“In addition to planning two funerals, my husband and I were left with a room full of baby items. Three boppy pillows, three bouncers, enough diapers for three little babies. I waited in line to return it all. The grief took a hold of me.”
‘The checkout lady saw my cart. ‘Oh wow! Did you get too many things on your registry?’ Tears poured down my face. ‘No, two of my children died,’ I said. ‘I don’t need these anymore.’
‘To the parents of Abigail.’ I was shuffling through the junk mail, before tossing it in the trash. But the last letter left me frozen. My heart began racing. I gasped as I read the name.’
“As I stared at the letter, my hand started shaking. I found myself holding my breath, paralyzed by the shock of the unexpected. Seeing her name in writing after so many years caught me off guard.”
‘My low was mommy fighting at me. She YELLED.’ He said in a firm and frustrated voice. My husband looked at me. I was mortified. I felt ashamed.’
“We were sitting around the dinner table sharing our ‘highs and lows’ of the day. Everyone was laughing. It felt like such a good meal conversation. It was Sawyer’s turn to share his high and low. ‘Alright buddy, you’re up.’ It got quiet.”
‘I don’t want to sit in the middle!,’ he screamed. The neighbors were staring. I never knew so much anger existed in me until I became a mom. It is terrifying. I don’t even recognize myself.’
“‘I’m going to hold your legs down until you calm down because you’re hurting me when you kick.’ Our neighbors were still watching. It’s shameful, embarrassing, and humiliating. He screamed and kicked and fought. I could feel my anxiety creeping in.”
‘Our life came to a halt. Our son was gravely ill. Looks can be deceiving. I tell him how guilty I am. His eyes become glassy. ‘I’m OK. I have a son,’ he says with a smile. I begin to sob.’
“As we pack up our belongings and head to the car, my husband can tell something is off. The moment we get into the car, I break down. We had been faced with the unimaginable. Two of our children passed away.”
‘I thought you would like to meet your children,’ the nurse said with a smile. She handed me a stack of pictures, my first glimpse of my tiny premature babies.’
“I met my son for the first time, thanks to this picture. A picture that was taken by our nurse. She walked in, making the trek from a different building and several floors away. She knew I was too weak to visit the NICU, and hoped seeing my children would help me heal.”
‘It was a miracle. I was in my 40s! I completely doubted my chances of getting pregnant. We found out it was triplets. We couldn’t believe it.’
“We decided to try for children on our own ONE final time. They gave me the choice to terminate one of my babies, or risk losing the twins. But we felt we were given a third baby for a reason, so we decided to take our chances.”
‘My husband and I never planned on more children. The fear was too big for me to tackle. I lost two children. Anxiety washed over me as I faced the same exact surgery.’
“I am a mother to four. Most people only see one child standing next to me, or notice my one on the way. But strangers will never know my daughter is actually a triplet. Her brother and sister died 5 years ago. Rainbow baby. It’s a term I love, but sometimes despise.”
‘Are you going to name your children?,’ a nurse asked me. My triplets were 2 days old. They had been known as Baby A, Baby B and Baby C. The truth is, we were scared.’
“My husband and I began to brainstorm. Peyton and Parker were always our favorites. That was the easy part — Peyton and Parker were alive. Several floors below, in the hospital morgue, was our peaceful angel, only known as ‘Baby A.’ How was I supposed to name a child I only looked at for a few hours?”
‘We were both speechless. ‘We’re almost 40 and we’ll be changing diapers again!,’ my husband finally muttered. I didn’t say a word. I was so shocked, my jaw on the ground with tears in my eyes.’
“Two children in Heaven, one here on earth; we were at peace. We signed the paperwork with the fertility clinic to finally close that chapter in our lives. Six months later, we were relaxing with a bottle of wine. Before I poured a glass, I ran upstairs. I was ‘late.’ I barely glanced at it, assuming it would be negative.”
