“I saw nurses running back and forth. My parents waited for the helicopter to land. ‘They have to do surgery right now or she’ll die.’ My husband pulled over, went behind a building, and cried. ‘How am I going to raise 4 kids alone?!’ My oldest son was too scared to touch me. ‘I’m scared I’m going to hurt you, mama.’”
‘I blacked out and collapsed. ‘We’re taking your baby,’ I heard someone say. I woke up not knowing where I was. I tried to tell them I was in pain, but couldn’t talk.’
‘The anesthetist put a mask over my face. ‘Please help me, I’m going to die.’ She replied, ‘You‘re not going to die.’ I thought about the family I was leaving behind, and then it went dark.’
“Mom kept saying to me, ‘You’re in labor.’ I kept replying, ‘No I’m not.’ Ethan and I just kept repeating, ‘IMAGINE, imagine if this is it!’ We were so excited, and so naive of what was to come. I put my chin to my chest and pushed as hard as my body could handle.”
‘I whispered to myself, ‘It’s going to be okay.’ The silence in the room was deafening. I held my breath as the wand slid over my stomach.’
“To the woman who wondered if sharing a photo of a dead baby was necessary on my feed. Yes. That baby, the one you ‘didn’t have time to look away from,’ is my daughter. Her name is Dorothy, and I wish I could see her face right now.”
‘She couldn’t stop looking over to where her brother would have been, had he survived. I couldn’t help but feel he was lying there, letting her know he was present, and will always be with her.’
“‘You’re having a boy AND a girl!’ I thought to myself, ‘One of each. How perfect!’ When I arrived and saw what she had set up, I lost it. I knew I had to honor James somehow. She smiled countless times in his direction.”
‘Is it weird having one white twin and one black twin?’ They are POLAR OPPOSITES! She is fair-skinned with bright blue eyes. He is dark skinned with brown eyes and black hair.’
“Nurses didn’t know how to approach me. I got statements like, ‘I’ve been a nurse 23 years and have never worked with twins like them.’ People are shocked. When we’re out in public I get questions. ‘Are they adopted?’ ‘Are they twins?’ ‘Do they have the same father?’ It’s amazing.”
‘Do you have a will?,’ my nurse asked. ‘No,’ I replied. ‘You need to get your affairs in order for your daughter, if anything should happen to you.’ What did this mean? I had failed her.’
“After writing out a will, I was wheeled off to the operating room. All I remember is waking up in a glass box with the curtains wide-opened. It was so eerie. I could hardly find my voice and was unable to move my body.”
‘I walked into the NICU. Her nurse said, ‘Hey momma, I was just about to call you.’ I knew that wasn’t good. My heart started pounding. I could feel it in my ears as I choked back tears.’
“‘Am I allowed to kiss her?,’ I asked the nurse through tears. I didn’t want to leave. I cried even harder as they wheeled me out. I was frantic inside.”
‘Yes of course, bring our boy home,’ I blurted out quickly. I started to panic. ‘Now is there one baby or two babies?’ He moved the probe and we saw it. ‘You’re pregnant, with twins.’
“My phone began to ring. My eyes rolled. I was still very bitter. ‘Hi Mrs. Amanda.’ Wait what? Is this for real? I looked down at my belly – I had two babies in my tummy who needed me, and now this? Really?”
‘The lady tells us she will be right back. I didn’t think anything of it, but my husband looks at me. ‘There’s something wrong.’ I will never forget the look in his eyes.’
“She starts to scan his face and tells us he has an abnormality. My emotions got the best of me. Before the doctor punctured my belly, my husband looked to me and said, ‘Do you wanna know?’ I couldn’t even speak.”
‘That baby in the photo, the one you can’t see. The one who’s all snuggled up inside her mama. She did not survive.’
“I had been in the hospital for a week being monitored. I was in the safest place that I could be and under constant supervision. And then, it happened.”