“I knew this van was a push-start because it was one of the first things I said when I test drove it. ‘Ooooh this is so boujee!,’ I even told the sales man. You literally just push a button! It’s OBVIOUSLY not that hard.”
‘I ‘push the button’ and throw the car into reverse. Something was wrong. Everything started locking up on me. I push the brake and that’s locked, too! What. The Heck.’
‘I woke up to find a note on the dining room table. My world paused in that moment. That tiny note was the very first time I saw his handwriting in the 18 years I had known him.’
“Life moved on. He was never far from my mind but he no longer made his way into my life. Then one day he phoned me.”
‘His little voice begged me to wake up. ‘Don’t die, mommy. Don’t die, mommy.’ His hug, his kiss and his tenderness, lying next to me for hours as I sobbed.’
“Another fight left me to sleep in the guest room. My middle child, my baby boy, crawled into bed with me as my head throbbed and I couldn’t’ stop the room from spinning. Again. My loudest rock bottom came like a whisper – It was his touch.”
‘My husband waited up for me. Surprised, I sat down and asked about his day. I didn’t get very far into my question. He somberly turned off the TV and leaned forward in his seat.’
“Hands folded and eyes down, he told me he had something he needed to tell me. I had never seen him so serious. I was stunned. I didn’t understand. We were cruising right along in life. We were house shopping. We were planning family vacations. I thought I was going to become a mom soon.”
‘I love you, I’ve been shot at work.’ It took several times reading it for it to hit me it was real. I called his phone, texted, nothing. My heart dropped.’
“A lady answered and said she was barricaded in her room and police were everywhere. I grabbed my children and drove where I met a cop blocking off the roads. She couldn’t tell me anything. I drove to the nearest hospital. He wasn’t there.”
‘You asked me today if I was okay. I lied and said, ‘I’m fine,’ but the truth is I’m tired. No, I am exhausted.’
“You’re probably wondering where that girl went that you married, and under her matted bun hair, tired eyes and cheese-stained clothes, she’s there. You probably miss her, and I do too. That’s why I need you to understand what I’m about to say.”
‘I received suspicious looks for being a grown man at the park at 2 p.m. with his kids. ‘It’s nice of you to do your wife’s job,’ is what they were really saying.’
“I ran into friends at the grocery store, and they asked me if I’d lost my job. All of it was maddening.”
‘I was raised not to have sex before marriage, and now I am unwed and pregnant. I sat in the bathroom alone and terrified.’
“I found out he was seeing another woman and everything came crashing down. I ruined myself all for someone who never loved me.”
‘I’m trapped. I wonder how many times I can grimace when he touches my arm or roll away from him in bed before he quits trying altogether.’
“I don’t want to be touched. I don’t think about my fairy tales anymore; I just read them on repeat to my children. I’m in survival mode.”
‘I am so, so sorry. I gave you the wrong results, I read them wrong, you are actually not pregnant.’ I remember thinking, oh no, here’s where the skeleton comes out of the closet.
“He then looked at us, and said, ‘What are you talking about?! No sperm??’ ‘We were told there was no sperm.’ I said.’ I burst into tears, not believing that what he was saying was true. It couldn’t be true.”
