“It had been 4 months since we’d had any contact. I hear someone calling my name. It’s my son! It’s a miracle. I hugged my sickly thin boy and told him, ‘I love you.’ I didn’t want to let go. I offered to buy him a meal. Our interaction was less than 10 minutes long. I left him there.”
‘My sweet baby, my firstborn son, is homeless, mentally ill and addicted to heroin.’
‘I was sitting in a hotel room. I had on a tight black dress, listening to my client say what ‘he wants to do.’ My gut was screaming to leave, but if I left, there is no money, and my ‘boss’ will be upset.’
“I begged my loving and supportive parents to please take me home. I begged and pleaded with my dad and promised I’d be good. But there were 11 charges, and a few were felonies. Bail was set at a million dollars.”
‘Did you give her that hickey on her chest?’ I had a low-cut dress on my husband likes. ‘No, she had cancer. That is her scar.’ Sadly, it didn’t end there.’
“My husband and I were on a date. One of these women leaned over to my husband and asked him this question. Then, the ladies told me I should ‘get a tattoo to cover up my scar.’ I have to tell you, they got to me.”
‘I’d be driving to work and see the ‘perfect’ tree to ram my car into. I stared at the railing upstairs, picking out the spot to hang from. I knew this was not normal, but it was my new normal.’
“It was a dreary day. I was standing by the window with tears streaming down my face. The kids were whining in the background. The house was a complete disaster. I was trembling and my knuckles were white from gripping the chair. My marriage was crumbling before my eyes.”
‘I woke up in a different country, in a tattoo parlor, after a night of drinking. I have no idea how we were allowed on the plane. All I had was my passport.’
“I had no luggage, and was wearing my clothes from the night before. That night changed everything for me.”
‘Where is my son? You aren’t the person I raised,’ she said through tear-filled eyes. She was curled up having a nervous breakdown on the bathroom floor. Pleading me to stop, but I can’t do that.’
“Cops showed up at my mom’s house looking for me. She and I would hide behind the couch. She was my biggest enabler. Then, she had enough. With all of her jewelry, she said, ‘Is there anything you can sell so you can stop?’ There wasn’t anything real left. I had already sold it all.”
‘Today my daughter changed her profile picture. After 5 minutes I get a text. ‘I didn’t know she was dating a black boy, did you?’
“It took me all day to think up a response.”
‘I love you, Cindy, I’ll always love you. Please forgive me.’ I was no longer going to be her Momma and watch her grow up. ‘DO IT NOW,’ the Voice says.’
“This time it will work. I even have two bottles of sleeping pills for safety’s sake. Time to die. I unscrew both lids and turn the tap on. I’ve locked the door behind me, just in case, but I’m not expecting anyone else … not in this lifetime.”
‘We have to tell her.’ The doctor left us to give the horrible news. I looked at Abby. ‘You know those bad headaches and vomiting you keep having?’ Abby looked at me. ‘Yes mom, they hurt.’
“‘Step out with me, we can talk in another room,’ the doctor said. I screamed, ‘No I don’t want to go, nothing is wrong with her!’ She tried to calm me down. ‘No no no no!’ I couldn’t breathe, my heart felt like it might burst.”
‘I went to the appointment, and my life changed. Was I about to die? No, I can’t. I’m not ready! This doesn’t run in my family, and I live a healthy lifestyle.’
“My aunt and grandma went with me to talk to my doctor to try to get further understanding, but to be honest, I didn’t hear a thing she said. My doctor was in tears because she couldn’t understand either.”