“I’m now a successful and contributing member of society, with a picture-perfect life. However, looks can be deceiving – because I had a secret.”
‘I realized my worst nightmare had come true. I was truly alone, ‘white-knuckling’ it. I did a 180 and completely turned my life around. Or, so I thought.’
‘Calm down, it’s not like you’re gonna see the guy you robbed.’ Well guess what. I walked up to the church, and guess whose face I saw? The man I had just robbed. He was the greeter.’
“I couldn’t get out. I was terrified. I walked up to him with tears in my eyes, and he gave me a hug. ‘You are in the right place,’ he told me. ‘When I was your age, I was doing the same thing.’ I had no idea he was in recovery. That I was the first time I believed there was hope for me.”
‘Kalen I am done.’ We both were bartenders. I was a single mom, and this amazing guy was just waiting to get his next high. He did not even weigh 110 pounds and had very sad eyes.’
“I met this amazing guy. He always had headphones in, came in late every day and refused to speak to me. Being the high-strung, outspoken girl I am, I knew I would change that. Little did I know what I was up against.”
‘Get in the car,’ my mom forcefully tells me. My mind is racing. Turning me into jail? Where are we going? The drive feels like an eternity.’ She parks. ‘Do you see this place?,’ she chokes out.’
“I had an urge. I was terrified. I went to the only place I knew I was safe. She was asleep. I stood by her crib and stared at the greatest gift I had ever been given, my beautiful baby girl. As I looked at her, tears flooded out of me. That night, she saved my life.”
‘I watched my dad get taken by the police. I was playing in the neighbor’s yard. The officers crept up MY DRIVEWAY. I I hugged onto his legs, begging him not to go.’
“When asked about my parents, I’d lie. My go-to story was, ‘My parents work out of state, that’s why they can’t be here.’ How could I tell these kids the truth? How does a 3rd grader explain the hell they’ve been through?”
‘I was released from the hospital. I went to my mom’s. She’s a chronic relapsing alcoholic. We went to lunch. I ordered what I referred to as ‘my last beer.’ Not even half believing that was true.’
“We started going on Wednesday nights because they served $.25 cent beers on tap. We always requested a specific server, Jeff, because he always took special care of my daughter, Maggie. It slowly turned into flirting. 6 weeks later, I moved in with him.”
‘Our daughter has been placed in protective custody,’ my husband said. ‘We will deal with that later,’ I remember replying. Because first, I needed to get high.’
“During a routine traffic stop, my 3-year-old daughter sat unknowingly in the back – so innocent. She cried as I was taken away in handcuffs. I find out I’m pregnant. I’m deep into my addiction – 95 pounds and shooting heroin multiples times a day. I tell my OBGYN. This was a rock bottom plea for help.”
‘Acid from the airbag burned my eyes. My first thought was, ‘Call Mom.’ I climbed out of my window, dripping in blood. ‘Mom, I crashed the car. I see cops coming. I love you.’
“I walked to my church, 5 miles away in the freezing rain, knowing I may have just seen my father and mother for the last time. I sat in the fourth row. I stared down at the ground, tears still running down my face. I wanted to be able to apologize for what I was about to do.”
‘I remember screaming, ‘What part of no don’t you understand!’ He looked at me shocked, and asked if I was ‘okay.’ ‘She’s harmless,’ he said. I had no idea what he had. I’d never seen it before.’
“I didn’t kiss my kids goodbye. I didn’t tell anyone. I left without a second thought. I don’t know how many times they asked, ‘When is mommy coming home?’ A few months later, I found out I was pregnant with twins.”
‘I was the gift that was traded in exchange. What killed me the most, was pulling my Sunday dress back down and walking out as if nothing had happened. I was 5 years old.’
“I finally ended my silence and told my dad. His response was, ‘I had a feeling that was what was happening.’”
