sadness

‘He should get his affairs in order.’ My heart stopped. WHAT? I immediately broke down. My biggest fear and worst nightmare had come true. ‘I don’t want to put you all through this,’ he said.’

“I was at home when I got a call from my husband. He was at the hospital, and then he said the 4 words I never expected to hear. ‘Okay, what now? What do we do?’ I was furiously texting my mother-in-law, ‘It’s not good.’ I just wanted it to stop. I couldn’t believe what was happening.”

‘My kids were unplanned and accidental. I never wanted to be a mom. I don’t enjoy playing with my kids. I don’t like being touched or needed.’

“Every single day, I feel resentment, sadness, frustration. I reminisce about my lost freedom. The days I would wake up with energy, pull out my to-do list, and get everything done. The days when I could hop in the car and run a quick errand, take a nap, or shower whenever I wanted. The days I could set BIG goals and actually attain them.”

‘I threw my baby in a dumpster. No goodbyes, no tears.’

“My hands shook as I grabbed a Dixie cup and gently scooped this little piece of flesh, my heart, my blood, from its watery grave. A moment later, I left the bathroom. My little burden wrapped in paper towels, and put it in my purse.”

‘I pick up a pink sock from under the couch. Suddenly I sink to my knees. I try to smell her on the sock, hold it to my heart and scream, ‘COME BACK TO ME! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE!’

“I find myself softly chanting ‘daughter, daughter, daughter.’ I lose count as I hold that sock and rock it. Minutes pass, I don’t know how many. I finally pick myself up off the floor and I put her sock in her bedroom. I shut the door, stand there for a moment, my hand still clutching the doorknob as tears stream down my face.”

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