“I spent years trying to sabotage my marriage in hopes he’d leave me for someone skinny. Day after day, I’d tell myself how nasty, disgusting, fat I was. I had no idea my gorgeous daughter was listening. She started saying how fat she was. How ugly. I was HORRIFIED. I knew I needed to make a change.”
‘I can do this, right?’ I scanned the faces around me, absolutely mortified. ‘Of course. Just take your shirt off!’ Peopled waved, said hello. Where were the looks of disgust?!’ Mom embraces plus-size beach body to set example for daughter
‘I think I made a mistake. A mistake in having him at all,’ I texted. I wished to GOD I could go back to pre-child life. ‘You are not meant to be a mother,’ I told myself.’ Woman’s severe struggle with postpartum depression
“I vividly remember hearing my baby cry for the first time and feeling… nothing. ‘Mom he looks just like you!,’ the doctor said. I tried to squeeze out a tear because that’s what new moms do, right? I tried to feel happiness. It wasn’t there.”
‘We were forced into an abortion. ‘Don’t hold her too close. Your warmth and heartbeat will confuse her into staying alive.’ We were left alone with our baby as the staff waited for her die.’
“I was given 2 tablets. At 3:43 p.m., I delivered a baby girl. The image seared in my mind is of her little arm stretching into the air. She was alive. ALIVE. Surely, the nurse wasn’t going to let her die, right? But as our girl fought to stay alive, nobody on staff seemed to care.”
‘I got pregnant at 22 because I wanted someone to show me unconditional love. I remember seeing my baby for the first time and thinking, ‘Ugh.’
“I loved my son, but I would have harmful thoughts. ‘He is so small, what if I just suffocated him?’ I heard stories on the news of women killing their children and I would think, ‘Oh my gosh, is that going to be me?’”
‘GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!’ I pushed him toward my husband’s lap. I resented him. I felt out of body. Then, BOOM. We were home.’
“Then, everything shifted. ‘You don’t have CANCER, you can GET OVER IT’. My husband was like a deer in the headlights. The phone rings. What? How? I can’t do this AGAIN without them.”
‘I felt a POP down you know where. ‘No! This can’t be!’ Tears streaming, I peeked between my legs. ‘What do we do now?’ I wanted a ‘perfect’ pregnancy. I now know I was totally oblivious.’
“We hadn’t prepared for this scenario. ‘NO!’ I cried. ‘I don’t want a c-section! Please! I don’t want a c-section!’ Crazy-eyed, I waddled as gushes of warm liquid ran down my legs. I completely lost it!”
‘I gave birth to my sixth baby just six weeks ago. I have porn star-sized boobs as my milk finally came in. I’m wondering if I’ll ever look ‘normal down there’ ever again.’
“We all are so well prepared through pregnancy. Now, it feel like I’m giving birth all over again when I poop. I’m wearing mesh panties and bought more when I ran out of my hospital stash.”
‘The precious time I should’ve had with my newborn was stolen from me. My patience was tried, my marriage tested. I was at rock bottom with no way up. I needed to prove I was a good mom.’
“The village you need to raise a baby felt more like a ghost town. I had no clue what I was doing. There was endless crying, anxiety so severe I didn’t leave the house, stretch marks, flab, puffiness. I despised it all. All I could think was, ‘It has to be better than this.'”
‘My perfect baby girl was laying on my bare chest. I spoke lies to myself. ‘I’m fine.’ Everyone told me this was ‘part of being a new mom’ and ‘just a lack of sleep.’ This was not a phase.’
“Everything was so perfect. The possibility of anything being ‘wrong’ was just too much of a stretch. Stifling the tears, I clamped my eyelids shut. I had no idea that hours later I would be sitting on the floor, waiting to die.”
‘Mommy is sick and needs to go to the doctor.’ I begged them to admit me to a psych ward. ‘You don’t fit the criteria,’ I was told. It was a hard pill to swallow. So, I admitted myself.’
“I didn’t know what to expect. I thought, ‘Where am I sleeping? Should my kids come visit? Can I get fresh air?’ I remember feeling like a lab rat. The doors were locked and I needed to be buzzed in and out. One day when eating, I felt a presence. It was him.”
