn’t. Until he changed too.”
‘My child’s father was leaving me. I was a new mother to a 3-month-old baby girl. The only items I had were a bag of clothes and a computer. She didn’t deserve any of this.’
“I looked around, saw a bedroom with a blow-up mattress, a kitchen with hardly any food, and only a few baby items. I then looked at my daughter sleeping so sweetly. Something inside me broke; I told her it would be the last night I would EVER put her in these circumstances.”
‘I’d be driving to work and see the ‘perfect’ tree to ram my car into. I stared at the railing upstairs, picking out the spot to hang from. I knew this was not normal, but it was my new normal.’
“It was a dreary day. I was standing by the window with tears streaming down my face. The kids were whining in the background. The house was a complete disaster. I was trembling and my knuckles were white from gripping the chair. My marriage was crumbling before my eyes.”
‘I gave birth to my son while high on methamphetamine. I wish I could tell you I sobered up, but I did not. We were joined at the hip. We were both addicts, but wanted to be sober.’
“I was so afraid. I just knew CPS was going to take him, but a miracle happened. He was born completely clean. No drugs in his system. He was perfectly healthy. Neal and I cried and cried. We went home that following Monday and swore we would stay sober.”
‘Our daughter was referred to as a number, I still remember that number to this day. I dropped to my knees and cried and begged and pleaded.’
“I felt so guilty, why couldn’t my body handle being pregnant?”
‘I answered the phone. ‘Anne?’ No, this is her daughter.’ ‘Oh, I didn’t know she had a daughter.’ Did my mom not talk about me? Was I not good enough for her?’
“When she asked how far along I was, I told her, ‘just 3 weeks.’ She responded with, ‘Wow, you’re really on top of things.’ I felt like I loved Grace more? What was wrong with me? I didn’t tell anyone, not even my husband.”
