“I told my cousin I needed to lie down. He offered his bedroom to me. I didn’t think twice about it. I was safe. I was with family. I went to sleep. The next thing I know, my body was rocking. There was pressure. Unrecognizable pressure. Someone was behind me.”
‘Did he just rape me?’ My cousin. My family. I lay there wondering how could this have happened? I did not tell anyone until 6 weeks later when I found out I was pregnant.’
‘I can’t live like this anymore!’ Binge, purge, starve, repeat. I spent hours fantasizing about food. When my brother asked to play, I snapped at him and plugged calories into my app.’
“I had only wanted to lose 15 pounds before school started. I remember searching ‘fastest ways to lose weight’. I saw picture upon picture of skin-and-bone bodies. I’d never seen anything like it, except in German concentration camps. I was repulsed and intrigued.”
‘I got a text from him saying, ‘What are you smiling at?’ And I froze. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. Where was he?’
“When I was 14-years-old I met and dated a 22-year-old man. I’ll just let that sink in for a moment. He would come visit me, all the while living another life, leaving his wife and family behind. He was addicted to porn. Then came THAT morning.”
‘Doctors told me I was ‘lying.’ I hadn’t started my period. Before I took the birth control, I took a pregnancy test. It was POSITIVE!? We bought 5 more tests. All of them were positive!’
“I was having vivid, strange dreams. A neighbor said, ‘Are you pregnant?’ I said ‘no’ and cried. A switch flipped in me. I became crazy emotional. I was having day dreams about drilling a hole in my head or cutting it off. I went to doctor after doctor. They all said that it was because of my weight.”
‘I remember being told, ‘You’re lucky I’m with you, because you’re really fat.’ I was always just the smart girl with a pretty face, I was never the total package.’
“I used to get called a ‘pig’ on the bus. I was pulled out of school for 8 weeks. Rumors started. Everyone thought I was crazy. I heard a group of girls talking about how I should have never come back.”
‘I was over 600 pounds. I feared my wife would find me dead of a heart attack. I had two choices: lose weight or die.’
“I couldn’t walk more than a few hundred feet. People avoided me in public, as if being overweight was contagious. One parent used me as a lesson for their kid. ‘Look at him. This is what happens when you don’t eat right,’ she said.”
‘What?! NO. I don’t ever want to lose this. I was suddenly very protective of it. I want it with me. Forever. Wedding day and all.’
“Weeks into knowing each other, I received the first ever ‘Goodnight, beautiful’ text from him. My heartbeat quickened. Unknowingly, I covered my shy smile with my hand. But to both of our shock, I instantly and abhorrently rejected the offer.”
‘It was bottle after bottle. After 32 years of marriage you would think he would have walked away because he had every reason to.’
“At that moment, I was not his. That was a feeling I never want to feel again. A partial hysterectomy ended my childbearing years. The days seemed to drift by with dark clouds hiding the bit of sunshine left in my life.”
‘We need to talk about her weight.’ The doctor then looks at her and says, ‘I think you are old enough to start using exercise equipment too.’ ARE YOU KIDDING ME?’
“He left the room. She looked at me and said, ‘I’m fat?’ Tears started running down her face. My jaw was on the floor. It was too late – the damage was done.”
‘I hid my habits. On the way to visit my boyfriend, I’d down a burger in my car, hide the evidence, then go to dinner a few hours later like a proper lady. Salad only, please.’
“When I moved, all the women looked like movie stars. Blonde with bountiful boobs, thin waists, and faces full of makeup. I went for a haircut and told the stylist I felt so out of place; I’d never be able to compete with these women. He stopped his snipping just long enough to say, ‘Sure you will. If you’re willing to pay enough.’”
