“‘Momma, can I come back home?’ I remember thinking, ‘You can’t save me, it’s too late, I am slipping away quickly.’ She kissed my forehead. ‘You are stronger than you know.’ I never heard from my ex again.”
‘I was still being bullied. I developed a crush on a cute boy. He told me, ‘Here, take this. It will make you feel so much better. You won’t have any pain.’ I immediately felt like I was on cloud nine.’
‘The guy who brought me to the party passed out. I should have left him, but I’m a loyal person. I fell asleep and was awoken by a man’s body on top of mine. I couldn’t move and yelled for help.’
“I remember telling my mom, ‘I would die if something happened to you.’ She always reassured me, ‘I’m not going anywhere Erica.’ I whole-heartedly believed she would live forever. Then she started complaining of severe headaches. Selfishly, I thought, ‘Well if God took my Grannie, he can’t take my mom too.'”
‘The nurse asked my husband, ‘Do you know your wife is an alcoholic?’ He knew. ‘Was the cop there for me?,’ I thought, frozen in fear.’
“I ended up buying a $1,500 puppy at the mall, taking a picture on the mall Santa’s lap by myself and checking into a hotel. Apparently, I walked from the hotel to an outdoor mall where I was arrested in a blackout for ‘drunk walking’ in public. Yes, I was arrested by the mall cops.”
‘I remember thinking, ‘What the hell is conversion therapy?’ She introduced me to ‘Pastor Jake.’ He was going to ‘take good care of me.’ I immediately wanted to leave.’
“He told me how he is an ‘ex-gay.’ After he placed the ‘electrodes’ on my body, he turned on the projector. He showed me ‘homoerotica’ images, and if I became ‘excited,’ it would send a shock throughout my entire body. He did it repeatedly until I passed out. He told me he ‘didn’t need permission from parents.'”
‘The ultrasound tech said, ‘Your baby is small.’ But, ‘it’s probably nothing.’ Later that day, my baby’s father died of suicide. I had not only lost my friend forever, but my baby had lost her father.’
“I had never planned to be a mother, at least not at age 23. My baby’s father, who I had been friends with for years and had just started dating, did not want me to continue the pregnancy. The timing could not have been worse. He was furious with me.”
‘Get here now! It’s bad, it’s real bad.’ I jumped out of bed and yelled, ‘We have to go now! Something has happened.’ I knelt down beside him. ‘I am so sorry son, I love you so much Joshua.’
“My fiancé hardly had the car in park. I jumped out and ran down the driveway toward my son. Before I could get to Josh, two police officers held me back. I cried out, ‘My baby, my baby, I want my baby!’ At that moment, I knew my worst nightmare had come true. My precious son was gone in a blink of an eye.”
‘She tried to warn me years before. ‘You’re crazy and a liar,’ I told her. We had nothing in common but our abuser. Desperate and alone, I told her my story. I’ll never forget what she did.’
“Three days later, I called him. ‘Can you come pick me up?’ When we got home, the first thing he did was point out my black eye. I opened the truck door, sore, bandaged, and broken when he said, ‘Wow, that looks pretty rough.’”
‘Help me get daddy out!,’ she begged. ‘He won’t like being dirty.’ I took her to see his grave. She started digging up the dirt, crying her little heart out. We sobbed until we had no more tears to cry.’
“She was 3. That was the last time I took her to his grave. She told me her ‘heart hurt too’ much and she didn’t want to go back. She asks if our family can die and ‘be a star in the sky with daddy.’ I go straight into Mommy mode and reassure her we can’t be stars. It’s not our time.”
‘I really messed up Will. I’ll call you soon.’ Nothing prepares you for this. I pulled over and lost it. I look back at conversations I had with my sister and tears run down my cheek.’
“Emily was such a gifted kid. I was the jealous older brother. I always thought she would be going places. Until things changed. We received a large inheritance from our grandmother’s passing. It was like a switch. ‘I never want to see or speak to you again,’ I said to my sister.”
‘She lost her daddy to suicide a year ago. She watches TV, and then asks why movie characters can die and then be OK again. ‘Can daddy be OK again?’
“She tells anyone who she meets that her daddy died and is a star now. Even strangers. They look afraid to respond; sad for not knowing how to ease this little girl’s pain, and embarrassed how forthcoming she is with such delicate information.”
