“Mike couldn’t speak. In fact, the doctor looked at him after we covered all the basics and said, ‘Dad, are you OK? You haven’t said anything.’”
‘You guys did great. You did great 3 times,’ our doctor said as she laid out our sonogram with three little sacs. My mind was racing. Shock and fear set in.’
‘When she moved or kicked, the pain brought me to my knees. Maybe I had a stomach bug. Little did I know this was going to be the most terrifying day of my life.’
“I was strapped down so I couldn’t move. ‘What if I feel him cut into me?’ My husband sat at my head and wiped away the tears that ran down my face.”
‘My worst nightmare was happening. I laid on the OR table gasping for air. ‘Help me! I can’t breathe!’ I stared into my mother’s eyes. I could see the fear written all over her face.’
“A huge splash of fluid hit the curtain in my face. All I could think was, ‘I’m going to die right here. I was born on this day, and I’m going to die on this day giving birth.'”
‘I finally blurted out through tears, ‘If my organs are starting to fail, why aren’t we doing an emergency C-section?’ I was scared. What was happening?’
“‘Oh honey,’ the doctor replied, ‘you’re just being hormonal. Every woman goes through a part of her labor where she doesn’t think she can do it.’ I was shocked. I wanted some damn answers.”
‘The doctor came in and said, ‘I’m sorry.’ My husband and I were too in shock to say, ‘Why didn’t you call us?!’’
“I kept thinking to myself, ‘Is my child alive? Why can’t someone just tell me what’s going on?’”
‘I heard this noise – a crackling noise coming from my lungs. The moment I realized my lungs sounded like Rice Krispies, my monitor started blaring. I was drowning in my own fluid. Literally.’
“My mother-in-law told my husband, ‘You get back there and get some answers or you are going to have a dead wife.’ She was right.”
‘My husband and I arrived at the hospital to await our baby’s arrival. I had no idea the very bed I was settling in would soon become my death bed.’
“I became frantic. Something terrible was happening. I told my husband to find help immediately. He needed to prepare himself that he may leave the hospital with a baby, but not his wife.”
‘As soon as we took our baby home, I didn’t feel right. I started having graphic thoughts – throwing or shaking him would cross my mind. I’d imagine myself smothering him with a pillow.’
“I was scared to care for him in fear of acting on one of these thoughts. But I also had a hard time letting go of him for even 10 minutes to give myself a break.”
‘It’s okay Molz, you got this!’ My DAD was in the delivery room when I birthed my first child. I looked up from the bed horrified he was actually watching this whole thing.
“He could have snuck out. But he chose to stay. And I chose to let him. The power of those decisions would not be fully understood until 3 years later.”
‘The purple blanket isn’t yours. Even though it covered your car seat when you left the hospital. Even though you sleep with it every night. It’s not yours.’
“The preeclampsia had its way. She came early, and she came silently. The purple blanket never touched her fragile skin.”
