“The unthinkable happened. Abigail’s mother no longer wanted to be around me. I was a reminder of our trauma. All together, we lost 3 children in this pregnancy. Who am I to tell her how she should feel?”
‘Are you at work? Can you call me?’ I’m thinking, ‘Today is the day I get to meet Abigail!’ Now I’m over-excited! I call, her tone is bleak, then she begins to cry. ‘Abigail didn’t make it.’
‘I’m not attached to my baby. There, I said it.’
“It’s a harsh reality to admit, and I’m sure I’ll get a few gasps. But it’s the honest truth. And I know I’m not alone. I shrug off compliments from strangers about my pregnancy. This is my coping mechanism.”
‘During a regular, boring trip to the grocery store at 26-weeks pregnant, I went into labor. We rushed to the hospital. The NICU doctor had to ‘speak with us.’ My heart broke all over again.’
“At first, my little ‘hobby’ was an outlet – a very private and personal one. We had recently endured the sudden loss of our son. It was noticed by friends – and friends of friends. I quickly realized there were so many mamas that understood.”
‘I thought you would like to meet your children,’ the nurse said with a smile. She handed me a stack of pictures, my first glimpse of my tiny premature babies.’
“I met my son for the first time, thanks to this picture. A picture that was taken by our nurse. She walked in, making the trek from a different building and several floors away. She knew I was too weak to visit the NICU, and hoped seeing my children would help me heal.”
‘In a sleepy daze, I vividly remember hearing them say, ‘We’re done, it worked. There’s one heartbeat and here’s the other. Jade, you did it!’ They are our Warrior Princesses.’
“The doctor said, ‘Twins!’ I was told, ‘This is going to be a very high-risk pregnancy.’ We were presented with two options. I was informed, ‘This could take the lives of your girls.'”
Boy grows hair to donate to kids in need: ‘What are you doing in the boy’s bathroom? You look like a GIRL!’ One parent asked, ‘Is that a boy? That is such irresponsible parenting!’ His hair was long and angelic. I never understood.’
“No matter what he wore, he was mistaken as a girl by strangers. Even in his Spider Man costume, someone said, ‘Oh she’s so cute!’ I got used to correcting people. One day, I was called into the principal’s office.”
‘She couldn’t stop looking over to where her brother would have been, had he survived. I couldn’t help but feel he was lying there, letting her know he was present, and will always be with her.’
“‘You’re having a boy AND a girl!’ I thought to myself, ‘One of each. How perfect!’ When I arrived and saw what she had set up, I lost it. I knew I had to honor James somehow. She smiled countless times in his direction.”
‘I remember thinking, ‘Why is this happening, why me?’ I remember just lying on the couch after and bawling my eyes out. There were still so many unknown questions.’
“I said to the nurse, trying to get the words out, ‘Is she going to make it?’ The nurse told me, ‘Never give up hope and faith.’ All I could do was pray and say to myself, ‘I need to hear her cry. I need to hear her cry!'”
‘I understand my options.’ I felt Malachi twist inside my belly. From that point on, I knew. ‘Tell them we sent you.’ My mind raced. My palms were sweating. ‘It’s time,’ I wrote. ‘I’m checking in now.’
“Through tears, I asked: ‘Will I ever hear his little voice again?’ But, what can you do when your baby can’t breathe? We knew it was the right decision. Something had to be done for him. ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Let’s do it.’”
‘Is it weird having one white twin and one black twin?’ They are POLAR OPPOSITES! She is fair-skinned with bright blue eyes. He is dark skinned with brown eyes and black hair.’
“Nurses didn’t know how to approach me. I got statements like, ‘I’ve been a nurse 23 years and have never worked with twins like them.’ People are shocked. When we’re out in public I get questions. ‘Are they adopted?’ ‘Are they twins?’ ‘Do they have the same father?’ It’s amazing.”
