“I spent far too many moments considering all the ways I could be with my son, in whatever afterlife he exists in. I even shut my own husband out. I was done living like this. I vowed to do better. I don’t know how strong I can stay. I am fragile. But I do know, I am trying.”
‘I was not okay. I had lost my child to death, and I was losing myself to life.’: Mom’s powerful vow to ‘claw her way out’ of ‘the darkness’ after sudden loss of 7-month-old son
‘My husband was working in a prison. He worked A LOT. ‘I didn’t get married to be alone all the time,’ I thought. I texted him. ‘I wouldn’t really care if I didn’t wake up in the morning.’
“He came home from work immediately. We sat down, he looked at me and said, ‘Do you realize what that would do to me?’ I grabbed my keys, hugged my cat, got in my car, and started driving down the highway. This was it.”
‘Are you thinking about killing yourself?’ He became scared of his own brain. The pain was too great. I keep trying to be mad at him. I can’t manage it, though.’
“He got this weird look about him. I didn’t think too much of it. Pretty normal for Mark. Later, he told me that after our time together, he had made a noose, and driven out of town with the intention of hanging himself. He said he wanted to make sure it was perfect before he died.”
‘I missed the sign, Daddy. I am so sorry. I never imagined this would be the last time I’d see you. I’m so glad I took this photo with you. It became your obituary photo.’
“You called me to ask about a project, and prior to the call, you texted as well. You promised to come to see me Monday and help me move out of the dorm. We were going to have a ‘daddy-daughter date,’ but 40 minutes later, I got the call I never expected. I had 37 missed calls. Daddy, you never even crossed my mind.”
‘You need to decide to pull the plug or not.’ My mom gave me a faint smile. She had tears in her eyes. She tried to say something, but I stopped her. I already knew.’
“I didn’t cry. I actually laughed. There was no possible way my dad could die. When we got to the hospital, he realized I was in the room with him. Just then, he got a surge of energy. ‘You are my sunshine,’ he told me. Seconds later, I walked in and made the decision.”
‘My phone rings. ‘I don’t have time for this. I need to get my kids.’ Then my mouth dropped. We were greeted by 2 officers as we drove down the long gravel driveway.’
“I had already popped a bunch of pills and drank a bunch of Vodka. ‘I want to see him!’ I screamed, shaking profusely. My mom said, ‘No, you don’t. He shot and killed himself with a 12-gauge shotgun in his mouth.’ I look at my phone. It reads, ‘I love you.’ 6:24 pm.”
‘I was getting food when my sister called, hysterically crying. ‘What’s wrong?’ Then the news came. ‘Mama said she found McKenzie in the bathroom. Get here now!’ I was frozen in shock.’
“I hung up, rushed home, threw clothes in a bag, and headed straight for Alabama. It was a two-hour drive away. Through cries and wet tears, I had to push through and continue driving. I just wanted to see my niece. As my son slept in the backseat, I prayed for a miracle.”
‘They would only keep me if I agreed to do electroconvulsive therapy. People warned me. I was told I shouldn’t do it. I felt I had no other option. To me, it was this or death.’
“I remember being rolled into an operation room while lying in a hospital bed. I looked up at the ceiling and prayed this would work. I was nervous. Quickly, the anesthesia knocked me out. I received over 10 treatments. My body ached, but not as much as my soul. I longed for peace.”
‘You were sending me strange text messages. I returned home to you acting even stranger. The paranoia set in. You accused me of infidelity. I did not recognize this man screaming at me.’
“I got the boys from school. We went straight home. I could feel your presence had been there. I went into your closet and your guns were missing. Two hours later, there was a knock on our door. I looked out the peep hole and there was a man dressed nicely with a manila envelope.”
‘I BEGGED my mom to get my stepfather out of my bed. He would just ‘fall asleep’ there. How convenient for him. I started thinking my mother knew, and just didn’t care.’
“In third grade, we moved. I thought it was so fancy! Surely nothing bad can happen in the suburbs. I slept over at my friend’s house one night, and was woken by something startling. I froze, I didn’t know what to do. I started to silently cry. ‘Why isn’t my friend waking up? If she wakes up he will stop.'”
