“He instructed me to go home, and come back in a week to find out. There are no words to describe what it is like to drive around, go to the grocery store, go to work, etc. and wonder if today will be the day.”
‘This was our secret. How do you tell people something this big, but also tell them in the same breath it’s not a thing anymore, and also that you have no answers or explanations? So, we didn’t.’
‘She said they become ‘the pet of the school.’ The life I imagined crashed before me and fell to pieces. I heard the words, ‘She has characteristics of Down syndrome.’
“But then, I saw my daughter with her big marble colored eyes and blonde hair. Finally, I embraced it.”
‘Stop pushing!,’ my doctor said. ‘No time to wait. His heart rate keeps dropping with every push, I cannot let this keep happening.’
“The epidural I was given hours ago never worked, I was feeling every intense pain throughout my labor. I clung to his words.”
‘I was starting to look pregnant, my boobs were huge, and I welcomed the nausea. The image appeared on the screen. I looked intently and finally asked, ‘where’s the heartbeat?!’
“I started laughing, mostly because it couldn’t possibly be true – I felt pregnant, I looked pregnant, and a week before, things were fine. I began sobbing.”
‘The doctor starts clicking away on the ultrasound machine, trying to get a better look. ‘Well, you are pregnant.’ He said it looked ‘good.’ Then, he went silent.’
“I woke up at 1 a.m. on our wedding anniversary, and felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. This wasn’t unusual. I had been pregnant for over a month. But something didn’t feel right.”
‘Without any emotion he said, ‘It didn’t make it.’ Twice. ‘Why didn’t anyone call me?’ He was busy. We just sat there in disbelief, and I cried.’
“Before I was wheeled back to surgery, my husband told me he loved me. The last thing I remember was going into the OR a little dizzy, the mask being put on my face, and tears falling while I closed my eyes. It was time to say goodbye.”
‘It was two days after the ultrasound when my body spontaneously began to miscarry. The ultrasound technician told me he couldn’t see a baby, a heartbeat, anything that should have been there at 12 weeks’ gestation.’
“I told myself the early miscarriage wasn’t worth being sad about. I had two friends at the time who had recently suffered late term losses and I knew that must be much more devastating to cope with. I had no right to cry when they had suffered so much more.”
‘Mommy, when will I have a sister?,’ she asked. As my eyes welled up with tears, I said, ‘I don’t know honey. You’ll have to talk to God about that.’
“Although I was pregnant with what I believed to be a baby girl, I knew I wouldn’t be for much longer. Shortly before dropping my daughter off at school that morning, my water had broken.”
‘His skull looked as thin as a piece of paper. We were given the option to terminate at 7 months pregnant. He’s not dead yet.’
“The next day I got the call. ‘Jessica, can you come into the doctor’s office tonight?’ I was just heading out the door for work, but she said, ‘Jessica, you need to come in now please’.”
‘I place my son on the table. I’m concerned about the size of his belly. ‘Does it look too big?’ I see the fear on her face. My heart drops.’
“Sobs come from my chest, uncontrollably. This cannot actually be happening. I tell my husband to get Jameson dressed, in his car seat, and out the door now.”
