“On my way home I received the phone call. It was totally incoherent from all the screaming. I desperately tried to find out what was happening. It was my daughter. ‘It’s Josh,’ I finally heard through the screams.”
‘You don’t understand, they will never help your family.’ I was blown away. He was getting worse by the day. ‘I’ve never had an experience like this before,’ the crisis worker apologized.’
‘But you don’t look sick.’ My mom said, ‘There is no way, the chances are so low, it would be very rare.’ She was right. The risk is less than one percent, but I fell into that percentage.’
“They get sad and say, ‘but you’re so young!’ You never truly know what people are going through. I had family members tell me, ‘We’re sorry for not visiting, but it was too hard to see you go through this.’ Or that seeing me would make it ‘all too real.’ It is real.”
‘Why are you wearing a T-shirt?,’ I asked when I picked her up. ‘I had to put something on because I need privacy.’ She started bawling.’
“‘Yeah, it will be nice out, you can wear a dress.’ It didn’t occur to me an adult would look at my 5-year-old child and think wearing a dress was inappropriate. She was told she needed to leave class and go to the nurse’s office. The nurse told her, ‘She needed to cover her body.'”
‘As I held the photo in my hands, life did a 180. I knew I couldn’t get pregnant. ‘It’s okay. I don’t need kids,’ I kept telling myself. My sister smiled and blurted out, ‘I’ll carry for you!’ I was in shock.’
“She gave me a nudge. I will never forget her saying, ‘I would be jealous if someone else carried for you.’ This was a huge, life changing thing she would be doing. She lets me ask all of the weird questions.”
‘I realized my worst nightmare had come true. I was truly alone, ‘white-knuckling’ it. I did a 180 and completely turned my life around. Or, so I thought.’
“I’m now a successful and contributing member of society, with a picture-perfect life. However, looks can be deceiving – because I had a secret.”
‘I was the victim of a rape. I had a professor who propositioned me, a boyfriend who passed away, a stalker, and cancer—twice. I’m no stranger to a painful past.’
“Easter is about waiting. I know, that sounds absurd. This is a holiday about a Friday free from work and fake grass you’ll be finding around your house for the remainder of the year. It’s about Peeps and your people. A guy on a cross and a guy in a (rather scary) bunny suit. Jesus waited 3 days; it took me 33 years.”
‘I blurted out, ‘I think I’m pregnant.’ I’ll never forget her face. She offered no support, wouldn’t hug me, she was ice cold. ‘How was this possible?’ What did I do wrong?’
“Who could I trust to tell? I tried calling my mom, to no avail. She was cold and distant. It hurt. After my appointment, I came home, threw on Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Stay Together,’ and danced around the house with my daughter. I was going to be a mother. I was keeping her.”
‘We’re broke. We’re $100 thousand in debt.’ He sent it to an online ‘camgirl.’ He is a porn addict, and has been since before he met me. I sat stunned, staring at him.’
“‘I lent a friend money. It’s gone. We’re not getting it back,’ he said. I was frozen. ‘How much money?’ My heart was racing. ‘Five thousand dollars?’ ‘Higher,’ he said between sobs. ‘TEN thousand? Twenty five? Fifty?’ I started to feel ill. It turns out, my husband hadn’t lent the money to a friend at all.”
‘It smashed everywhere. Sometimes the smallest thing is the last straw. He messaged me. ‘I have limited time left.’ I recall saying, ‘We will see you next time.’ Looking into his eyes, I wasn’t sure.’
“We walked quietly to the room. We found two seats and moved them close to the bed. You think you will say the right things, but you don’t in those moments. I was speechless.”
‘Oh, my goodness.’ I say out loud. ‘What mommy?’ I look down at my daughter. ‘Oh nothing,’ I say. The last thing I need is for my kindergartner to be afraid to go to school.’
“The hairs on my neck stood up for the first time. After picking my daughter up from school, I got a text message from my husband, a principal. ‘We’re in lockout,’ it said. It was unprecedented. Suddenly, it felt serious.”
