“I felt a gush between my legs. My heart shattered, but I was determined to keep going. I peed on a stick. The faintest line showed up. My heart was beating so fast.”
‘Here we go again.’ Something didn’t look right. I’d seen the screen countless times, but this time, it was different!’: Couple welcomes rainbow twins after 7-year infertility battle
‘The first time I heard ‘rainbow baby,’ I was pissed. This storm doesn’t end.’: Mom details acceptance of term ‘rainbow baby’
“I thought it was one more way to say, ‘I know your baby died, but look, you get a NEW one!’ I could not handle anything that conveyed a replacement. This storm doesn’t end, there can’t be a rainbow.”
‘We cancelled our baby shower. I went from Googling dangly monkey earrings to ‘28-week baby premature survival rates.’: Woman expecting her rainbow baby says ‘I will continue to stay home and fight to be a helper’
“But then, people I love dearly got laid off. But then, I found myself on the phone with older family members I naively thought would live forever, suddenly wondering ‘what if.’ But then, people started to die. In what felt like a matter of minutes, it became more clearly into focus what was really at stake.”
‘We found a hole.’ His heart was beating. What did we miss?! I wasn’t a special needs mom. I didn’t have the qualifications for that.’: After 7 kids, 3 miscarriages, mom births baby with Down syndrome, ‘he is our extra special little man’
“‘His heart could be repaired,’ I thought. We could get past that, carry on. And then the doctor said, ‘This is very common with Down syndrome.’ That I didn’t want to hear. Surgery wasn’t going to fix that. I put it out of my mind. Our baby wasn’t going to have Down syndrome! Then the doctor said, ‘You have the option to terminate.’”
‘To get 2 children, I gave up 2. Creating a baby lost all allure. I was on a mission, detached from the actual act. Every app told me when to breathe, when to baby make. I couldn’t feel joy. It was all fear.’
“I found some elaborate way to share the news with my husband. The handcrafted note around our dog’s neck read, ‘Surprise! You’re going to be a father!’ Then a few weeks later, surprise you’re not. By the 3rd pregnancy, there was no special announcement. I didn’t buy a single item, not even a bib. How could I?”
‘Everyone poops during labor,’ she warned. It was my first time. I couldn’t stop asking questions. ‘Is it normal my water hasn’t broken yet?’ ‘Should I push? When do I push?’
“My questions didn’t stop there. ‘Is the baby okay?’ He was covered in white slime. ‘Should he be that color?’ I felt so completely unprepared. These women never looked at me and said, ‘That isn’t my job.’ That is a hero.”
‘It was midnight and everyone was asleep. I texted my friend, ‘Come quick! I need you. Lots of blood.’ I prayed she’d wake to the sound of her phone.’
“On a whim, I decided to download a dating app. I came across a man who was in the Army. I knew he was ‘the one’ the moment I saw his photo. At first sight, I was in love. Something I had never felt before.”
‘I had one job: protect my children. The next day he was gone and there was no way to get him back. I felt myself slipping away from reality.’
“On my son’s birthday, I laid on the floor, belly-down, with my hands on my chest to force myself not to hyperventilate. Minutes later, I rejoined the party with a smile on my face. ‘I am fine,’ I told myself.”
‘He introduced me to his parents as ‘the woman he wants to marry.’ Our marriage shocked them. When I held our baby girl in my arms, skin to skin, everything was perfect. Until it wasn’t.’
“He wanted to bid on me but didn’t have enough money at the time. He couldn’t go home with regret. He walked over to me.”
After two miscarriages, photographer finds passion creating rainbow baby photos: ‘I have experienced loss too’
“My promise has always been that I will never repeat an image.”
