“When my high school sweetheart and I decided to grow our family, we had no clue the battles we’d face. We’d had fairly smooth, straightforward lives up to this point. After my miscarriage of identical twins, I thought for sure we’d paid our dues.”
‘He’s a sick guy.’ The pediatric cardiologist affirmed with an almost flippancy. Like, you know, yeah he’s dying, but like, he’s sick. Of course he’s dying. He’s a sick guy.’
‘I know how you’re doing it,’ she whispered, then laughed and walked away. I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment. How could she know? I was 15 years old and had been caught.’
“I locked myself in the bathroom while my husband pounded on the door, begging me to let him in. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t believe what I was staring at. My heart pounded, and my mind raced. Was this real? Was it a faulty test? My baby was so tiny, but he or she was there, in my belly.”
‘I was 6 when I wore my first bathing suit in a beauty competition. I was 8 when my dance instructor told my mom I was too chubby. I was 15 when I became addicted to diet pills.’
“After being sexually assaulted as a toddler, my trust was shaken. After becoming a mother, I’ve gained 75 pounds. You’d think that existing in a larger body – something I feared my entire life – would lead me further down the self-loathing spiral. But something miraculous has happened.”
‘I found out I was pregnant. My ex-boyfriend refused to believe the baby was his. We tried to come to a resolution, but within a month, he was found dead in his bed.’
“I had my first serious boyfriend. He was older. That is the night my destiny changed. I became very ill the next week. I had a severe fever, so physically exhausted I couldn’t even get out of bed.”
‘When I learned I was having twins, I cried. ‘But I already have a baby!’ were the first words out of my mouth as the ultrasound tech told me there was not ONE, but TWO embryos in there.’
“I felt at my breaking point. ‘JUST SLEEP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!’ Slamming doors and screaming, I was having a temper tantrum of my own.”
‘In the coldest bedside manner, he said, ‘It is extremely rare and there is no cure. IF she lives, she will stop mentally developing at 2 months old.’ I just stared at him, my body slowly over heating.’
“I could feel the nausea setting in. I could feel the walls closing in on me. I could feel Bobby fuming. I told him get me out of there. I was BORN to be her mom. She is here to prove everyone wrong.”
‘The baby suddenly gagged and then violently vomited what seemed to be a weeks’ worth of breast milk. I held her up and she was lifeless. She was unresponsive.’
“I immediately told my oldest to dial 9-1-1. She was trembling. I was trying to figure out if the baby was breathing. I realized my oldest was unable to call; she dialed 1-9-9 in utter fear.”
‘I get it. I finally get it. You see moms committing suicide. And I couldn’t understand it. How do you leave your kids behind like that?’
“And then everybody posts, ‘Oh, I never knew. She didn’t say anything. She seemed okay.’ She TOLD you.”
‘My father was murdered. When Sawyer was 7 months old, I had a dream. He told me he was proud of me. I decided my dad was telling me I needed to do something that made me happy.’
“When people find out, the first thing out of their mouths is ‘why?’ I typically give a throw-away answer like ‘because I’m crazy,’ but that’s not the full truth.”
‘My husband and I arrived at the hospital to await our baby’s arrival. I had no idea the very bed I was settling in would soon become my death bed.’
“I became frantic. Something terrible was happening. I told my husband to find help immediately. He needed to prepare himself that he may leave the hospital with a baby, but not his wife.”
