“I desperately breathe air into my child. Medics rush in. Suddenly, I hear voices, machines. I’m listening for that cry I know. Everything pauses. They wrap her in a soft white blanket, slowly walking towards me as if presenting a gift. I push back, pleading with tears. I beg the doctors to try just a little longer.”
‘I rose as normal and glanced at the clock. ‘Let me wake her and change her diaper.’ I drop to my knees. 911 operator: ‘Whats your emergency?’ I scream, ‘My baby’s not breathing!’
‘My mom called, softly crying. ‘I took a lot of pills. I love you. It’s not your fault.’ I screamed into the phone, trying to keep her awake until the paramedics reached her.’
“Time slowed. She had just been laughing and joking on the way home. By the time I got to the hospital, she was nearly unrecognizable. Over the next 5 days, she went in and out of consciousness.”
‘There I was, crying over my newborn daughter, looking at my husband’s arm around another woman. I begged him to talk to me in person. He never called, never texted. My world flipped.’
“I had done everything right. The last 4 years were wiped away without reason. My mind kept replaying every situation over and over again. Not only was I going to school, working, and dealing with my parents’ divorce, but I was now about to be a single mom. I prayed for a sign I’d be okay.”
‘You were sending me strange text messages. I returned home to you acting even stranger. The paranoia set in. You accused me of infidelity. I did not recognize this man screaming at me.’
“I got the boys from school. We went straight home. I could feel your presence had been there. I went into your closet and your guns were missing. Two hours later, there was a knock on our door. I looked out the peep hole and there was a man dressed nicely with a manila envelope.”
‘This is me the day before I overdosed on heroin. I was almost off probation, a year out of jail, and I had a job.’
“That night, his mom texted me. ‘Do you know if he was using?,’ she asked. ‘I’m concerned. I texted him, but never got an answer back.’ The day before, he had come to my house.”
‘I told him I wasn’t ready to have a baby with him. He didn’t care and messed with my birth control. ‘We’re going to be together for the rest of our lives,’ he said. Needless to say, I got pregnant.’
“Things started to take a darker turn. I wasn’t allowed to go outside alone. He spread lies to my friends and family. When I gave birth, he wouldn’t let me see my child. He called 911 saying I was a danger to the baby. He got full custody.”
‘One day I took a lot of medicine with the intention of putting a stop to the chaos. I was very drunk and don’t remember much of the rescue.’
“Then a miracle happened!”
‘My husband wanted to take his motorcycle. He gave me a kiss and walked out the door. At 11:59 a.m. I got the call that changed my life. The nurse said, ‘Are you his wife? Meet me at the hospital.’
“I didn’t have a car seat for my nephew. I couldn’t leave. I called everyone I knew. My sister came home and said, ‘You need to go NOW.’ When I arrived, I saw a security guard outside the front doors of the ER. I walked up. My head was spinning.”
‘My perfect baby girl was laying on my bare chest. I spoke lies to myself. ‘I’m fine.’ Everyone told me this was ‘part of being a new mom’ and ‘just a lack of sleep.’ This was not a phase.’
“Everything was so perfect. The possibility of anything being ‘wrong’ was just too much of a stretch. Stifling the tears, I clamped my eyelids shut. I had no idea that hours later I would be sitting on the floor, waiting to die.”
‘Mommy is sick and needs to go to the doctor.’ I begged them to admit me to a psych ward. ‘You don’t fit the criteria,’ I was told. It was a hard pill to swallow. So, I admitted myself.’
“I didn’t know what to expect. I thought, ‘Where am I sleeping? Should my kids come visit? Can I get fresh air?’ I remember feeling like a lab rat. The doors were locked and I needed to be buzzed in and out. One day when eating, I felt a presence. It was him.”
