“I didn’t kiss my kids goodbye. I didn’t tell anyone. I left without a second thought. I don’t know how many times they asked, ‘When is mommy coming home?’ A few months later, I found out I was pregnant with twins.”
‘I remember screaming, ‘What part of no don’t you understand!’ He looked at me shocked, and asked if I was ‘okay.’ ‘She’s harmless,’ he said. I had no idea what he had. I’d never seen it before.’
‘I was the gift that was traded in exchange. What killed me the most, was pulling my Sunday dress back down and walking out as if nothing had happened. I was 5 years old.’
“I finally ended my silence and told my dad. His response was, ‘I had a feeling that was what was happening.’”
‘I went to see my OBGYN, cried over an evil man being the baby’s father, and screamed about my sobriety. She calmly sat next to my hospital bed, and handed me the ultrasound pictures.’
“Written in small white letters was, ‘HI MOMMY I’M BABY A.’ I moved onto the next picture. ‘HI MOMMY I’M BABY B.’ I laid my hands down and shook my head. My eyes landed on the next picture. ‘HI MOMMY I’M BABY C.’ The blood rushed to my head.”
‘I woke up in a different country, in a tattoo parlor, after a night of drinking. I have no idea how we were allowed on the plane. All I had was my passport.’
“I had no luggage, and was wearing my clothes from the night before. That night changed everything for me.”
‘I was ABANDONED on my grandma’s front porch with a note that said, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ My own mother said those five words about me when I was only 8 months old.’
“I started dating a boy and, of course, I slept with him on our first date. Can you guess what happened next? Yes, we got pregnant. That’s when it happened. They pulled out this white stuff. ‘Hey, we are about to do this.’ I asked what ‘this’ was. ‘You don’t want any.’ In desperation, I told them I did.”
‘Where is my son? You aren’t the person I raised,’ she said through tear-filled eyes. She was curled up having a nervous breakdown on the bathroom floor. Pleading me to stop, but I can’t do that.’
“Cops showed up at my mom’s house looking for me. She and I would hide behind the couch. She was my biggest enabler. Then, she had enough. With all of her jewelry, she said, ‘Is there anything you can sell so you can stop?’ There wasn’t anything real left. I had already sold it all.”
‘Stephanie, can you tell me what day it is? Do you know what year it is?’ Zoning in and out of a dark haze, paramedics asked me these questions. My strength was gone, my spirit was broken.’
“It was an eerily early morning knock. There stood my mom. On her right side was my uncle, and on the left was my Papaw. ’Your brother has been in a car accident, Steph.’ That one moment was a life changer for me. He finally gave me an ultimatum, ‘I cannot watch this any longer. You choose right now, me or him.'”
‘The nurse said, ‘She’s going.’ She looked me right in the eyes as I brushed her hair. ‘It’s okay, Grandma. Go see Grandpa and the girls.’
“My dad got the phone call. ‘Get back here….NOW!’ She hugged me and said, ‘I love you, Tootsiebell.’”
‘I was paranoid, always looking out the window to see who was watching. It was an endless, ugly cycle. If I couldn’t beat this and see my kids again, I’d kill myself.’
“I’d be sitting with people, having a nice, quiet drink with them, and in my head I’d be assassinating them – just in my mind. They thought I was a nice guy and I’d have this crazy thinking. It’s mad. I was locked up inside my own head all the time.”
‘The director met us at our car. ‘Are you able to come meet mom? She would like to meet you both.’ We froze, not knowing what to do. We didn’t want to be rude.’
“I fell instantly in love with the beautiful little bundle laying in the bassinet. His brown buttery skin, his dark hair, his squishy lips and cheeks. ‘Would you like to hold him?!’ He only had a diaper to his name that the hospital provided.”
