“When I read horrific stories about children choking to death on bouncy balls, we became a bouncy-ball free home. When I heard of kids getting Shopkins stuck in their airways, we became a Shopkin-free home. 15 minutes into rest time, the twins came down the stairs yelling.”
‘My daughter handed me a magnet. ‘Mama, I ate one of these!’ Her twin quickly confirmed. ‘She really did! I saw her!’ Excuse me, but WHAT?’
‘Dear husband, This is why your wife doesn’t want to be touched in bed tonight.’
“Because while she was thrilled to do a poo from her morning coffee, her children came in and tried to see what was in the toilet bowl and throw their toys down there.”
‘This isn’t just a toilet bowl. It’s a metaphor for a communication problem, not because either of us are full of sh*t either.’
“Every time I went to the toilet after my husband, it was moved to a different spot. I’d move it back to the sweet spot, back to the front. For days, this went on. I’d move it, he would move it out of the way. This upset me, and I didn’t know why.”
‘When you have to pee and all of the sudden you’re holding your child.’
“The final push ended up happening on the toilet after my midwife suggested emptying my bladder, and while sitting there a contraction came, so I gave a push and out came his head!”
The Day I Was Banned From Chick-fil-A
“I should start by saying it’s not true, technically. I haven’t been banned from Chick-fil-A. Yet.”
