“The next five minutes I spent trying to change the illusion of what I had just seen, pulling up the waist of my dark jeans a little higher, smoothing out the denim hoping that may give the twins a slimmer appearance. I pulled on the hem of my sweater a bit, pulling it down a little further than the widest part of my thighs, hoping once again to give a thinner illusion.”
‘Oh wow, my thighs look huge in these jeans. After you have an eating disorder, they say you’ll never be normal again.’
‘Doctors told me I was ‘lying.’ I hadn’t started my period. Before I took the birth control, I took a pregnancy test. It was POSITIVE!? We bought 5 more tests. All of them were positive!’
“I was having vivid, strange dreams. A neighbor said, ‘Are you pregnant?’ I said ‘no’ and cried. A switch flipped in me. I became crazy emotional. I was having day dreams about drilling a hole in my head or cutting it off. I went to doctor after doctor. They all said that it was because of my weight.”
‘I remember being told, ‘You’re lucky I’m with you, because you’re really fat.’ I was always just the smart girl with a pretty face, I was never the total package.’
“I used to get called a ‘pig’ on the bus. I was pulled out of school for 8 weeks. Rumors started. Everyone thought I was crazy. I heard a group of girls talking about how I should have never come back.”
‘I was over 600 pounds. I feared my wife would find me dead of a heart attack. I had two choices: lose weight or die.’
“I couldn’t walk more than a few hundred feet. People avoided me in public, as if being overweight was contagious. One parent used me as a lesson for their kid. ‘Look at him. This is what happens when you don’t eat right,’ she said.”
‘I was the ‘fat kid’ and my father was disgusted with me. Fat people were never the heroes or love interests. My mind became a very dark place.’
“I didn’t realize I was ‘the fat kid’ until 5th grade when a classmate so helpfully pointed it out to me. That’s when my carefree childhood ended. I started to find my way in the world. However, I was still plagued by my negative body image. My solution? Find a man to validate me.”
‘We need to talk about her weight.’ The doctor then looks at her and says, ‘I think you are old enough to start using exercise equipment too.’ ARE YOU KIDDING ME?’
“He left the room. She looked at me and said, ‘I’m fat?’ Tears started running down her face. My jaw was on the floor. It was too late – the damage was done.”
‘I know how you’re doing it,’ she whispered, then laughed and walked away. I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment. How could she know? I was 15 years old and had been caught.’
“I locked myself in the bathroom while my husband pounded on the door, begging me to let him in. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t believe what I was staring at. My heart pounded, and my mind raced. Was this real? Was it a faulty test? My baby was so tiny, but he or she was there, in my belly.”
‘I hid my habits. On the way to visit my boyfriend, I’d down a burger in my car, hide the evidence, then go to dinner a few hours later like a proper lady. Salad only, please.’
“When I moved, all the women looked like movie stars. Blonde with bountiful boobs, thin waists, and faces full of makeup. I went for a haircut and told the stylist I felt so out of place; I’d never be able to compete with these women. He stopped his snipping just long enough to say, ‘Sure you will. If you’re willing to pay enough.’”
‘I was 6 when I wore my first bathing suit in a beauty competition. I was 8 when my dance instructor told my mom I was too chubby. I was 15 when I became addicted to diet pills.’
“After being sexually assaulted as a toddler, my trust was shaken. After becoming a mother, I’ve gained 75 pounds. You’d think that existing in a larger body – something I feared my entire life – would lead me further down the self-loathing spiral. But something miraculous has happened.”
‘He locked me in the basement for days. I asked him to help with baths for our kids that night. He turned off the power, so I went down to turn it back on – and he left me there.’
“I was hungry, and had nothing to eat. There was a sink down there I used to drink water. I was so done dealing with things. I sat and hoped he was taking care of our children upstairs. I kept wondering how I would get out.”
