“I went home and slipped off my dress, praying I’d wake up a normal boy. What was I going to tell my mom? Would my family still love me? Am I going to be safe? I hoped to fake my death and live as a boy, nobody knowing my past.”
‘I know you’re a boy,’ she whispered, tucking me in and kissing my forehead. My eyes widened. I hid who I was and planned to never tell a soul.’
‘He asked, ‘What parts do you have?’ I said, ‘EXCUSE ME?’ I was uncomfortable being interrogated. He pressured me. I refused. He decided putting his hands on me was the ‘right’ thing to do.’
“I met a doctor I hadn’t seen before. I lifted my shirt to show him. Accidentally, I lifted it a bit too far, revealing my scars. He stared. I knew he was staring. Instead of doing the right thing, he decided to ‘find out for himself.’”
‘I remember one day looking at her and secretly wishing I was born a girl. When I saw myself in the mirror with a wig and nails painted I wanted to cry, it felt so ‘right’.’
“I became closer to accepting myself. That was until the night I found out I would be having a child. That moment I realized my life was no longer my own.”
‘It was right after the Pulse Nightclub Shooting. We both rolled over in bed. Me: ‘I’m gay.’ Her: ‘I’m transgender.’ Silence. Now what? I’m married. HAPPILY married!’
“Almost all of Sarah’s ‘stay at home clothes’ were now coming from the women’s department. I thought it was strange. I started to connect a few dots. I spent many nights lying awake wondering, ‘IF this was something… could I stick around? Was I ok with this? Could I still love her?”
‘During high school, I decided it was time to tell my family. The thought of losing them was scary. I would return to school after break, for the first time, as myself.’
“To others, I was in need of fixing. In an attempt to make me more masculine and ‘grow out of it,’ I was placed in sports. I feared what I would face.”
‘He told me he didn’t feel attached to our baby, and he didn’t love me anymore. I secretly hoped I would die in childbirth. My life as I knew it, was completely dismantled.’
“I decided to clean out her bedroom. It was a virtual cesspool. As I was clearing away the reminders of her unwell state, I found her suicide note.”
‘I want you to know about the intrusive, vivid nightmares I have about my child being laughed at. Ridiculed. Assaulted. Murdered.’
“I want you to know about the nights I lay awake, helpless and shaking. I want to tell my story of our family, who fiercely love someone being attacked and can do very little about it.”
‘I’ve never been with anyone with this lifestyle nor have I have been with a girl, but now that I’ve gotten to know him, I don’t want it any other way. He is the love of my life.’
“I didn’t think someone like her would be willing to love someone like me. But I was wrong.”
‘My child is transgender. But she is not the one who changed – I am.’
“Matthew became Madison only months before she started kindergarten. I am still grieving my son. Matty always wanted things that were pink and sparkled. He loved his cousin’s headbands and dress up clothes.”
‘When She Was Born My Son.’
“‘You are a boy, hunny,’ I would say to him gently. By the age of 4, he was flat out denying this could be true.”
