“Every mama’s heart is burdened with the weight of her children’s fleeting childhoods. But the beauty is that we are still Mama. They may be too big to carry, or are living with their spouses, but we are still Mama.”
‘I caught a glimpse of my 12-year-old daughter and wondered who that woman was.’
‘I open up a box of tampons and they all come falling out. My son asks, ‘what’s that?’ I say, ‘they’re baby mice!’ ‘Aww cute!,’ he said, while I’m internally laughing.’
“My son starts saying cute things at the doctor. He looks her in the eyes and says, ‘My mommy puts baby mice in her bum bum.’ The doctor looks horrified and says, ‘pardon?'”
‘He was 6 months old and only 9 pounds. I am a living nightmare. They knew it was all a tremendous f*ck up. They knew he was like this because of them.’
“I got the call around 3:30 a.m. I spent 9 months preparing for that call. 9 months worth of nights obsessively checking the volume on the phone, making sure it was charged, that it was close by, that I hadn’t somehow missed any calls. Well I got my call. Loud and clear.”
‘We brought our newborn home from the hospital and she was showered with attention and gifts. When we brought our 1-year old foster son home, he was not.’
“People did not come banging on the door to see him and hold him for the first time. People did not ‘Oooh and Ahhh’ over him. When we first told family we were adopting, we were greeted with….’That’s scary!’ ‘Are you sure?'”
‘I did something horrible. I broke all my rules. I told my son not to eat too much crap or he will get fat.’
“I can’t believe I said it. The words rolled out of my mouth and I immediately regretted it.”
‘But Daddy never messes up,’ my son added. ‘Yes, I know, little one, he was one of those who was born perfect.’
‘I want you to mess up. I want you to get distracted by your phone at story time. I want for you to fight in front of your kids. I want you to leave your power-sliding van door open. I want you to yell.”
‘I began pushing my wife away as harshly as I could, yet she stuck around. Why? Why won’t she just leave? We are all miserable and it’s because of me. Doesn’t she see that?’
“My wife and son would come home and tip toe around me as my anger would rear its ugly head. Unbeknownst to me, my wife was scared to be out of the house for too long as that caused my anger to rise as well. ‘What the f*ck were you doing? You know I am f*cked up and can’t ‘babysit’ our son!,’ I would shout.”
‘I am the Jewish nurse. The one people are talking about in the Pittsburgh shooting that left 11 dead. The nurse that cared for Robert Bowers who yelled, ‘Death to all Jews,’ as he was wheeled into the hospital.’
“I’m sure he had no idea I was Jewish. I wanted him to feel compassion. I chose to show him empathy. I felt the best way to honor his victims was for a Jew to prove him wrong. Love. That’s why I did it.”
‘He looked up at us and then dropped to the ground seizing. This time was different. I thought our nightmare was over, but the universe had other plans.’
“The original doctor who discharged us asked what we were doing back. I wanted to slap him. You’re supposed to shield your child from awful things, not be a participant.”
‘Today, you are no longer an actual baby. I’m not sure what the official age cut off is, but in my mind, this is it. This is the moment we turn the page into toddler-hood.’
“These days, I feel lucky if you want to be held for more than a few seconds. You are so busy exploring and playing. You already feel the need to be independent. To do it yourself. To have things your way. Your little baby features are fading away, and I can suddenly see a big boy peeking through.”
