“My baby didn’t look like my baby. You know that feeling where you’re so shocked you could cry, but nothing comes out? That’s where I was. I was stuck between wanting to crumble to the ground in disbelief, and wanting to smile because my baby made it.”
‘I have to take him and run!’ We were worried, but he was perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes, a head full of black hair. I thought, ‘There’s no way. She’s crazy.’
‘His little voice begged me to wake up. ‘Don’t die, mommy. Don’t die, mommy.’ His hug, his kiss and his tenderness, lying next to me for hours as I sobbed.’
“Another fight left me to sleep in the guest room. My middle child, my baby boy, crawled into bed with me as my head throbbed and I couldn’t’ stop the room from spinning. Again. My loudest rock bottom came like a whisper – It was his touch.”
‘Hours began to pass, and still no Andy. I decided to call him. No answer. The calls started going directly to voicemail. Anxiety started to go in overdrive. Then, I saw it.’
“I was pregnant with our third child, and my hormones had gotten the best of me. I grabbed my phone and called 9-1-1. I started screaming his name, ‘ANDY, ANDY, ANDY,’ as I frantically looked on the shore line that was covered in trees. I hear the sirens roaring, coming in my direction.”
‘The doctor told us how rare the condition is, but he was even rarer. I gently held his tiny fingers and spoke softly to him, reassuring him he was alright and we were there with him.’
“He was seated behind his desk and immediately I noticed his uncomfortable body language. Nothing can prepare a mother for that. I understood the seriousness of everything, yet I was so excited and eager to meet my baby.”
‘I didn’t realize how much I would miss my dad’s handwriting. I didn’t know handwriting could be part of the grieving process. Mourning handwriting? But I did. I still do.’
“I watched him sketch out that second attempt and smile at it. He looked up and said, ‘How’s this one? I think this one is better, don’t you think?’ Maybe he was imagining it actually being tattooed on me and how that would feel, after he was gone.”
‘I know how you’re doing it,’ she whispered, then laughed and walked away. I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment. How could she know? I was 15 years old and had been caught.’
“I locked myself in the bathroom while my husband pounded on the door, begging me to let him in. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t believe what I was staring at. My heart pounded, and my mind raced. Was this real? Was it a faulty test? My baby was so tiny, but he or she was there, in my belly.”
‘You need to get to the hospital as soon as you can.’ I didn’t even have time to ask what was wrong. ‘Is my daughter going to live?’ The nurse on the other end of the line paused. ‘We don’t know.’
“The technician asked me, ‘Do you feel that?’ I asked, ‘feel what?’ She said, ‘You’re having a contraction!’ I asked if I could see her face on the monitor. ‘I can’t show you because she’s in the birth canal!'”
‘Ewww put that away. I’ll never get stretchmarks like that when I’m pregnant.’ It was such a personal attack – feelings of shame and disgust had me cringing at my husband’s touch.’
“I was left curled up on the couch in the fetal position. I remember grabbing my thighs and crying to my husband, ‘How am I so big already? How could I possibly get any bigger?’ My 3-year-old son asked, ‘Mama, what’s wrong with your belly?’”
‘I was about a mile away from my parents’ house when I saw a pair of headlights coming at me in my lane. I was so scared it was going to burst into flames. I sat in front of the car screaming.’
“I brushed it off and thought, ‘Oh there’s no way I’m pregnant.’ I went to Tennessee for a week for my birthday. I had my cousin buy me a bottle of Jager and I couldn’t even drink, it made me so sick. When I got home, I took another test. Sure, enough I was pregnant.”
‘He was just gone. I came home one night to the apartment my boyfriend and I shared to find everything was missing. He terminated our lease and emptied our joint bank account.’
“Just a few weeks later, I woke up one morning feeling ‘different.’ I really can’t explain it, because it didn’t make any sense. But something in me, knew. I sat shaking with a pregnancy test in my hands. My body was barely functioning. But against all odds, two pink lines appeared.”
