“They had no clue what was going on with his skin. They thought maybe I had passed on an infection. Our nurse crouched down next to me. ‘This is going to get better. We will get through this.'”
‘He was blue, and his skin was covered with deep purple spots. He wasn’t crying. The whole room was especially quiet.’
‘I walked into the NICU. Her nurse said, ‘Hey momma, I was just about to call you.’ I knew that wasn’t good. My heart started pounding. I could feel it in my ears as I choked back tears.’
“‘Am I allowed to kiss her?,’ I asked the nurse through tears. I didn’t want to leave. I cried even harder as they wheeled me out. I was frantic inside.”
‘The billing department doesn’t care if your baby died. The medical companies don’t care if you’re on unpaid leave because your child is a long-term patient. You still have to pay.’
“It keeps me lying awake at night, tears and stress making my heart race. I’m drowning in medical debt. And I know I’m not alone.”
‘What is wrong? Is something wrong?’ He didn’t answer me. ‘Chad, seriously, tell me what’s wrong.’ He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and leaned in.’
“He shot back with a look on his face I had never seen before. Fear, maybe. Shock. Panic. Oh God, what was it? The blood left his face. He was pale. Almost confused.”
‘My eyes darted back and forth as I tried to make sense of where I was. As the fog lifted inside my head, I vaguely remembered bits and pieces of the day before, events that changed my life.’
“While I lay on the operating table, my husband sat in the waiting room, wondering if he would lose all three children and his wife in one day. As he overheard the doctors, one word stood out.”
‘I will never have a baby because I can’t stay sober. I revealed my addiction to her. Her face lit up. Why did she want to pray for me when she was the one dying?’
“I got married in the hospital chapel with our closest friends and family. Little CJ got to come out of the NICU to be the tiniest ring bearer in history. His nurses brought him in a little wagon with all his tubes and machines in his preemie tux.”
‘I mentioned how different my hair felt. Her eyes widened as she touched my head. My thick blonde locks were noticeably thinner.’
“That day at the hair salon was pivotal. As I sat with foils covering my head, I knew I had to make some changes. For so many years I had put others before me, it was time to take control of my life.”
‘There’s a Christmas tree. There’s a gingerbread man.’ But it’s what she said next that took my breath away. ‘And there’s Parker,’ my daughter recited.’
“As I looked at the plate of cookies, sure enough, there was a cookie angel I had decorated. I smiled at my daughter as my eyes welled up with tears.”
‘I lay in bed with wires and IV’s attached to me. A nurse walked in, armed with a breast pump. ‘You need to start pumping,’ she said. Excuse me?’
“A confused expression took over my face. I was barely alive.”
‘I whispered to Santa, ‘He is blind and autistic and is very interested in Santa.’ He said, ‘Say no more,’ and immediately got down on the floor to greet my little man.’
“He asked Matthew if he wanted to feel anything and Matthew said, ‘Your eyes that twinkle.’ My heart was so full.”
