“I was having a good day. I expected to walk up the block, finish my errands. From the corner of my eye, I saw an older man in a red sweater. ‘OW OW! How much?’ He could see my anger. ‘Sorry, miss. I thought you were a hooker. Your dress is so short.’ My dress was BELOW THE KNEE. The first thing my daughter asked when we got home was, ‘Mommy, what’s a pros-toot-toot?” I was livid.”
“You hear the phrase ‘having it all’ and actually cringe, because you know it’s a big, big lie. Each day, you’re in charge of pleasing 2 very different, but demanding people: your boss and your kids. You feel guilty for leaving your kids. Maybe you feel guilty because you like to get a break from your kids, even though you can’t. It’s not easy. From the bottom of my heart to yours, thanks for pulling off something not every woman can.”
“This embryo was a fighter from the beginning – it took. Then I got a life changing phone call. ‘Your baby has Down syndrome,’ the nurse informed me. WHAT? We signed paperwork saying we DIDN’T want any blood tests. The nurse, in an effort to ‘bond’ with me, told me how she got pregnant naturally with twins. One of the twins died, and the other twin had Down syndrome, so she terminated. ‘We would have taken that baby,’ my husband replied.”
“This was her first birthday party. We had over 30 guests waiting downstairs to celebrate her. I couldn’t go down. I only had one thought: ‘This day is a celebration of everything she can’t do.’ In my closet, I huddled in a ball, trying to find my brave face. We were already 3 months into speech and physical therapy. We’d seen all 3 specialists and were no closer to an answer.”
“‘Everything will change when you have your own kids together.’ The comments stung. He had a vasectomy in his first marriage. I felt robbed. He had the young love. He married young. As we enter our 3rd year of infertility, will his first wife will be the only woman who will share this part of him? The part I always wished for? I made it ‘my fault’ we couldn’t get pregnant. I lied, covered up the truth.”
“All it takes is one unexpected bill, one fender bender, one lay-off, one house fire. I pay to shower at local truck stops and eat whatever can be cooked in a gas station microwave. Someone sees my daughter and I daughter living like this and calls CPS. They remove her from my care. Next, I lose my job. ‘An employee losing their child reflects poorly on this company.’ My window is smashed, my belongings stolen. I call the homeless shelter: ‘The beds are all full.’ We are all so close to homelessness.”
“It was just after 11 a.m. on a Saturday morning when I received the phone call from my mom. ‘Your sister has been in a car accident.’ She was headed to the hospital. I’ll never forget the pain in my dad’s voice and anguish in my mother’s cry’s echoing in the background. I decided in that room of 7 doctors that my sister had already showed us she wants to live!”
“Her words were confident as she loaded the belt with groceries, one by one, BEAMING. I smiled. ‘Oh! That’s not how it works. My bio son isn’t some weird reward for adopting.’ A lady actually argued with me. She told me pregnancy and biological babies are always the goal, ‘congrats for me.’ He was always our plan.”
“‘Stephen ran away. You need to adopt him,’ my boss emails. My stomach drops. Instead, I buckle him in my Toyota for the next placement. He sobs an aching sound. It was a home he thought he would stay in. He felt affection there. Months later, in another removal, he runs around the living room and ducks behind furniture, refusing to leave. But on this night, he had no fight in him.”
“My daughter and I went to the mall. She was waving at everyone. It prompted an older couple to strike up a conversation. ‘She’s so cute and friendly,’ they told me. ‘How old is she? She’s big for her age!’ Then the inevitable question was asked. I just thought, ‘How do I get myself out of this conversation?’ I wonder what would happen if I just said, ‘My son died,’ then walked away.”
