“I made her coffee and we sat together like we always did in the morning and chatted. Later I took her home, gave her medicine, and kissed her goodbye. I tried calling the next day, but was told she was ‘resting.’ My heart had already broken.”
‘I don’t think mom is breathing, I fell asleep and I don’t think she’s breathing.’ I called 911. My dad and rushed to my childhood home. But I knew. Then I heard the medics say, ‘That’s it, call it.’
‘I was sent home alone in an Uber in the middle of the night. ‘Just tell me your name!’ I couldn’t remember for the life of me what it was. All I could do was cry. That’s the only thing I remembered how to do.’
“I’ll never forget how I felt. I seemed hungover, except that wasn’t the case. My doctor told me, ‘Have you ever thought that it might be all in your head?’ Everything began to take a turn. I was once the quick-witted friend who always had a joke. Now I was the girl in the back of the classroom, crying because I didn’t know how to be a person anymore.”
‘I love when you are healthy, and can play with me,’ my son said. That CRUSHED me. I was forced to observe my son from a distance, watching his life from afar. I couldn’t join in.’
“When my husband and I decided to have a second child, crap hit the fan. I felt like a failure, yet nothing was ‘officially’ wrong with me. I would overdo it just to show him I was a good mom. I would regret it later.”
‘He asked, ‘What parts do you have?’ I said, ‘EXCUSE ME?’ I was uncomfortable being interrogated. He pressured me. I refused. He decided putting his hands on me was the ‘right’ thing to do.’
“I met a doctor I hadn’t seen before. I lifted my shirt to show him. Accidentally, I lifted it a bit too far, revealing my scars. He stared. I knew he was staring. Instead of doing the right thing, he decided to ‘find out for himself.’”
‘The beds around me emptied and my eyes clouded with tears. I knew something was wrong. It felt like I was giving birth. I tried to muffle my cries.’
“My world seemed to be falling upside down. Human hands felt like knives. I pushed back, knowing something was not right. The doctors and nurses were completely puzzled.”
‘I was out at a restaurant. ‘I’m not feeling well,’ I said. I knew something was wrong. Shaking, I excused myself and drove straight home. When I got back, my world crumbled around me.’
“I crawled to the bathroom. I couldn’t stand up without blacking out. I was paralyzed. I was supposed to be getting ready to go off to college with friends and I suddenly found myself unable to get out of bed. The wheelchair made others roll their eyes. ‘You don’t need that,’ they said. ‘Faker.’
‘It was assumed he fell asleep behind the wheel. They didn’t know they were parents the day of the accident that killed my biological father.’
“I was their miracle baby. New beginnings eventually transpired from the fear that everyone I loved would unexpectedly die. The scariest realization was that my worries were justified.”
‘What now?,’ is all that ran through my mind. ‘How did this happen to me?’ All the voices in the room disappeared. I was washed on a metal table with hoses that hung from the ceiling.’
“He instilled in my mind there was better out there. Someone who he didn’t have to help when I wasn’t feeling well, someone who he didn’t have to go to the ER with, someone who was ‘normal,’ who’s body was not scarred up. I said to my dad, ‘I can’t do it anymore. I can’t take this anymore.'”
‘I was in front of my mirror at age 13. ‘This is not your fault. I love you so much and I am still your daughter. I am sorry.’ I didn’t want my parents to blame themselves for how messed up I was inside.’
“After one day of exercise I walked into my bathroom and began removing my sports bra. I collapsed to the ground with debilitating chest pains. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t yell for help. I thought I was dying when I had finally found reason to live.”
‘I wondered why my doctor had such a grave tone when she gave me the diagnosis. This sounded like no big deal at all. There was finally a name for this mysterious illness! Boy was I wrong.’
“When I was riding the subway, I started to feel a little dizzy. I physically could not move. When the doors finally slid open, I spilled onto the platform packed with hundreds of commuters. My breathing and vision slowly returned. I finally realized this was serious. It had to be my priority.”
