“I got back to the car, it was gone. I had absolutely no clue where I was. I just wanted to sleep. Then, I heard him lock the door.”
‘In broken English he said, ‘I have a daughter. I don’t want to hurt you, but I need to please myself. Don’t scream because the police won’t help you. If you are good, I won’t hurt you.’
‘His little voice begged me to wake up. ‘Don’t die, mommy. Don’t die, mommy.’ His hug, his kiss and his tenderness, lying next to me for hours as I sobbed.’
“Another fight left me to sleep in the guest room. My middle child, my baby boy, crawled into bed with me as my head throbbed and I couldn’t’ stop the room from spinning. Again. My loudest rock bottom came like a whisper – It was his touch.”
‘Then Rob messaged me. And everything changed. We decided to go out on a date. For the next few weeks, Rob and I were each other’s world. Or so I thought.’
“We stayed at his parents’ house several times, but never his. I began to suspect Rob had a wife or a girlfriend, and that’s why we never went to his place. He always had an excuse, and I always believed him. Then one night, he told me he had something to tell me.”
‘We got THE CALL. ‘Would you be willing to accept a 3-month-old baby with serious medical needs?’ Our girl had endured more in those first 3 months than most do in a lifetime.’
“The thought of leaving her at school left me breathless. Would her teacher know what she needed? What if she was sad? Would she be scared? Made fun of by other kids for the ‘funny way’ she spoke? While our love and commitment to her never wavered for a second, it was earth shattering to hear.”
‘Mothers don’t shower often. Especially new mothers. When we say this stuff, we are met with horror. But it is the truth.’
“I remember finally getting the energy to shower, a place where I’d feel so tired that I’d read the shower bottles and stare into space while the water hit my back. I was a zombie. My husband came in and said, ‘It’s time to feed him,’ and I cried.”
‘He’s a sick guy.’ The pediatric cardiologist affirmed with an almost flippancy. Like, you know, yeah he’s dying, but like, he’s sick. Of course he’s dying. He’s a sick guy.’
“When my high school sweetheart and I decided to grow our family, we had no clue the battles we’d face. We’d had fairly smooth, straightforward lives up to this point. After my miscarriage of identical twins, I thought for sure we’d paid our dues.”
‘Just stay down there, I’ll step over you’. A flippant comment by one of the mothers at swim lessons. I was trying to get to the pool on my bottom, guiding my son. I let her by, but it pushed me further into darkness.’
“I had an accident on a trampoline and broke my leg. Initially I saw it as a small set back and would be back in no time. I’d just gotten married 10 weeks before. The plan was to have children soon, so I wanted to recover as quickly as I could. Unfortunately, that was not the case.”
‘We didn’t talk enough, did we?’ My Dad would never walk me down the aisle or meet my children. That’s a very odd thing to discuss with your father when you’re only 23.’
“Having no family, no money and no home after believing your life was completely normal and well adjusted for 23 years can warp your entire view of life. I spent a large amount of time after the incident questioning what was reality.”
‘Chemo would make my breast milk toxic to my son. Cancer had already robbed me of the pure joy of a new baby. I was not about to sit back and let it take away breastfeeding my son.’
“Here we were newlyweds of just 4 months, with 4 children together, one of whom was just a week old. The only option I had was to find a family member or friend who would be willing to latch Malcolm to their breast once a week so he would remember how to do it if and when the time came for me to try.”
‘Hours began to pass, and still no Andy. I decided to call him. No answer. The calls started going directly to voicemail. Anxiety started to go in overdrive. Then, I saw it.’
“I was pregnant with our third child, and my hormones had gotten the best of me. I grabbed my phone and called 9-1-1. I started screaming his name, ‘ANDY, ANDY, ANDY,’ as I frantically looked on the shore line that was covered in trees. I hear the sirens roaring, coming in my direction.”
