“As we pack up our belongings and head to the car, my husband can tell something is off. The moment we get into the car, I break down. We had been faced with the unimaginable. Two of our children passed away.”
‘Our life came to a halt. Our son was gravely ill. Looks can be deceiving. I tell him how guilty I am. His eyes become glassy. ‘I’m OK. I have a son,’ he says with a smile. I begin to sob.’
‘If I was so miserable, I should leave.’ Eventually, I did. Our marriage looked perfect on social media. We always believed in keeping our issues private.’
“Our wedding day was intimate. But behind the façade were underlying issues that left a bad taste in my mouth. I was put on the back burner. I was failing him because he was expecting me to prepare a home-cooked meal every day while also juggling maintaining a home and breastfeeding our son.”
‘Here’s a little secret about me: I have three fathers. The one who abused me at 3-years-old opted out of my life. I would say I’m devastated by this loss, but that’s just not the case.’
“You can either repeat the cycle or run from it. I sprinted. Because of a man who hurt me, I have the life I do now. I’ve seen this man cry at his children’s births. My kids are lucky to have a man who always shows up.”
‘When you look at me, I know what you see. Your face says it all clearly: ‘You’re so fun! So crazy. So put together!’ What don’t you see? I am on the highest dose of Prozac a woman can take.’
“I’ve got all the ‘required’ pics. Smiley, happy, spouse selfie? Check. Happy, well-behaved kids? Got ’em. But I am tired of living in secrecy and shame. I am done hiding from my truth.”
‘I know you know something has happened. I am so sorry you have to feel this pain. I am so sorry daddy died.’
“I wish I could right the horrible wrong that was done. I see you look at that perfect picture of daddy. I wish I could tell you he was coming back home. But my dear son, he is not.”
‘You were sending me strange text messages. I returned home to you acting even stranger. The paranoia set in. You accused me of infidelity. I did not recognize this man screaming at me.’
“I got the boys from school. We went straight home. I could feel your presence had been there. I went into your closet and your guns were missing. Two hours later, there was a knock on our door. I looked out the peep hole and there was a man dressed nicely with a manila envelope.”
‘I’ve never doubted how much you do. But I underestimated it. I was you for 48 hours and now I understand why you lock the door at night to have that shower.’
“For 5 years you’ve never left the kids to cry. You never want them to be alone. I did that wild scream you did. I know where it comes from now.”
‘MOM! Something is wrong with Dad, he’s on the floor!’ My 14-year-old son was frantic. Only 30 minutes prior, we were laughing about the fact my husband didn’t meet us at the pool.’
“We assumed his game of beach volleyball with our son wore him out, and he was tired and laid down for a quick rest. Little did we know those moments after his shower, he lay on the bathroom floor of our rental house; alone.”
‘Asheville?,’ he asked. I smiled. He promised it would be our next destination together. That dream died the day he did.’
“I am finally going to this special place, but he is not taking me there. Instead, I am taking him. It is there on that mountain I will let him go.”
‘One random afternoon, I got a text from my husband. It’s bad. I thought, ‘Will I be a widow?’ I should’ve been at home breastfeeding. Instead, I was meeting with geneticists.’
“I couldn’t leave the kids alone with him. He couldn’t drive. No pick-ups, no drop-offs. Resentment built between us. We were told our children had a 50% chance of getting it too. All we could do was wait, and watch, and worry. It was too much to comprehend.”
