“I feel bad about it to this day. What we brushed off as her ditsy-ness was actually the first signs of the disease. I hate myself for the way I acted that day. I feel so bad and so guilty. It kills me.”
‘My mom went all out. I remember thinking how random it seemed. She tried so hard, wanting to make this nice dinner for us. We made fun of her for it.’
‘There are police officers in the hall. ‘I want them to hurt me, mommy! I want them to kill me with their guns!’ He started crying and hitting himself in the head.’
“‘I think he’s manic,’ I say. ‘His moods are rally erratic and I’m worried.’ The nurse looks at me skeptically. Who am I to know about ‘mania?’ It was stupid to bring him here. He has been through hell.”
‘After 15 years, the phone rang on a Friday morning. It was the case worker saying she had not one, but TWO babies. 6-week-old twins. ‘Would you take two babies instead of one?’
“An even bigger surprise was in store, a few years after we were put up for adoption, our birth parents, who were not together at the time of our birth, had reunited and later married.”
‘How could this be? My ultrasound nurse told me the baby DID NOT have Down syndrome. The nurse looked at me and asked, ‘Are you going to keep her?’
“I wanted to do the whole thing by myself. No doctor, no ultrasound, no hospital, no midwife. So I did. My close friends and family were definitely not fans. My husband went along with it knowing when I make up my mind to do something, that’s it. It’s done.”
‘I found out my marriage was a lie. He was unfaithful. I had been lied to for months. I spewed venomous hate towards him. I was numb. Then, I found out I was having a miscarriage.’
“We got married! I was so happy, I truly thought we were going to be okay. I had two amazing daughters, a rocking career, a husband who wasn’t perfect, but he tried. Then my world fell apart.”
‘As soon as she checked with the doppler she knew. And deep down I knew. I just prayed I was wrong. All I could get out is ‘why isn’t it flickering?’ They just said ‘we are trying to figure that out.’
“I screamed, asking if it was her cord that caused it over and over.”
‘He slipped something in my drink. He had a razor blade. He ‘accidentally’ sliced my thigh. I took photos of the blood dripping down my leg. When I woke up, the photos were deleted.’
“I met someone new. Someone who made me feel alive again. Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. Then I received devastating news.”
‘My husband and I met in a place called Dixie Chicken. Don’t tell my parents. To this day, they think we met in the Methodist church parking lot.’
“I was older. I was over the college scene. I’d been burned a few times. I had zero interest in boys, but my neighbor thought he was cute, so I agreed to go talk to him for her. Oops.”
‘David and I have been pregnant 8 times. ‘I just took a pregnancy test. It’s positive.’ I sat on the toilet staring at the positive test until my legs went numb. This was not a part of our plan.’
“Despite the odds, the ‘treatment’ was unsuccessful. Our little fighter continued to grow. Something in my gut didn’t feel right about a second injection, so I refused. I pushed her to keep looking. ‘Wait, what’s that?’ The doctor turned back towards the screen. I saw our little baby for the first time. I instantly wept.”
‘Is it normal to hate your baby?’ I was desperately begging for God to kill her. What’s wrong with me? I was terrified of what I would do to her.’
“I decided I would talk to my OBGYN when I went for my next check up. Little did I know, I wouldn’t be able to make it until then.”
