“I’m now a successful and contributing member of society, with a picture-perfect life. However, looks can be deceiving – because I had a secret.”
‘I realized my worst nightmare had come true. I was truly alone, ‘white-knuckling’ it. I did a 180 and completely turned my life around. Or, so I thought.’
‘Kalen I am done.’ We both were bartenders. I was a single mom, and this amazing guy was just waiting to get his next high. He did not even weigh 110 pounds and had very sad eyes.’
“I met this amazing guy. He always had headphones in, came in late every day and refused to speak to me. Being the high-strung, outspoken girl I am, I knew I would change that. Little did I know what I was up against.”
‘I was paranoid, always looking out the window to see who was watching. It was an endless, ugly cycle. If I couldn’t beat this and see my kids again, I’d kill myself.’
“I’d be sitting with people, having a nice, quiet drink with them, and in my head I’d be assassinating them – just in my mind. They thought I was a nice guy and I’d have this crazy thinking. It’s mad. I was locked up inside my own head all the time.”
‘Walk faster!’ he shouted at me. No more grandma to shield me from bullies. I’d wake up with saliva foaming from my mouth. When I got the results, my fear became a reality.’
“I never received chocolates or flowers from admirers. I didn’t get a date to our senior prom. I went instead with a friendly gay classmate. We were the outcasts. I cried on the way home.”
‘I bumped into an old childhood friend. ‘What have you been up to?’ ‘I’m in rehab.’ I laughed, thinking it was a joke. Soon after, I asked him to meet me. I warned him about my appearance.’
“‘I don’t look the same as when you last saw me. I’m not doing too well,’ I said. My face was a mess. I had cuts and blood in my nostrils. In that coffee shop, I sat across from him crying. I was scared of telling anyone.”
‘Everything went dark, and when I came to, I had no idea if I had been out for 5 minutes or 5 hours. There was no one left to call, and no one was coming.’
“I started drinking at what felt like a normal age – 12 or 13 years old. I was in 7th grade. I had no idea pretty, little girls from affluent East Coast towns could wind up alcoholic.”
‘I’d flip the TV off, say goodnight to my parents, head to the bathroom, grab my sunglasses case, opening it up to my spoon, baggies, and needle. Into my veins the heroin would go.’
“‘I can do this, and I will,’ I thought, ‘just not today.’ I was now using in secret. All day, every day.”
‘He wanted to go get meth, so we did. I’d been clean about a month. I took a pregnancy test, and there was a tiny faint line.’
“I was so excited listening to his heartbeat that drugs didn’t cross my mind. I was terrified after he came I’d get bad off again, but there was no way I was going to let someone else raise my baby.”
‘From the very beginning I knew something wasn’t right with me. I never got married and never had children. I kept using drugs to forget the pain I felt in my soul.’
“It was always someone else’s fault. My father was a drug addict and died of AIDS on my 20th birthday as a result of his heroin addiction, so I blamed him. I was never willing to take responsibility for myself and my decisions.”
‘Dear Dad, that was shocking what you did. Please can you get help? I’m sorry drugs did that to you, but never do it again. I really miss the old you.’
“I remember sitting in that jail cell crying my eyes out, thinking my daughter, who was 9 at the time, would be in her 20’s before I saw her again. That was my true rock bottom. I can’t even begin to describe to you the utter defeat and sadness I felt that day.”
