“How to prepare for children:
Buy bananas, buy five freaking bunches.
Eat them all. Whatever.
Just make them disappear in a day.
Then buy more bananas the next day.
The same amount if not more…and watch them go moldy. Slowly.
Say out loud ‘why doesn’t anyone want the bananas now?’
Play baby shark on repeat for 68 hours.
Every time you pick up a phone, ask someone to ask you ‘Can you play baby shark?’
Watch obscure things on YouTube like freaky cartoons with catchy songs in between baby shark. Always go back to baby shark.
Bring a bull into a supermarket with you.
Let it go and apologize to people as it runs pass them, bucking. ‘He gets angry when not fed and hates movement’
Buy 4 pairs of huge underwear that come up to your neck, poke holes in them, wear them interchangeably.
Ask your whole street for their washing, and begin doing their laundry. Ask them to wear and dirty it as soon as it’s folded.
Bite all the apples in your fruit bowl and put them back.
Clean the house, disinfect it, then smear yoghurt on the floor.
Ask someone to cough in your eyeball.
Poo with the door open. FaceTime your friends and get them to ask you about your day while you strain.
Cover yourself in sour milk.
Try to unwrap a lollipop in 3 seconds flat. Set a loud timer that screams at you if you fail.
Buckle up an octopus in a car seat.
Get three monkeys and drive around with them. Give them popcorn and honey.
Make a snack every 7 minutes.
Go to bed.
Get up again.
Get up… go back, get up, go back, get up. Smash your toe into something really hard.
And now you’re 10% ready.”
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