“There were no warning signs. No grooming. I remember wanting to scream, but not feeling like I could talk, so I made a mumbling noise. I didn’t want my body. I wanted to take it off like a jacket, but I couldn’t. I woke up the next morning with a huge bump on my head, my underwear backwards. I never wanted to be the girl who was raped.”
‘I’ll never forget his words. ‘Shut up. Just let me finish.’ I lay there, weak, my best friend’s hand over my mouth.’ After years of denial, sexual abuse survivor accepts it wasn’t her fault
‘One drink, I had one drink and after that, I remember nothing. My virginity was taken before I was ready.’ Woman’s powerful story overcoming boyfriend’s sexual assault
“The next day I woke up and we went to get breakfast. While we were driving he says, ‘I can’t believe that happened last night.’ ‘What happened?’ He said, ‘You don’t remember? ‘ I said, ‘What are you talking about?’ He got mad because I didn’t remember our ‘first time.’”
‘I received a note from my brother. ‘Have you ever wanted to see a naked man?’ I was disgusted and appalled. ‘No! Why would you ask that?!’ He my best friend. Until he shattered that trust.’
“From the outside, I grew up in a great family. But there were dark secrets. My world fell apart at 13. I rustled awake, and my brother ran out of my room. Minutes later, he poked his head in. ‘Are you okay?’ I remember sitting at supper with him feeling so disgusted.”
‘He left me in the woods alone and stole my phone. I woke up cold, scared. I became the talk of the school. Weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.’
“No one came to see me at the hospital. It took my ‘friends’ a year and half to even notice I was gone. Until one day I was caught at the school by the gym teacher in the girl’s bathroom. ‘You should’ve just killed yourself a faster way and got it over with.’ Soon after, I met a man.”
‘I was an intern. He was the manager. I was in his home with his wife and kids. He knew what he did was wrong, but that he could get away with it. That same year, the unthinkable happened.’
“I didn’t know what to say or do. I was frozen. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t concentrate. My mind pretended like it never happened. I felt like I couldn’t ‘risk my career’ by speaking up, so I remained silent. I kept thinking to myself, ‘Just graduate and get a job.’”
‘My parents weren’t home. My brothers and I were playing hide and seek. He found me instead. With my eyes closed, I tried not to move. I hoped it would be over fast so I could go back to playing.’
“My mom stormed into my room. ‘Is this true?’ Her face was red. Confused, I looked her in the eyes and lied. I really wanted her to know. For her to hug me and tell me it was okay. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized it wasn’t normal.”
‘When I was 15, I was sent to a private boarding facility in the backwoods. I snuck out was roaming during the night. I was suddenly taken into a building far in the woods, the doors locking behind me.’
“For the next 2 years, I was ‘locked up’ with wire fences, an open bay dorm of girls in dresses. I was to say yes ma’am and no sir. Everything was taken from me. Our letters were censored. Girls who would cry would be forced to sit in a baby stool with a pacifier.”
‘Just be a good boy and relax,’ he said. He was my teacher. Other men watched. Next was a priest and a trio of monks. I was 11 and my parents didn’t know.’
“I put on my backpack, left school, and walked across the street. I was surprised to be greeted by two smiling men who didn’t offer me a Coke, but real alcohol. I was flattered to be included in such grown-up activity. All three of us got into the car. I was naïve to their motives.”
‘If you EVER speak out, I know where the bullets are.’ I walked in the snow for miles in short sleeves. I woke up in the hospital, angry I survived, and pulled out all the hospital tubes.’
“I looked up from my bed and saw my mother and sister at the door. The look in their eyes is something I never want to see again. I feared that I had to be cured. I wish I had seen the warning signs.’
‘I felt cold hands. He was a pastor. I laid there, stiff and mute, pretending to be asleep. ‘Get used to this. Your mom agrees it’s okay. It’s in the Bible.’
“‘I’ve gotten a vasectomy. That means you can’t get pregnant. You don’t need to worry about anything.’ He slipped 20 dollars in my pocket. ‘You’ve done good,’ he said. ‘We’re sending you back to your biological family.’ I was confused and afraid.”
