“I didn’t kiss my kids goodbye. I didn’t tell anyone. I left without a second thought. I don’t know how many times they asked, ‘When is mommy coming home?’ A few months later, I found out I was pregnant with twins.”
‘I remember screaming, ‘What part of no don’t you understand!’ He looked at me shocked, and asked if I was ‘okay.’ ‘She’s harmless,’ he said. I had no idea what he had. I’d never seen it before.’
‘I was the gift that was traded in exchange. What killed me the most, was pulling my Sunday dress back down and walking out as if nothing had happened. I was 5 years old.’
“I finally ended my silence and told my dad. His response was, ‘I had a feeling that was what was happening.’”
‘I woke up in a different country, in a tattoo parlor, after a night of drinking. I have no idea how we were allowed on the plane. All I had was my passport.’
“I had no luggage, and was wearing my clothes from the night before. That night changed everything for me.”
‘I was ABANDONED on my grandma’s front porch with a note that said, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ My own mother said those five words about me when I was only 8 months old.’
“I started dating a boy and, of course, I slept with him on our first date. Can you guess what happened next? Yes, we got pregnant. That’s when it happened. They pulled out this white stuff. ‘Hey, we are about to do this.’ I asked what ‘this’ was. ‘You don’t want any.’ In desperation, I told them I did.”
‘Where is my son? You aren’t the person I raised,’ she said through tear-filled eyes. She was curled up having a nervous breakdown on the bathroom floor. Pleading me to stop, but I can’t do that.’
“Cops showed up at my mom’s house looking for me. She and I would hide behind the couch. She was my biggest enabler. Then, she had enough. With all of her jewelry, she said, ‘Is there anything you can sell so you can stop?’ There wasn’t anything real left. I had already sold it all.”
‘The nurse said, ‘She’s going.’ She looked me right in the eyes as I brushed her hair. ‘It’s okay, Grandma. Go see Grandpa and the girls.’
“My dad got the phone call. ‘Get back here….NOW!’ She hugged me and said, ‘I love you, Tootsiebell.’”
‘I was paranoid, always looking out the window to see who was watching. It was an endless, ugly cycle. If I couldn’t beat this and see my kids again, I’d kill myself.’
“I’d be sitting with people, having a nice, quiet drink with them, and in my head I’d be assassinating them – just in my mind. They thought I was a nice guy and I’d have this crazy thinking. It’s mad. I was locked up inside my own head all the time.”
‘The director met us at our car. ‘Are you able to come meet mom? She would like to meet you both.’ We froze, not knowing what to do. We didn’t want to be rude.’
“I fell instantly in love with the beautiful little bundle laying in the bassinet. His brown buttery skin, his dark hair, his squishy lips and cheeks. ‘Would you like to hold him?!’ He only had a diaper to his name that the hospital provided.”
‘Behind closed doors, I was called ‘crazy’ and ‘too sensitive.’ We lived like roommates that slept together. I tried leaving. He promised to change, and he did, until I got pregnant again.’
“Into my life walks a man I knew since he got sober 4 years earlier. He and his girlfriend had recently broken up. I know my kids are watching us. Our children are always watching.”
‘I was about a mile away from my parents’ house when I saw a pair of headlights coming at me in my lane. I was so scared it was going to burst into flames. I sat in front of the car screaming.’
“I brushed it off and thought, ‘Oh there’s no way I’m pregnant.’ I went to Tennessee for a week for my birthday. I had my cousin buy me a bottle of Jager and I couldn’t even drink, it made me so sick. When I got home, I took another test. Sure, enough I was pregnant.”
