“I had already popped a bunch of pills and drank a bunch of Vodka. ‘I want to see him!’ I screamed, shaking profusely. My mom said, ‘No, you don’t. He shot and killed himself with a 12-gauge shotgun in his mouth.’ I look at my phone. It reads, ‘I love you.’ 6:24 pm.”
‘My phone rings. ‘I don’t have time for this. I need to get my kids.’ Then my mouth dropped. We were greeted by 2 officers as we drove down the long gravel driveway.’
‘Since my divorce, I’ve seen a plastic surgeon every month. Not for Botox. I had to face what I’d done with every shower, every decision to wear short sleeves or a bathing suit.’
“I had surprised my family with it. My husband told me he loved what I’d done to myself, but what he didn’t tell me was that he was having an affair. I often wonder what he must’ve felt when he saw his name on my wrist and knew he was lying.”
‘At 19, I got pregnant and relapsed. My son wasn’t enough to stop me. I continued to use behind his back. I went back to hiding it, and was caught by my son’s father.’
“My friend introduced me to a better way to get high: injecting. He left when I got pregnant. I looked at myself in the mirror. ‘What are you doing? You are worth so much more.’ I wanted my kids to have love, but first, I had to find it myself.”
‘I was in front of my mirror at age 13. ‘This is not your fault. I love you so much and I am still your daughter. I am sorry.’ I didn’t want my parents to blame themselves for how messed up I was inside.’
“After one day of exercise I walked into my bathroom and began removing my sports bra. I collapsed to the ground with debilitating chest pains. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t yell for help. I thought I was dying when I had finally found reason to live.”
‘Guess what? It’s happened!’ I threw the pregnancy test to my 19-year-old boyfriend. ‘Are you sure you’re pregnant? You hide it so well.’ We had been trying for a baby for months.’
“While I was in labor, I had no support from my partner. At the time, I didn’t care. ‘This is the best day of my life,’ I whispered to my daughter. Then the arguing started. ‘Might as well be a single mom!,’ I said to him.”
‘If you EVER speak out, I know where the bullets are.’ I walked in the snow for miles in short sleeves. I woke up in the hospital, angry I survived, and pulled out all the hospital tubes.’
“I looked up from my bed and saw my mother and sister at the door. The look in their eyes is something I never want to see again. I feared that I had to be cured. I wish I had seen the warning signs.’
‘You don’t understand, they will never help your family.’ I was blown away. He was getting worse by the day. ‘I’ve never had an experience like this before,’ the crisis worker apologized.’
“On my way home I received the phone call. It was totally incoherent from all the screaming. I desperately tried to find out what was happening. It was my daughter. ‘It’s Josh,’ I finally heard through the screams.”
‘I was pregnant with a little boy and a little girl after a decade of trauma. I limped out of his house and drove home over 100 miles away with $20 in my pocket.’
“A handsome former-classmate wrote me on Facebook: ‘I had a dream about you.’ I was thirty four weeks pregnant when my water spontaneously broke and suddenly the pain and trauma resurfaced. Were my babies okay?”
‘It started innocent. I figured I’d skip a few meals, run more. I never imagined the horrible, disgusting things I’d do to myself. I had only wanted to lose 15 pounds.’
“At first, it was run-of-the-mill diet talk. ‘Cut carbs! No dairy!’ Then I saw picture upon picture of skin-and-bone bodies. I was repulsed and intrigued. Soon enough, I started feeling guilty if I wasn’t cutting out meals. I spent hours a day fantasizing about food. I’d cry in the mirror as I plugged calories into my food journal.”
‘I remember being told, ‘You’re lucky I’m with you, because you’re really fat.’ I was always just the smart girl with a pretty face, I was never the total package.’
“I used to get called a ‘pig’ on the bus. I was pulled out of school for 8 weeks. Rumors started. Everyone thought I was crazy. I heard a group of girls talking about how I should have never come back.”
