stillbirth

‘He had curly blond hair, a perfect nose, pouty lips. They told me he was beautiful. I didn’t get to see.’: Mother survives ‘worst trauma’ after losing newborn son, insists daughter will grow up knowing big brother is ‘watching over her’

“I made the decision not to see and hold Jensen. It’s one of my biggest regrets I’ll ever have in my life. Honestly, I didn’t know how I could do it. I didn’t realize the permanence of him being really gone. Instead, I asked for a lock of his hair, and for them to take pictures of him. I wish I could go back to that moment, spend time kissing him. I wish I could’ve whispered in his ear, ‘I love you.’”

‘Where did you get these?’ I knew. ‘Ren’s nursery.’ He didn’t realize how serious I was. ‘Put them back.’: Wife unexpectedly triggered by husband’s attempt at act of kindness, ‘It was all downhill from there’

“We ran out of toilet paper and Tommy was supposed to go to the store. Irritated, I asked him to get me something to use. Maybe a paper towel? He finally walks in holding a pack of wipes. They were a very specific kind, Huggies all-natural wipes. I started tearing up. ‘Put them back, please.’ He laughed and insisted I used them. He didn’t realize how serious I was until I started bawling. Something in his room was now out of place.”

‘Can I see my boy for one more goodbye?’ A nurse gave him his first and only haircut. He was truly perfect.’: Couple loses son to stillbirth, anxious about new pregnancy, ‘My first is in heaven, I’ll meet him there someday’

“We rushed into the emergency room. I was bleeding so badly I thought I was going to die right there in the hospital alone. My husband was stuck checking me in for what seemed like forever. The events that happened next took place so fast, but as I look back on it now, the initial care I was given makes me so mad and sad. Once she finally realized the severity of what was happening, she ran for back up. I wanted to follow him right up to heaven. I begged God to take me too.”

‘Stop trying.’ He wasn’t coming back. That pale, limp body wasn’t my son. I pounded the wall.’: Mom insists rainbow baby ‘helped fill the void’ after son’s death, ‘she’s my reason to keep going’

“‘Why my son?! Why me?!’ We went home and packed up his clothes, toys. His grandparents held onto everything else. We couldn’t bear to. But we destroyed the Rock ‘n Play he died in. I’ve seen news stories about their recalls. Of course, it makes me wonder if that’s what happened to my son. We will never know. Within weeks of his passing, I was pregnant. Intentionally. Family was concerned. I didn’t care.”

‘When’s the baby coming?’ My face turns red. I’m not pregnant. I miscarried back to back and gained 40 pounds in grief weight.’: Woman battling infertility reminds us ‘words have weight’

“I’m in Starbucks. I manage a smile and lie. ‘Soon.’ I rush out the door, no coffee in hand, and cry in my jeep. ‘When are you having kids?’ ‘Have kids already!’ ‘I’m ready to be a grandma. The clock is ticking!’ they say. But when I stillbirth? No questions, words. Just silence. My husband battles silent resent. ‘No baby, no marriage.’ These weren’t the vows I signed up for.”

‘No one can take this pain away, so I must take it away myself. Lay me next to my daughter.’: Mom speaks candidly of ‘suicidal thoughts’ in wake of stillbirth, ‘I wouldn’t wish this on anyone’

“There are no visible wounds, but the pain courses through my entire being. I breathe in through my nose, blow out of my mouth. I’m alive, but being alive without my daughter hurts. I can’t wipe the tears away. It’s too much effort. I can’t move, even if I wanted to. I don’t want to pee. Eat. Shower. Brush my teeth. I see my dad’s face, and he wants me here. To hold on. To live.”

‘Are you ready to hold your baby?’ She takes a deep breath, sits up as straight as she can. We’re very careful.’: Child loss photographer reminds grieving parents ‘this little life mattered’

“The room is still, almost silent. I meet their beautiful baby, I hold their baby, talk to their baby. All while taking a mental assessment of how much posing I can do. I ask who he got his beautiful wavy hair from, or his button nose or long toes. I talk, but not too much to overwhelm anyone. I work gently, efficiently. I capture every single detail. No one wants this. Their child existed. Their child was so loved, and so wanted.”

‘There’s no way it’s contractions. I’m only 20 weeks!’ Tears rolled down.’: Woman says goodbye to twin son after ‘devastating’ stillborn delivery

“I remember feeling pain, but I was pregnant with twins so I didn’t think too much about it. I could hear nurses laughing in the next room at the sound of another baby’s heartbeat. I sat there, waiting. Then, the nurse came. ‘Your son’s heart stopped.’ I sat in silence. I just wanted to go to sleep, wake up in the morning, and have everything be okay.”

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